Empire State of Mind
by Iluvia
Summary: Rachel lives in NY, she's 25 and still hasn't made it. She feels misserable and alone when her best friend takes her to a party. Puckleberry. Re-post cos I f-ed up...sorry!
1. Chapter 1

She instantly felt guilty as her fingers traced the outline of her own breasts. She felt dirty as well as intoxicated and well aware that it was the alcohol making her do this. She rocked herself on his large and hard member that was fully erected lying across his belly under her. She didn't feel ready to take him inside her just yet but she wanted to tease and have him keep looking at her like he did now. His deep blue eyes were eating her like a lion liking it's pray for the sweet drops of blood before the actual meal. She sighed to herself closing her eyes. He wasn't the one she wanted. Far from. He was somebody, a nobody to her but right now a warm body under her. He had made her feel beautiful, complimented her on her looks. She still looked 20, he'd said. She knew he was lying to get into her pants. She knew she looked every day her 25 years of age. Not in a bad way of course but she looked like a young and attractive woman in her prime youth.

She was here in New York. It had been unreal it first. Exciting and dramatic. School had her busy and occupied unthinking of what she had left in Lima. She had left them all behind. Finn and she had lost contact over the years. Last she heard was he married Quinn and they had their second child coming. The only other person from Glee she really talked to was Brittany which was odd. Brittany had moved to New York and was a dancer. She had long ago married Artie who had given up on singing and had instead got a job as an IT consultant earning enough to let Brittany play and dance as much as she wanted. Brittany was a good dancer no doubt but she didn't have to struggle.

Tina and Chang had split and Tina had a job as a music teacher in Washington. Chang working in PR in the same company as Artie. Rachel didn't really talk to either. Only to Brittany on a regular basis because was her oldest friend in town, knew all the good gossip and Brittany did give her insights on the latest moves in the dancing world that Rachel used for dance classes.

Rachel the star-to-be hadn't made it yet. She was sorry to admit. She had tried hard and many times but it seemed whatever role she auditioned for they were looking for something else. Someone taller, other vocal range, blonde...mostly blonds. She had considered colouring her hair but felt it would be an attack on her integrity so she made it by writing a column every week about the ups and downs of a star to be as well as teaching on the side. She wasn't well-off but she had what she needed and rent was paid every month on her small flat. She had what she needed. Except fame and a regular boyfriend. No matter how hard she tried she always lost them. "It's not you, it's me," was her cue to run now. She had never leant to pick up on it still wanting things too much. One guy had manned up and told her she suffocated him and he only told her for her own sake. She had wanted to puke or hit him. She had settled for walking out.

"oh God baby, you're driving me crazy," he moaned under her and then lifted her up to position him inside her. She felt empty when he filled her and part of her wanted to cry, scream or hit him. He was going to tell her the exact same thing as all the others. She wanted to get it over with and done. The passion or hope of it that had made her say yes to come up with him, was gone now. She flipped them over so he was on top.

"But, babe," he breathed hard into her neck. "You're so hot on top." She wiggled and grasped him with her inner muscles and he groaned. How could he find this good when she wasn't? Why didn't those two seem to work together? Why did she feel so empty when she was with someone? It wasn't like he was prick or an ass, well yet anyway. He had taken her to dinner and he had been fun and witty. She'd had a good time. But now she was the one feeling suffocated.

"You're so big and make me feel like a real woman when you fuck me," she settled for. He stopped and she knew she'd said something wrong.

"I'd never have pecked you as a dirty talker." He stated flatly but then began moving with long strokes. It should feel good but she found herself being bored and thinking about how nasty his sweat made her feel, how his cock was doing it all wrong, his kisses were sloppy and without character. She wanted this to end now so she could make the excuse to leave. It had been a mistake.

He finally finished and she felt relieved when he retreated to the bathroom to clean himself off. She sat up and looking around to find her clothes. She stood hurried determined to be dressed when he came back. She had found her bra, panties and skirt when he came back.

"What the..? Rachel?" She turned around with a guilty look.

"I'm sorry, I have to get going. Got an early class," she was lying. She didn't. He nodded slowly. "I'll call you, okay?" She wouldn't. He smiled and walked over to her still naked and gave her a kiss.

"Sure, babe." She hated being called babe.

Rachel had slept like crap that night when she had finally come home. Restless and worried. She didn't know why and decided to go see her best friend the next morning. Sid was sitting her office with a mess of pictured, magazines and food around her. Her dog, Krumme, was on the floor but sprang to life when he spotted Rachel. Sid looked up from her work with a huge smile.

"He only makes a racket like that when you come," she said and got up to hug her small friend. Sid had been a model when she was 18 till she was 22 and had at that time decided she was done with being on front of the camera and had taken classes in photography where she has met Rachel. She said, now, that she was offered a more permanent spot of slavery. She was a photographer working for all the big magazines and as well as the rest of fashion industry. She had even been on Topmodel shooting them in one of her style shoots. Sid did style and simplicity like no other and she was famous for it. She was however unaffected with it and most days looked like a slob. A beautiful slob but still a slob. Like now she was wearing yoga pants and a grey washed out sweater that read 'I 3 Copenhagen'. Rachel was surprised this one didn't have a spot of sauce or whatever Sid was good at getting on herself.

Rachel returned Sid's hug. Despite her dishelved look Sid was always clean.

"I know. He's such a sweet boy," Rachel said as she scratched the pooch's ear. Krumme leaned into her touch and she envied Sid the freedom to take her dog to work.

"What brings you by? You look like hell." Sid was always honest in her own concerned way. Rachel shrugged and sat down in the only other chair in the room.

"How did the date go?" Sid had her eyes back to her pictures but Rachel knew nothing was slipping by her friend.

"It was...nice."

"That bad, hm?" Sid put the set of pictures to the side into a pile about to drop on the floor. "What did he do? Just boring? A jerk?" Rachel sighed again.

"No, he was nice and all but," she stopped looking at Sid. "Do you ever feel like you're missing something? I mean being single and all?" Sid furrowed her brown and finally looked up.

"Yes why do you think I have a dog I take with me everywhere?" Rachel smiled.

"I mean seriously, Sid? Like the race is for through breeds and you're a zebra?" Sid gave her a lopsided grin.

"I never feel like a zebra, Rach." Rachel was getting frustrated. "I have too long legs."

"Stop deflecting." As well as Sid knew Rachel, Rachel knew her just as well. Sid was brutally honest about most things but hardly ever about her own feelings.

"No I feel like I am a though breed they forgot to teach how to race," she finally gave in. "You're a different breed all together, Rach. Don't worry. It'll all work out." There was a haunted sadness for a second in her friend's eyes. Sid had seen most of the world, unlike Rachel, but it had had its price.

"You think?"

"I have to." Sid's smile was small as she focused back on her pictured. There was a comfortable silence as both women thought.

"Don't you have work today?" Rachel stretched lazily.

"Yeah I need to write my column but that's not due till Friday." Sid let go of yet another set of pictured and this time the stack did fall to the floor.

"Lort!" She hissed in her typical way. She used her native language to curse saying it was exotic when people didn't know what she was saying. Rachel was inclined to agree having picked up a fraises or two herself.

"You organize your office..." Rachel said slowly. Sid huffed.

"When hell freezes over." Sid in a nutshell. "Uh, I have an invitation to some party tonight. Don't remember where or why but it's a party. We should go. You need to get out with a friend and not some stupid man." Rachel mused it over. She could really do with a night out and with Sid it was always fun. "Come on, Rach. I need to get out as well. I'm a dried up old maid. Almost 30." Rachel grinned.

"Okay. Find out where and when." Sid nodded. She probably already knew where, when and why but wouldn't tell Rachel.

"Sure thing."

Rachel spent the morning shopping for something to wear as Sid had texted her with the details. It was a party for Vogue which was most likely why she hadn't told her in the first place. Rachel wasn't too keen on the fashion industry always having felt like an outsider. Through high school she had been called a freak and what not and it had left a scar of insecurity. Mid-way through and endless hunt for a dress Sid texted her she didn't need a dress after all. Sid had stolen a couple from a photo shoot – with shoes. Rachel had nothing to do but work so she went to her office for a few hours writing a random but funny anecdote on dating. More her dating. She made the guy from last night seem more funny than he had been and she, the helpless heroine, trapped under his sweaty boring body with too much hair. A little lie goes a long way in writing a column.

By the time Rachel made it home, she was tired. She had taught two ballet classes from 5 to 7 and she wasn't too keen on the party but hell come high water if Sid was going to take no for an answer. Sid was sitting on her doorstep as she came up the stairs.

"Hello girlfriend." Sid stood with two dresses over her arm. "You are not getting out of this one." Rachel knew it as well when she saw the dress in Sid's arms. She never could refuse a beautiful dress.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for all the alerts and the review Hope you enjoy

The girls got themselves ready over a few glasses of wine and take out. Sid had bought Rachel's favourite to keep her happy and Rachel even did feel a bit more of a party buzz as she stood in her dress in front of the mirror. Sid had done her hair half up and half down with the usual curls at the end. Her hair was still long but she had let it cut to a bit shorter – but never shorter than it could cover her shoulders. The dress was Rachel's favourite of all the "stolen" dresses Sid had got her. It was a deep blue with a v-neck in silk that loosely clung to her curves like a Roman goddess. She loved it.

"You don't think this is too long for this kind of party?" She asked as she looked down at her feet covered in dress. No one would see the shoes but Rachel didn't really care. Sid had argued that Rachel got the best dress so Sid got the best shoes. Sid came up behind her shaking her head while putting a long earring in her left ear.

"No, It's classic and since you're the same high as my first pony it makes you look taller." Rachel had long ago learnt that Sid called an idiot and idiot also to his face and to Sid stating facts wasn't being rude. It was merely stating just that – a fact.

"You sure?"

"Yep. As sure as." Sid smiled and gave herself a once over in the mirror. "Damn Rach, you're shining. This is gonna be a good night. I can feel it."

"It's Thursday tomorrow." Sid gave her the odd look.

"You only live once." Sid smiled brightly and her good mood, the dress and the small buzz from the wine made Rachel smile back.

"True."

They had arrived at the party and posed for a few pictures. Sid refused to let Rachel run from the photographers claiming it was good for Rachel's career to be seen especially when she looked that awesome. But Sid was old news in the industry and they soon found themselves inside that party. There were a million people and it was crowed and buzzing with people saying hello, talking about one or the other and new models trying to make good impressions on the right people. Sid ignored most dragging Rachel with her to the bar.

The bartender quickly turned to them. Sid might be old news to the outside world but she still knew how to turn a man's head – even with all the young stock around them. She winked at the bartender as he came up to them.

"Two cosmos." He nodded as Rachel finally made it up to the bar. In here her bossiness was like everyone else's. She was just another pretty girl trying to make it and on top of that most of the other girls barely saw her from their height. Rachel found herself hating models. They were so tall, perfect and skinny. Not that she wanted to be like them. She felt quite sure what she had set her apart but sometimes she just felt a twig of envy. Like now when she was certain no man would look twice at her with all these skinny beasts around.

Sid gave her the drink as the bartender quickly made it for them.

"Wow he was easy," she chuckled. "You know they say it's hard to get with a bartender. It's not."

"I'd say it was hard to keep him interested," Rachel countered with a dry voice. Sid furrowed her brow as she sipped the drink.

"Why would you want to but? I mean," she giggled. "The man serves drinks as a job. He'll never get you a drink when you shagged for hours." Rachel almost chocked on her drink.

"Sid! Why do you always have to go there?"

"'Cos it's true." She smirked and took another sip of her drink. "And cos it gets a rise out of you every time. You make it fun to be crude."

"I'll remember that," Rachel answered sarcastically. Sid threw her a sideways smile and then nodded to a man on the other side of the bar. Rachel sighed. Sid had been spotted by someone she knew. Most likely gay. Rachel felt like dancing. Her dress was made for it. To shine on the dance floor not stand at the bar where the flow to and fro was more heavy than the metro on a Monday morning. "I wanna dance," she announced and Sid lit up.

"Of course! I'll say hi after." They left the bar and headed for the dance floor as some new song of the moment boomed out making it easy to get into dancing.

Puck was getting ready. He looked into the mirror one last time before he left the hotel room. The bad boy style was in check. He could go and meet chicks. Some dumb model was bound to fall for his bad reputation and stunning good looks, he chuckled to himself. Puck had made it by landing a movie gig in the middle of college. He dropped out right after the premiere when more offers rolled in and he now had a good solid career as an actor. He was the new Vin Diesel. Except he could sing and play and was, fuck it, loads more cool!

Entering the party he was on the prowl from the get go. He wanted some tonight and this was meat market number one. Models trying to make it, models trying to stay and models trying to regain what was theirs. He didn't care what the fuck they were after, he only wanted pussy. If they were dumb enough to fall for his antics they deserved what they got. He did also pride himself to be one hell of a fuck. He did what he could to keep the ladies happy. He needed to after leaving them to an empty side of the bed or kicking them out almost right after. He grinned at himself remembering the last chick that had looked at him with the best fuck-face he'd ever seen and told him; "if you weren't that fucking awesome in bed, Puckerman, I'd kick your ass," before leaving with a sated smile on her sexy little mouth. He considered calling her back but a bad boy never and he wasn't about to start now.

He went to the bar to get a beer. The dude took for fucking ever to get to him but Puck just smiled. "Dude a beer."

With a beer in hand he started to look around. There were so many girls. It was like a candy store where each new thing was better than the other. He ruled out the non-leggies (the young-lings). He was an ass but he didn't do kids. He also ruled out the snobby ones they were too uptight in bed. Not worth his time. He needed someone loose enough to be fun and young enough to be tight. There were of course the madams here representing the young ladies. They loved him but he had long ago stopped with the older women as he himself got older and the girls his age did put out. The playing field had evened out and he loved it. Besides he had money now. Loads so no Santana to tell him to fuck off cos of lack of credit. However he found that he generally had to deal with a load of starfuckers and gold diggers instead. He had good instinct but some were smart and played by a book he had a feeling was regarded in a very secret society to be the holy grail of making it to never working a day in their life. He hated them more than he hated the uptight snobs that ignored him feeling too good to engage in what could probably the funniest night of their life. They lose, he thought. But gold diggers didn't give a shit about him, didn't care what he was or how he made his money, they would just do what ever to get their hands on it or gain their 15 minutes of fame. It made him wanna puke.

He moved towards the dance floor. Girls moving was always a good indicator on their skills in bed, he found. No rhythm, no flow he didn't care how gorgeous they were, it was a no go. Good sex wasn't about looks, he had to admit. It was about chemistry but also inhabitations and lack thereof. Letting go to follow. He liked to dominate and a girl that couldn't follow was horrible.

He looked around for a bit, swaying to the newest number on the chart when his eyes caught the hint of blue. He strained his eyes and soon the girl in the blue dress swayed across the dance floor with a lanky and blond guy in tow. The girl seemed to try to move away from the guy but he could be wrong and only be observing the oddest mating dance ever. The girl in blue did a spin with fluent and flowing movements, light as air and the guy clumsily followed. She was trying to get away. It was clear now. Fuck, some guys just didn't get it. The guy grabbed onto the girl's hand and spun her around catching her when she had her back to him as he put his other arm around and she was caught against his chest. Her hair spilling around her face like dark silk curtain. There was something about that girl, he couldn't put his finger on it.

The guy kept swaying her and after a few seconds it was clear the girl wanted out. Puck smiled. That guy was gonna get his ass kicked in a minute. The girl's hair slid from her face as she looked up and around to find her way out and just then there was no doubt in Puck's mind. He knew her. He knew her damn well. Rachel Berry. Fuck! He sprung to his feet and walked towards the couple as fast as he could.

He didn't have a plan. He was torn between wanting to torment her but also felt the guy was too creepy for him to allow that to continue. That guy couldn't really think he had a chance, could he? Judging by the way he was smothering poor Rachel it was obvious he did. Puck felt the need to dominate and he was the only one that was allowed to torture Rachel like that and only because he knew she secretly loved it.

Rachel looked up and around. Where the fuck was Sid and her lesbian act when she was needed? It always came when Sid was bored and wanted to stir things up but now the fair Scandinavian was gone with the east wind and Rachel was on her own with this creepy and persistent guy that had that soggy smell of wet sweat about him that had a humid feel to it but not the ape odour. She wanted nothing more but to get away from him and she told herself any rescuer would be welcomed. Until her eyes met Noah Puckerman's. He was standing a bit off the dance floor with a smirk not unlike a wolf watching that lamb and he was looking at her. She froze mid movement. Could it be him? He nodded at her and then set off towards them. She didn't know what to expect. He could do anything. It's was Puck...

"What's up baby?" The guy cooed in her ear and she almost tossed her head to the side to avoid his hot breath on her neck. She felt damp and dirty already where he'd touched her.

"What the fuck dude!" Puck's voice boomed out over the music. "You hitting on my lady!" Rachel breathed a sigh of relief. He was going to rescue her. She knew a scene was coming but she didn't really care. That creepy guy would let go any second now.

Like magic the guy did let go as Puck stared him down .

"I, erm. Sorry man." Puck grabbed Rachel's hand – a little too hard – and almost dragged her off the dance floor with cussing like mad while people were looking and talking about them. Rachel had to keep from giggling and Puck let go the second they were out of the guy's range.

"Thank you." Rachel said as Puck turned towards her with a sexy as hell smirk.

"No probs, Berry. I figure only I get to torture you like that." He winked and she smiled. He looked incredible. He had been fine in high school but now even more. His features were more manly and he had filled out even more. Broad chest and a strong body. He could carry her out without strain if he wanted to. But the softness in his eyes were still there and looking at her now – despite his attempt to be all hard and badass – he looked at her like a friend and somehow she felt safe with him even after all these years apart. She hadn't kept in contact with him through high school but had often thought about him.

"You want a drink?" he offered and she nodded. "Cool, you can thank me by buying me a beer," he leered and she rolled her eyes.

"Still the same Puckerman." He nodded cheekily.

"You loved it." She rolled her eyes again as she turned around walking to the bar. Like she'd ever admit that. He knew it already. She had always liked him and she had felt drawn to him. She knew it was cliché that she was the pure innocent school girl drawn to the bad boy in school. Grease all over but she couldn't help it. Besides, she rationalized, he wasn't that bad. He did some stupid shit in high school but never too malicious and over the years in Glee he did improve.

She made it to the bar and was ignored for the better part of 15 minutes until she lost her temper.

"If you serve another blond, young thing before me I will grab it myself." The barman stopped and looked her like she had just landed from Mars but then nodded. Another one of those. He liked the models better.

"A beer and a cosmo." He returned with the drink a while after and she set out to find Puck again. He was talking to some girl when she spotted him and looking very interested as the girl leaned into him giving him perfect view to her breasts. Rachel stopped in her tracks. What did she expect? It was Puck of all people. She took a swig from the beer and left him to it as she set out to find Sid instead. That girl was like Houdini. Gone when she wanted to be and there taking up the whole scene when you didn't want her to. Okay, at times Sid saved the situation as well.

Rachel felt frustrated. She was okay with being on her own at most things but these parties were boring when you didn't know anyone and the whole industry changed from one month to the next. She sighed and found herself a seat in a booth where she could sit on her own. The shoes were killing her feet stride by stride and she was thinking of going home.

Please review! :D Makes me so happy happy happy!


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for the reviews :) This chapter will clear it up I haven't decided just how mature Rachel will have become but I think I'm opting for the more grown up version...but we'll see :-) Enjoy!**

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><p>"Berry," a dark voice boomed over her and she looked up confused only to see Puck towering over her with a pissed off expression. "What the fuck? You're drinking my beer now as well?" I save you from the creepy Poul Bettany in DaVinci look-alike and you drink my beer?" She thrust out the beer to him immediately feeling guilty and wanting to make up for it by offering the only thing she has.<p>

"I saw you with that girl...figured you wanted time to..." she trailed off. He smirked taking the beer from her outstretched hand.

"Nah I want them legal." Rachel looked even more confused. "She was 16, Berry."

"Ah." Guess he had standards now.

"So?" Puck sat down across the table facing her as he took a healthy swig of his beer. "What's up with Rachel Berry?" Rachel shrugged. What was up? Where do you start after years of not talking? "Come on Rach. I could never get you to shut up and now you don't talk?" He smirked.

"Well, I'm good. You?" Lame. She knew it as he rolled his eyes.

"That was fucking lame even for you. Quit the platitudes." He knew that word now? "What do you do? Broadway?"

Rachel shook her head feeling a tinge of embarrassment.

"No; I write a column for York Times." Puck gave her an incredulous look.

"Really?" She nodded and some sense of pride came over her. "That's..." he took a swig more. "I always thought you'd be on Broadway or be the next Barbara." So did she but she smiled politely.

"How about you?"

"I'm good. Busy. Here in New York for the next three months," he smiled slightly suggestive and she wondered what on earth he was thinking she already knew but she gave him another polite nod to urge him on. "My agent told me this would be a great change. Here for the rehearsals." Eh? What? Agent? Her mind was wheeling. What did Noah do now? She gave him a puzzled look. "It's a more romantic sort than normal." It's clicked in her mind.

"You're in movies?"

"Hell, Barry. Did you just fall off the moon?" Sure felt like it right now. "I've been in 3 movies this year." How did she miss this? He looked at her expectantly. Rachel Berry knew these things and she didn't know he'd made it? A part of him felt hurt and disappointed. He couldn't quite tell why.

"What have you been in?" She finally asked.

"Stroke of speed." Ahh, action movies.

"That's that action movie, right?" He nodded with pride.

"Hell yeah baby. I'm the new Vin Diesel." Rachel couldn't help her smile. It was kinda perfect for him.

"I'll make sure I see it then."

"You should. Hot looking Jew in action."

They talked for a while about it all. Their lives, what had happened since high school, the rest of Glee, his movies, her column.

"Where's the hunky man?" Rachel laughed.

"There's no hunky man, Puck."

"Hmm," he took another swig of beer. "I always figured you marry some brainy college boy."

"I didn't."

"But you were close to, right? Did you mess it up like you did with Finn?" Rachel's jaw dropped. How the fuck did he know that?

"Who told you about Aaron?" It must have been someone they both knew. "Brittany?" He grinned.

"No, I know you Berry. You wanna be a good girl and do right by what you think you need but deep down inside you don't need some pretty boy. You need passion and someone that can _handle_ you. I always figured that Jesse kid would be the one you'd try and tie the knot with." Rachel felt a stab to the heart. Jesse. She missed him still. He was her first real broken heart and she let it happen more than once. Jesse had made her a fool and she hated that about him but she knew if he was to waltz back into her life she'd most likely let him do it. All over. Her and Jesse was a sad story – but sad as in pathetic not tragic. The only tragedy was her lack of self-esteem when it came to him and to see through his bullshit.

"So what about you?" She asked feeling like she needed to steer away from her crash cart of a love life before he predicted more scary facts about her. He shook his head.

"Nope."

"Nope?"

"I don't have the time. I travel around all the time and so far steering around gold diggers and star fuckers is full time job. You wouldn't believe how crazy they are." Rachel smiled sympathetically.

"Must be hard," she said and looked him straight in the eye with a soft playful smile tugging at her lips. He gave her puppy dog eyes and the best pout he could muster.

"You have no idea."

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><p>Sid saw Rachel sit at the table. She wasn't supposed to be sitting in that dress! That girl. But then her eye got caught by Puck. She knew who he was immeadiately and she furrowed her brow a bit. How did Rachel come up with the nerve to talk to this kind of guy. Sid was sure that kind of guy would do wonders to her friend's uptight manners but normally it seemed like oil and water with Rachel and those guys. Sid was curious by nature and she wanted to know but she felt torn. Her friend was beaming at the guy and smiling like she hadn't in too long and Sid didn't feel it was her place to intrude but she needed to know. God! Rachel and her gossipy ways had rubbed off on her too damn much and now it was gonna bite Rachel in the butt.<p>

Sid made to their table and opted to play this cool.

"Rach, wassup?" Okay, she was too buzzed to be cool but who gives a fuck, right? Most drunks are living on the excuse of being drunk and any apology would be put to the ground with 'you were drunk' so why not go full out?

"Sid, this is my friend Noah Puckerman." Rachel said proudly and Puck smirked at Sid. Sid took in the actor's attitude and despite her buzz she knew this kind of guy too well.

"Pleasure, Noah Puckerman," she slurred playing the drunk part more than needed. "I saw your last movie." Letting it hand Sid knew she was being rude covered under drunk and weird. Rachel gave her the eye and Sid knew then Rachel was trying to make some kind of good impression. "So this is the guy that you lost that pantsy Finn over?" Sid connected the dots fast enough and Rachel looked livid for a moment but when Puck chuckled she relaxed. Sid failed to see the fun in it all.

"No, he came running back like the baby he was. I think he only married Quinn 'cos Rachel had the balls to leave Lima." Sid smiled vaguely aware of what had actually been said and more the look the two exchanged between them just then. "I actually think the saga of Finchel and Quinchel had the plot of 90 210." Sid chuckled. Where were all these guys now? Rachel deserved the attention. All she got were the creepy copy men, the executives of Boredom and the plain asses. A twitch of sadness on her friend's behalf, made her give a crocked smile to Puck.

"My high school was lame. Too much drinking, loads of parties and in the middle of it I moved over here."

"Why did you move here when all the big shows are in Europe?" Rachel asked.

"My dad got a job. I travelled anyway so didn't matter where home was."

"Home will always be Lima to me," Puck broke in with a smile. "I might have been a loser there or hated or whatever but it's still home. Besides it's awesome to come back now and everybody knows I made it and they didn't."

Rachel looked down into her empty glass. It had small drops of pink on the sides. She hadn't made it. She still had so many songs in her flat that she could make 10 records but no one every listened to them. She sang to the dark but not to anyone's ears any more. When had she stopped?

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><p><strong>Please review! :D<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for the reviews :) Here's the next chapter. Enjoy! And don't forget to stroke my ego by leaving your comment ;)**

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><p>"This party sucks." Puck all of the sudden exclaimed and made to get up. They had been talking for an hour or so and Puck needed to do something. This talking crap never had been his style. He had trouble focusing on the girls. They were both too damn hot. Sid way out of his reach and so not his type but still sexy to look at and then Rachel and all their history. He remembered her from high school with her energy and verbal diarrhea and now she was a grown up woman. She was as beautiful as he remember her and more. She was the itch he never was allowed to scratch and he really needed to scratch that itch now. Right now. He absentmindedly ran a hand over his hair. "Wanna get out of here?" He mainly meant Rachel but he didn't mind if Sid decided to join them. She seemed like a good party. Rachel nodded quickly. He needed to get her where he could get some more alcohols in her. An idea formed and he smiled wickedly at her making her frown with suspicion.<p>

"I know just the place for you Berry."

"What kind of place would that be?"

"You'll see."

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><p>Puck had taken them to a bar across town in a sort of seedy area and Rachel didn't feel at all comfortable till she went inside and the atmosphere was buzzing. It was a karaoke bar and people were singing their hearts out. Not very well, she might add but they were all smiling, yelling and humming along to everything and even Rachel couldn't help to smile.<p>

"I'll go sign us up." Puck said and left the girls standing in the middle of the room.

"Let's get hammered." Sid said enthusiastically and grabbed Rachel's hand as she headed for the bar. "Gimme 12 shots of tequila and 3 beers." Rachel gaped at Sid.

"Are you mad? We'll pass out." Sid only grinned.

"I'm sure your knight there will take you home then and tuck you in nicely." She winked and gave Rachel the first shot as the bartender came with them. Rachel hesitated. She wasn't too keen on tequila. "Come on Rachel. Why hold back? He's hot, he's totally into you and you never did do it with him?" Sid was right. She downed the first shot as Sid paid.

"Woah, this is crap." Sid merely smiled.

"If there's no lemon and salt wash it down with a beer."

"I'll get hammered."

"That's the point." Sid said matter of factly and drowned her next shot.

"Don't start without me!" Puck whined as he had made it back to them. He grabbed two shot and gave Rachel one. "To old times." Rachel wrinkled her nose as she down the shot. It was burning all the way down and the take out they had earlier seemed light years away from the pit of her stomach now. Puck raised his beer. "And to meeting again." Rachel was more comfortable with the beer and just took another swig of it as Puck drowned his second shot.

"What song did you choose?" Puck wiggled his eyebrows at her.

"You'll see. But you'll love the sentiment of it." Rachel felt a bit worried he's chosen something like Push It or some other sexual song and decided another shot would have to be the way forward if she was going to sing something like that. By the time Rachel made it to the small stage she was drunk. Not too drunk to sing or know what she was doing but she was most certainly drunk. Puck held her hand as they pushed through the crowd and thrust the microphone into her hand as they made it up there and the song they were going to sing came up on the screen. Fireworks! She felt elated. She loved that song.

"Oh my God, Noah." She slung her arms around his neck and pressed a drunken kiss to his cheeks. He half returned the hug but quickly pushed her off him as the music started.

"Sing baby." And she did. It felt so good to sing again and it was fun to sing with Puck. It was easy to harmonize and they fell into the old routine of singing like they had in no time. It was the best and Rachel could barely contain her joy as they left the stage with people cheering like mad, yelling and jumping around.

"That was AWESOME!" She yelled over the noise and Puck put his arm around her.

"Yep." Was all he said as they made it back to the bar and she was chattering like mad about it all and that should get back to music. He recognized her again and it made him smile. Good old Rachel. They kept drinking and having fun as they sang a lot more songs. Sid went home at 2 but neither Puck nor Rachel felt like ending the evening. The bar closed at 3 and they were kicked out by a happy bartender telling them to come back anytime. It had been an awesome party.

"So can I take you home fair lady?" Puck chuckled drunkenly as she nodded telling him they needed a cab to get to her place. They started walking to find one. They were silly and giddy barely able to look at each other without laughing and smiling. It was silly, he thought. It had never been like this back in high school. But then again high school had been a hell of a lot of drama. Finn, Jesse and himself. How did a girl like Rachel hold onto this many guys? He looked down at her walking under his arm swaying and giggling as she was telling him about something. He couldn't listen. All he was seeing was her lips moving. He wanted to kiss them so bad. All night. He sighed and she stopped looking up at him big hazel eyes with a question in them he hadn't heard. All he could think of was kissing her and how good it would feel. He didn't know what was holding him back really but something was. It seemed like time had stopped around them as he was mesmerized by her lips and her eyes. She had that same school girl gaze of innocence and pureness he was drawn to like a moth to a flame.

"Noah?" Her voice broke through the barrier and the real world with the rest of its occupants in it fell on him.

"Mhm?" He asked absentmindedly still focused on the one thing he really wanted to do.

"You're staring."

"No." She gave him a questioning look and he gave her a sly smile. "I'm trying to determine how bad you're gonna kick my ass if I kiss you." He managed to not make it sound like a question but rather a bold statement – a testimony to how badass he still was!

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><p><strong>Okay, a bit short. I have to sleep – I'm almost sorry. Get reviewing and I'll hurry up with the next... :D<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry it took a little while to write this…school's a bitch like that ;) Enjoy!**

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><p>Rachel's face lit up into a 1000 watt smile leaving Puck a little light headed as he took it as permission. He leaned down and found her lips. He brushed his across hers at first unsure if he should or shouldn't. This was Rachel Berry, known prude and with her sight set so hard on success and fame it blew the idea of love into a sinking Titanic just heading for the bottom broken in two. Was he willing to risk this again?<p>

With a soft nudge all the doubt was eradicated from his intoxicated mind as she nipped at his lips with a soft moan. The sound was like a crocked finger calling him from over a dead wasteland of want. He had been hunting most of his adult and teenage life for some connection through random sexual endeavors. Trying to fill a void he didn't even know he had. That soft moan was the sweetest sound to his ears and it took nothing off him to cup her face and kiss her like his life depended on it. Not soft nibbles or small romantic short bursts of a newly formed crush. He kissed her full on almost devouring her but she followed him every bit with one hand tangled in his hair and another fisted in his jacket. His arm snaked around her pressing her to him as his hand travelled to her hair keeping her head in position as his tongue found hers. It was like duel of wills and the melting of them; the only thing they were occupied with was this fire between them like insanity taking hold and spreading like wildfire.

Puck's lounges were burning for air when he let up for a minute to open his eyes and look into her deep brown eyes as she opened hers aswell. A soft smile spread on her full lips. They were swollen and he was aching to kiss her again.

"You," he took a deep breath. "Are going to drive me insane." She chuckled and then kissed him sucking on his bottom lip before letting go.

"I can't wait." He sighed as she took his and intertwined their fingers. "Let's go." Puck had no problem with going so he followed her and fought the urge to stop every five second to kiss her more, make her make that small soft moan. He wanted more than anything to hear that moan again. It had him hard in his pants and at the same time feeling like a school boy about to lose his virginity to the girl he had had a crush since first grade.

They made it to a bigger and busier street and Rachel nonchalantly hailed them a cab wavering her hand in the air. He seized the opportunity to step in behind her and kissed her neck. Small soft teasing kisses that had her smile and giggle.

"It's tickling me." He bit her jaw line before whispering huskily in her ear.

"This is nothing, baby." The cab pulled up and he had to let her get in. As she sat down she turned and looked at him.

"Promises, promises." He slid in next to her going for her neck right away as she was giving the driver her address. He didn't listen to the address at all. All he was focused on was her, the smell of her, the taste of her and he was trying to make a plan for what he was going to do to her when he got her good, naked and horizontal. He ghosted his lips over her skin resisting the temptation to lick her because he knew she'd push him away. It would be too much. She might be drunk and willing but he had a feeling that she hadn't changed that much since high school so he kept the kinky stuff for when he could have his way with her behind closed doors. He kissed behind her ear.

"It's not only a promise. It's what's gonna happen." The car started to move now and the engine would keep small noises from the driver and Rachel let another soft moan slip for him. She had noticed that he seemed to get more excited and eager every time she did and her powers of observation were spot on. He bit her skin just hard enough for her do it again before he bit her earlobe. "Fuck Rachel. "

The drive seemed to take forever and still he felt it was too short when they stopped and he had to stop touching her for the time it took him to pay the cab and them to walk to her door. He had to stop her on the way up pinning her to the wall and attack her lips while half lifting her up pressing himself against her. She willingly wrapped her arms around his neck letting her body fit with his moaning with every movement. He knew he had to get her inside soon or they'd end up doing it on her apartment staircase where every one of her neighbors would be able to walk up on them any minute. He'd love the thrill of doing that and with her as well but if they were found and this reached the press he knew he'd be in for it. Rachel wouldn't want that and he was not in any way ready to share her – not with the world press or even a voyeur neighbor.

"We, we.." he stammered finding it hard to form the words. "Bed," was all he managed. She let him go and looked up to her door. Stepping from her, he kept his hand on her hip as she walking in front of him up the last set of stairs. She fumbled with the keys and he stood behind her sliding his arm around her stomach and pressing into her back. He buried his nose in her hair. It smelled like vanilla. It smelled to familiar and sexy at the same time he could barely contain himself. He growled in her ear.

"Hurry the fuck up, Rach." He snaked his other arm around her and bringing a hand up to cup her breast through the fabric of her coat.

"That is not helping, Noah." He smiled wickedly. He figured a bit of teasing might drive her the right kind of crazy, get her aching even more than him even if he doubted that was possible.

Finally she got the lock opened and the door gave way to the couple. He wasted no time picking her up and carrying her to the bedroom. He picked the right room right away as he spotted the bed through the opened door. He threw her on the bed a little rough but she laughed as he towered over her with a look of passion she couldn't wait for him to live out on her.

She hoisted herself up on her elbows looking at him with a coy smile. He took his time just looking at her lying there ready for the taking before he shed his shirt and lowered himself down over her crawling up over her body as he pushed the dress up over her legs with him. He let himself feel her perfect legs and enjoy it. It had been off limits to him in high school because of Finn and Jesse but now she was his and he wasn't about to hurry. He kissed her inner thigh lightly making her lie down with a almost inaudible sigh.

"Noah…" She breathed out his name in the sexiest husky voice he had to look up at her. She had closed her eyes, her lips parted and as he nudged her legs fell apart for him. "Please…"

"Woah Rachel, I didn't think it'd be this easy to get you to beg." She lifter her head and looked at him biting down on her bottom lip. Her hair was a mess already and her eyes were hooded with arousal. He chuckled softly before reaching up to her and kissing her hungrily. She hooked her leg over his hip and pressed him to her as she lifted her pelvis to him. He seemed to lose his cool right about there and didn't give a damn about teasing or if she did beg too easily or not. It was all about pressure, pleasure and gratification from there.

Their clothes were shed in a rush to get naked against one another. Skin on skin, rushed kisses and when he finally pressed into her it was a crazy feeling of joy.

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><p>Please review :)<p> 


	6. Chapter 6 The Morning After

**Sorry for the long update time. I think I fixed the first chapter now. Seemed my internet was fail. Anyways, enjoy and don't forget to leave a written treat for me after reading ;)**

**The morning after**

Coming to, Puck was being pulled from the comfortable dream of having sex with Berry. Her body thrashing under him in wild throws of passion. Not unlike the night before and the two times they'd woken up during the night and continued. He turned over to turn off his phone barely opening his eyes as his hand rummaged through the items on the small bedside table. He managed to push a variety of items he had no idea what was off and it landed with small thuds on the floor before he finally found his phone as it was almost dancing over the table in its attempt to alert him of the morning blazing on him.

He picked it up and realized it was ringing rather than it being his alarm. He picked it up with a gruff voice.

"Puck!" he almost growled into the speaker.

"You're late," was all his manager said. Puck sat up. Where did he have to be?

"To where?"A tired sigh on the other end.

"The press conference."

"What press conference?"

"The one your're going to and apparently are going to be really late for," his manage explained with a tired voice. "You know Puck, this is getting old." Puck tuned out as his manager continued to rant in the other end. God, that man was more woman than most women, he thought annoyed as the shrilling sound of said managed was having a good go at his pounding head.

"I need 10 minutes," Puck interrupted finally tired of being told off. His manager hung up. Puck looked around the room lazily and just then he saw the naked form of Rachel. She was laying on her back the sheet only just covering her one leg and the lower part of her left abdomen. How on earth hadn't she woken up? She looked gorgeous and he couldn't contain the smile as he leaned down over her covering her body with his. Fuck if he was late to that press thing. It was part of his image any way. Beside a few more minutes wouldn't change that he already was late. He kissed her collar bone and started kissing his way up her neck. He could feel himself getting hard and he knew he had to stop. He couldn't blow off the whole press conference before the movie was even filming but fuck all he wanted to was to stay in bed with her. She sighed and started to stir as he kissed the side of her mouth.

"B? You need to wake up, babe." She whimpered as she tried to find his mouth without opening her eyes. He couldn't help a smile and gave into her kiss for a few seconds before pulling away. "Baby, I'm sorry but I need to work." She groaned and finally opened her eyes.

"No," she pouted at him.

"Fuck B. Don't give me that face." He was getting even harder now. Why did that face turn him on? Who cared maybe all she did was turning him on right now. "Okay, shower now." He jumped out of bed and pulled her with him to the bathroom. He pressed her up against the wall as he turned the water on, kissing her frantically. His hands were roaming her body as she buried her hands in his hair returning the kisses with as much enthusiasm as him. He lifted her up when the water was warm enough and once under the water he entered her taking merely a second to let her adjust to him. She bit his lip lightly as he started to move and he set a fast and frantic pace. He didn't have the time he wanted but he would make do with the time he did have.

"Rub yourself, B." She did as told and arched the second she did lifting her back off the cold wall behind her with a moan.

"Puck," it was more of a whimper than anythingas she continued to rub herself her breathing grew more labored and fast. He was finding it hard to not come. Fuck! Rachel Berry was getting herself off in the shower with him. Back in high school he'd never have dreamed. Or maybe that was exactly what he had done. Dreamed she'd be like this. Now he knew and he was finding it unbelievably hot.

"So fucking hot, baby. I can't," he didn't finish but just let go into her. The feeling of his seed inside of her had her reeling and she followed suit right after. She went limp in his arms and he had to hold onto her tightly as he found her lips. It was a lazy kiss this time filled with sated post-orgasmic calm. "I'm sorry but I have to go. Like an hour ago." She smiled lazily and stole a quick kiss from him.

"I should get to work, too."

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><p>Rachel felt like her body was on fire. Every touch sent jolts of passion through her. She felt insane and out of control like never before. It was in a sharp contrast to the other night with her date of hopes when she came in his arms thrashing wildly with no care in the world. He had left kissing her softly. An apology for the rush with which he had to leave. He promised to call her and she had no doubt he would. He had texted her only 10 mins after leaving telling he'd head to her place the second he was off if she was home? She would make sure to be. She for the first time in years felt as if this might actually be something. Her and Puck had been on different sides of the fence back when they were together and despite Glee they never did pick it up. Never did try again. She felt it had been silly now. Finn had taken up her entire romantic mind set. Filled the picture out with his sweetness and dubiousness and she had been the foolish school girl with a crush. Even the second time around as well. In the end they Finn had left her for a new girl in Glee and Rachel had felt like her whole world made a sad ugly sense. She was never what he wanted really. She too much. New girl was much more him. All soft and gentle where Rachel was forceful and only thinking of success and how to get there. She had relaxed a bit in her senior year and had been more open to Finn and let him be himself more in their relationship but still she wasn't anything like the girl he needed. And now Quinn was that woman – again. And she had felt lost till now. Till last night. Maybe Noah was the one that got away. An unexplored path needed to be taken in order for it all to be right. She felt happy and elated as she decided to go see Sid first before a ballet class of her own.<p>

Entering Sid's office Krumme sprang to life with his usual enthusiasm and she scratched his ear affectionately.

"Hey." Sid greeted her getting up from her chair. "How did it go? He fuck you senseless?" She said with a wicked grin. Rachel tried not to blush. As much as she didn't care too much how she looked or sounded in bed, she was still a prude when it came to talking about sex and the last thing she wanted her friends to know was that she was sex kitten or think she was. "Oh my God, he did!" She whined with a huge smile. "Was it good?" Rachel's cheeks turned from lightly pink to bright red.

"Sid!" Sid laughed at her.

"Don't worry, Rach. Lunch?" Rachel nodded her agreement and they left Sid's office and went to their favorite café.

"So tell me all," Sid said happily as she sat down. She was wearing a dress today that reminded Rachel more of a bag than a dress. She had a wooly pair of stocking on and flat brown shoes. Rachel was amazed at her lack of style today. Or she was more amazed that Sid could pull out dresses like the ones they'd worn last night and skillfully navigated magazine parties like Vogue and never be put the "NOT" column and still manage to turn up the day after looking the first of her life as a bum.

"Well," Rachel began uneasy in her own happiness. It had been so long. This conversation was normally going over the grim details of last night. Trying to laugh off the embarrassing things that would have happened and how to make it suited for Rachel's column. But today was different. Today it was good. Her face cracked in a huge smile. "He's just so nice…" Sid looked at her funny.

"Nice?" Fuck, Rachel was an oddball at times, she thought warily reregistering Rachel's slight embarrassment.

"Yes, I mean. I don't know," Rachel felt flustered. "He's all he was in high school – only grown up."

"And you have grown up," Sid pointed out. Rachel nodded. Oh yes she had, hadn't she? She beamed happily at Sid.

"Yes, which is good. 'Cos now we can have an actual relationship." Sid who had taken a sip of coffee almost choked.

"Say what?"

"What do you mean?" Rachel looked at her a quizzically.

"I mean, Rahcel. You slept with him last night straight off a party. Not exactly the relationship starter." Sid looked uneasy. She didn't want to tell Rachel what she thought but found it impossible to stop herself like so many other times; her mouth had a mind of its own. Rachel looked so hurt.

"He said he'd call," she defended. "He texted me he'd be over soon as he was off." Sid looked at her with a small smile and Rachel pondered not for the first time if their problem was actually their lack of trust. Maybe it wasn't the men but their suspicion of the men that made them weird. Who, who only just met you, would want to prove themselves? And even more prove you weren't like all the first prick that set off this domino effect of suspicion? No one was the answer. And most men would run. Most would bolt aiming for never looking back. Too used to that feeling and eventually learning to recognize it, Rachel expected it in most men. If not at first then later on. And Sid was the same. She'd just given up.

"Then I'm sure he will," Sid finally said and Rachel just then been told her first white lie from her friend. She chose not to give into it. She didn't want to know or see the insecurities her own mind and face was expressing. She wanted to be fucking happy and she wanted to see Puck!

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><p>Leaving lunch, Rachel headed for her ballet class but she was distracted and got yelled at quite a lot and when she left the studio she felt like she was old and tired and opted to go home and not to her office. She had written her column anyway and next week's was a week away still. She had a thin and somewhat depressing outline of an idea.<p>

She went to the market to get some food, stuff and necessities and ended up deciding she'd have salad with chicken. By the time she got home unloading her thing onto the counter her iPhone deeped encouragingly at her lying on the counter playing this week's playlist. The displayed showed Noah's name and her heart leapt. She hesitantly picked up the item which had so often held and answer to her conquest, broke her heart with dismissal and at times made her so happy she was surprised the item at hand was still working from squeezing it hard, holding to her or throwing it angrily on her sofa. She took a deep breath before opening the text unsure if she wanted to know what he had to say. Would he tell her 'thanks for last night but I'm too busy and famous to be with her'? Or just unfriend her with the polite dismissal that he'd be busy? Or say he wanted no commitment and they could have their fun till he left her?

Opening the actual text her heart skipped a heart with what he had in reality written; "Hey B-Babe. Fuck I thought about you all day. You looked fucking sexy-fuckable this morning in bed. Want me to bring anything for dinner? Chinese? Italian?" She giggled at his endearment for her. B-babe? He was coming over? Really? She stopped and thought about it. When had she stopped thinking people would actually do as they said they would? Had Noah given her any indication he would use her and dump her? She blinked confused for the first time aware of what she had become. Of how she had begun to distrust all men when they said they'd call, come over or when they said they loved her. She just didn't believe. She wanted to believe, she really did but it seemed that the trusting girl that had graduated from high school and was now a student of life, had changed and hardened as she learnt about the ways of the world. Was she a cynic?

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><p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please let me know what you think; good or bad :)<p>

~Ilu


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for you all adding my story to alert and stuff :) Here's the new chapter and I now have a full plan for this story :D Please review at the end! Makes me happy.**

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><p>The knock that came later on Rachel's door had her spin around with a smile the size of a small country. She ran to the door and then stopped thinking she didn't wanna seem too eager and instead took a deep breath and ran a hand through her hair to make it look, she didn't know, just more. She opened the door and Noah stood outside with a bag in hand and a cocky smile.<p>

"Noah," she greeted him trying desperate not to throw herself at him. She had missed him so much and her frantic worries over the day had left her even more happy to see him as well as drained. She couldn't help the tiredness washing over her as he stepped in and gave her a soft kiss at the side of her mouth.

"Hey Gorgeous." He said as softly as his kiss contradicting the cocky smile. He was tired, too. "You won't believe the day I've had," he said as he held his hand on her hips walking inside making sure she followed.

"I think I will."

They fell on the couch both tired, her mind finally at rest from the worries and doubts. They ate small talking about their day. He had been late for the press conference and had then been asked about his ways and all the usual questions; nothing new or even remotely interesting. And all the while he just wanted to go back to her in bed and laze around all day mostly being naked. He had given her shoulder a playful bite saying that. After the press conference all Puck had wanted was some hot grub and coffee and to sit down for half an hour to (he wanted to soak up the night with her but he wasn't gonna tell her that kind of girlish crap) sit and fantasize about her – another playful bite under her jaw this time. He had however been rushed off to a pre-rehearsal. They were not sure about his co-star. She was young and been in a TV-show he hadn't seen but they weren't sure they had cast the right one to play opposite him. They needed to check. His co-star, Carla, had been cute and bubbly in person but he felt she did manage to bring her role to life but he didn't feel any connection with her. It was common like that. You couldn't get along with everybody, he knew that. It was all checked, logged and sent to the producer to sit with the whole the production of the movie to watch, discuss and dissect. They'd know tomorrow. Nothing in Hollywood was slow; it was all about the money and wasting time was wasting money. They refused to make a mistake casting the wrong girl. Funny, he had thought, he was the right one.

He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to him as they were done eating and she told him about her day. She omitted the part of worry and self-doubt and instead focused on the injustice her ballet teacher had inflicted on her. Noah played the good boyfriend and offered to beat him up. She smiled and kissed him wanting to change the subject. She wanted his affection and love right now. Soak it up while she could. He gave into her easily returning her kisses and pulling into her lap. Rubbing her back they just kissed. Somehow he had picked up on her sadness. He knew something had happened to her in the passing years. He could feel how tired she seemed. Not physically but mentally. He hated seeing that. He wanted his old vibrant Rachel back and he'd do right about all to achieve it. He had never been good with feelings but he had one now telling him to simply care about her and stick with her. Stick out the tiredness and let her relax with him. He had grown to love her in high school but damn it Finn and his lanky puppy eyes had been in his way and he knew who he was back then, knew he didn't have what it took to have a girl like Rachel.

He peeled off her shirt enjoying the feel of her soft skin under the palm of his hands. He buried his one hand in her hair and the other stayed in her hips encouraging the rhythm of her hips; slow and just enough to tease and plant the idea of sex in his groin. He wanted her closer but he knew he had all the time in the world if he played his cards right. He let go of her lips and drew back a bit to look her in the eye. She smiled at him and a small shard of her old self shone through. But just as soon as it had been there it was gone and she leaned back grinding her sex to his. Fleeing from him. He let her putting both hands on her hips and lifting his pelvis up to meet her. She moaned quietly and he couldn't hold back any longer. He peeled her bra off throwing it somewhere on the floor before turning her over so she was under him. She pulled at his t-shirt between frantic kisses. He kissed her nipple eliciting more moans from her and soft enunciations of his name. He loved that sound, the way she drew out the syllables; 'Nnnoaaaahhhhh.' His pants were too small and felt constricting; like a wall between bliss and control. He had never been one for control. That was her. Always on top of her priorities and she had the master plan and a million of other plans to stay with the plan of plans.

Her small hand found its way to his pants and unbuckling the belt and then his buttons she pulled them down over his straining cock. He couldn't help pushing into her hand wanting more than the soft hold she had on him.

"Babe…" He trailed off as she let go with a teasing smile.

"I'm too dressed." He grinned and kissed his way down her body paying attention to both her breasts and sliding his tongue over her stomach. She giggled and squirmed.

"Tickles." He scrapped his stubbles over her skin and she wiggled even more. "Nnnnnoooaaahhhh!" That moan again. She was crazy if she thought he'd stop when she made that sound. "I'm gonna wet myself, Noah." She sat up and he knew he had to stop. She pulled his face up to her and kissed him while still giggling lightly. He bit her lip feeling impatient. He laid her down again and this time he rid her of her clothes admiring her naked form under him. She stretched out appearing comfortable with herself. He smiled and then all of the sudden he took a second critical look at her. She wasn't looking at him and keeping her eyes closed head turned away from him. He gave her stomach a testing kiss. She gave him a half moan but kept her eyes closed. He moved up to her breast and licked her nipple before biting down on it lightly. She arched her back up to him wanted more and at the same time pushing him away.

"Puck…" she never called him Puck. He knew emotion wasn't his thing or he pretended it wasn't but he could see distancing when he saw it. He was a pro at doing it himself and this was her doing it – to him. Rachel Berry ruined and broken like a toy played with too much by children without any idea how to use it and instead broke it. She was the same package, the same smile, absolute gorgeous body, long hair that would shine in the light even when it was dark but her eyes lacked the spark of energy, interest and that intensity that made her borderline insane at times.

But insanity gone from the front he felt it now ran deeper and was more real. He knew she wasn't insane and had never been but more just flirting with it all the time making her the most unpredictable and interesting person he'd ever met. Now she was a pot with the lid on keeping the steam inside.

"B?" He asked and she hummed back at him but didn't look up. "B." He said more firmly and she opened her eyes looking at him with a scared question in her eyes. Why was she scared? What the hell? She planned out her expression which only angered him even more. "What the fuck is that?"

"What?"

"The impersonal sex-kitten?" her face fell. It took her a second to understand before answering him.

"Isn't that what you want?" she asked in a small voice. He felt confused and then it seem to settle in. Normally that would be what he wanted. He fucked girls and didn't care much what was going on in their heads or how it made them feel. He wanted them to be fucked good and be satisfied but he didn't much care if they felt anything or nothing girly emotional wise. He shook his head and instead of answering her some silly (gay) answer to reassure her, he bent down to kiss her eyes open looking her till she was all fuzzy and too close. He let go and looked her square in the eye.

"Fuck no."

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><p><strong>Now, lemme me know what you think :)<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for the reviews! Made me so happy. This is a short one but it sets things going. And I have a long one coming up – just the last rewrites on it :)**

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><p>Rachel didn't understand what was wrong. No sex-kitten? What? Why? She felt naked all of the sudden. She had been naked with him just last night and for a long time even and just a moment ago she felt fine with him. What was wrong with her? She felt bewildered as he kissed her passionately and personally. It felt weird and scary. She felt wild with panic. Overwhelmed she pulled away from him looking at him uncomprehending. She had always counted on him to…to what? To be the superficial one and she was intense one. Somehow it was different this time. How could that be? This was all wrong.<p>

"Rach?" She shook her head at him. She didn't know what to do or say right now. Oddly enough, she always knew what to say. What on earth was happening to her?

"Puck…" She trailed off and grabbed her shirt from the floor covering herself up. He looked even more confused and she wiggled her way out from under him. Standing she looked around for something to covering herself up with. She grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around her small body. She didn't know how to handle this and the first emotion that finally sprang to life her in her was anger. "What the hell?"

He sat up also covering himself up. This had taken a sudden serious and much different turn. He was taken back. She was giving him shit? For being the nice guy? When had the world been turned upside down on him? He knew then something was really wrong with her. This was not her.

"What!" He stood up staring her down. She took a timid step back from him. More distance.

"Since when don't you like sex-kittens?" She felt hurt and raw. "What is wrong with that?"

"Nothing!" He yelled. "If you were anyone else but you, Berry." He stepped into her personal space. "You do not do the impersonal hooker version of sex."

"How would you know? You don't know me!" She said with conviction. He huffed.

"But I do know you. And this," he made a gesture to point out all that was wrong with her. "Is not you. Where the fuck is Rachel Berry?"

"I'm right here!" She yelled back and she didn't know who she was convincing; him or herself?

"That's a fucking lie, Rachel. Why are you lying to yourself? Can't you see it? You're not yourself. You suck. You used to rock that crazy neurotic insane," he had to pause for air. "You were so driven. You knew why you were going to New York and now. What have you done? When did you give up? When did you turn into this shell of yourself? You look like a puppy that has been kicked so many times…" he stopped as she bit her lip trying to hold back the tears. "What happened Rachel?" He softened his voice to try to get her to look at him.

"Go away, Noah." She said so quietly but firmly. She couldn't deal with this. How dare he? He didn't know shit about her. He had never bothered to contact her in these years since high school and now he came and thought he knew her? Had the right to call her out on her life. She wasn't gonna stand for it. She kicked him out.

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><p><strong>Now your thoughts please :)<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**Next chapter :) Hope you enjoy!**

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><p>Sid looked at her with an empathic look of concern before choosing her words carefully.<p>

"You kicked him out?" Rachel nodded. Her eyes were all read and swollen. She had been crying all night and couldn't for the life of her figure out why. But the tears had been coming in streams of sorrow and hurt welling up every time she felt she had it under control. There had been something in Noah's words that had struck her hard and on a patch so raw and sore she couldn't stop the big drops of water falling from her eyes. Sitting here with Sid, she felt a tad bit better and at least she knew Sid was there for her. She had been through rough patches before. She just didn't know why this was one? It had been sex and then a fight breaking a thing not yet started. Why was she so sad?

"He said all those things to me." She had told Sid what he had said and right then Sid looked confused. Rachel got the feeling Sid was about to say something she didn't want to hear. She always got this intense look about her when she was about to tell someone the truth despite the pre-knowledge they did not for the life of them want to hear it. But Sid wadded through a dessert to deliver the truth when she felt it needed to be heard. Rachel braced herself for what to come but nothing could have prepared her for the simple three syllable word leaving her friend's mouth.

"You're an idiot." Tears sprang to Rachel's eyes immediately. What the fuck was wrong with her? "You are an i-d-iot." Sid emphasized patiently like Rachel hadn't understood. And actually Rachel didn't understand.

"What? Why?" She said shocked and hurt.

"He was right."

"WHAT?" Rachel exclaimed dramatically.

"Not about the hooker stuff. I dunno about that. But where did Rachel Berry go?" Sid stood up. She had to go soon. "When was the last time you sang one of your songs, eh? When did you last write a song? When was the last time you didn't joke ominously about how much Joey hurt you reminding all of the grave-like state you took on when he left? Did you ever pick up the pieces of your heart after him? Is he still in there," she pointed to Rachel's head. "Haunting you? I don't mean to be cruel but he fucked you up good, sweetie. And you never dealt with it." Rachel stood as well. Anger pressing her tears back.

"How dare you!"

"You're only getting angry 'cos you know I'm right." Sid said calmly. Fueling Rachel's anger even more.

"What about yourself?" Rachel spat. She was going for a low blow and she knew it. Sid's face changed and morphed into one of hurt and sadness.

"It's like the pot calling the kettle black," Sid answered still calm as she clicked her tongue for Krumme to follow and left Rachel standing along in her office angry and hurt. Rachel fell back into the chair. Why were they all out to get her? Had they called each other just to hurt her? It was low of Sid to bring up Joey. Just the mention of his name had heart twitch and skip several beats in a mix of hurt and intense sorrow. She'd never forget Joey but the last person she ever wanted to think about was him. He was gone from her mind and he was going to stay that way. Forever! She had long ago vowed never to let her mind think of him. He was in a concrete cage with no lock. But what about her heart? The question came from nowhere and she looked around to see who had said it. It was herself.

Getting up she almost ran from the building. She didn't really know where to go. It seemed this big city for the first time was vacant and full at the same time. Noisy and still so quiet she felt strangled by the silence and drowned by the noise. She wanted to cry. Nothing else. So she did. Who cares anyway right? No one's really looking at the people around them because they're too busy looking at themselves or think about what other people think when they see them. She walked home tears streaming down her face all the way. Maybe some one did ask her if she was okay but she didn't hear them. Walking in a bubble of grief she couldn't hear anything but the loud cracking of her heart. She thought she had healed but now she knew she hadn't. Sid's words were tormenting her. Joey, joey, joey, joey…his names echoed in her brain but worst it resonated in her heart tearing it apart with every bounce. It was like a kid on a trampoline. Every bounce another piece broke and she cried like she had never before.

When she did finally did make it home she went straight to bed. Peeling her clothes off she just laid down on her bed even though it was only 11 in the morning. She didn't care. All she cared about was her sorrow. It consumed her like a black cloud taking over a bright blue sky. But she hadn't been bright blue, she reminded herself. How long had she been broken? She couldn't even remember any more. High school? College?

She struggled to come up with an answer still refusing to allow any thoughts of Joey to enter but no matter how hard she tried, he still came back. Every memory of why she might be like this now turned to him. There were no other fixations of her short life before Joey came along and ruined her. She had no other choice but to travel down memory lane of her almost three years of torment with the man she though had been her one and only, soul mate and life partner.

For the first time in a long time she let her mind wander over the painful memories of Joey. At first she only remembered the end. The horrible end. She closed her eyes willing the bad memories away but she had opened a portal to hell and it all came rushing out; every demon of hers that was Joey. She felt her throat constrict with panic and she took short ragged breath not letting enough air into her lunges. She felt like thrashing around to make it stop. The emotional pain almost overclouding her and threatening to take over her body and blacken her soul forever. She cried and screamed with her internal struggles but in the end her strong mind won; she was stronger than this! She had survived once, she could do it again. Finding her last inner strength, she let her mind wander. At no point in time did she stop crying and more than once she had to will herself to breathe but she did it.

Standing on the steps of NYU library she looked around for Sid. She had promised to come. Maybe she was too busy yet again with Brain the guy she met a few weeks back and she had lately proclaimed she was going to have children with. Rachel sighed and looked at her cell; no texts or calls and it was now 15.15. Rachel had to go. She had a late class. She walked to her class comfortably. She wasn't too mad at Sid. She felt more happy for her friend than anything wishing she'd meet someone soon as well. She sat in the front, keen to not miss a thing. As the professor walked down a guy was with him and when the professor faced the class the guy slipped into the seat next to Rachel. He smiled at her and she wasn't sure if he was there with the professor or he was new and had merely been late.

She turned her attention to the professor and started taking notes and raising her hand as often as she could to answer a question or just inject her own ideas and thoughts. She knew her professor found her annoying just from the way he rolled his eyes when she raised her hand. She didn't care.

"What book are we reading here?" The guy next to her asked quietly. She looked oddly at him. Talking in the front row? Silly. He should be soaking up every word the professor said as well as her words of wisdom. She gave him the once over; he was tall she noted but he wore old jeans with a hole in the knee and she was sure that was from being worn, not a designer's idea of fashion. He wore an equally worn t-shirt that read UCLA on it. Perhaps a parent's laid off garment? She mused with distain. But when she reached his eyes she all of the sudden didn't care too much about his worn out clothes; they were bright blue almost shining at her. Drawing her in with charisma. He had a sexy lips as well, she noted. My God, they had to be magic to kiss. Full bottom lip and a smaller upper and they looked so soft. For a moment she forgot what he had asked her absorbed in her fantasy of what he could do to her with those lips. Then coming to she raised the book they were reading for him to see. She didn't wanna talk in class no matter how sexy this guy was. He nodded thanks and the rest of the class he ignored her taking notes and she tried not to look at him all the time. He had dark unruly hair that just finished the look of sexy, dishelved rock star wannabe.

As the professor ended the class, they both stood and she felt she had to say something. Extending a hand to him she smiled.

"I'm Rachel." He smiled back at her beaming smile.

"I'm Joey." And that was it. They sat in class next to each other and slowly they started talking. He had moved to NYU from UCLA because he wanted the more sophisticated air of New York. Later she would learn the real story. He asked her for coffee and she went with him. They talked all the time about everything and nothing. She told him about her dreams and he told her he wanted to be a photographer. Rachel had after that introduced him to Sid. Sid made Joey her assistant and Joey made Rachel his girlfriend. They were happy like in the movies. They would make love everywhere and then talk all night about their dreams, hopes of the future. Rachel was lost in Joey and she felt so alive with him, all she talked about was him and how cool he was. He encouraged her to sing and write and she did like never before.

Filling sheet after sheet with songs of love, hope and her newfound understanding of how deep and whole the world was. She was in a constant state of elation. She was going to make it and with Joey by her side nothing would ever get to her again. Gone was high school's teasing and bullying. She could feel her upcoming fame just in front of her. All she had to do was get that ONE song that was perfect but it eluted her. Every time she almost had it, Joey walked in; kissed her senseless and she'd forget the song. She should have known that was the first warning sign.

For him she would bend over backwards. He had pulled her into his world of just them. He had to accept Sid because she was his boss as well as Rachel's friend and Sid was the only thing standing between him and making it so he had to allow her in Rachel's life but all her other friends seemed to disappear. When she called them they were always busy. She didn't care at first thinking she'd spend time with Joey instead. Sid was at the same time busy with Brian so they did a lot of double dating. Brian and Joey got along really well and the girls grew closer conspiring about weddings and children when they boys were out.

The bubble burst when Sid and Brian broke up. It was almost a bloody break up. Brian cheated on Sid with her friend, Amelia, and when Sid found out he told her he'd been fucking Amelia for the whole duration of their relationship. In fact Sid was the other woman just too stupid to know. Amelia was so angry with Sid they ended up in a fight. It was a mess. Sid was hurt, sad and angry. Sid sent Amelia to the hospital with a broken arm and the only reason Sid didn't get hauled to jail was that more than one witness cooperated Sid's story; Amelia had started the whole thing slapping Sid.

Rachel said then she was going to stay with Sid for a few days to make sure she didn't do anything stupid. Joey had looked at her for a while but then nodded; there had been something in his eyes that Rachel couldn't quite put a finger on.

Rachel was allowed to stay exactly one day. Sid went from rants, to screaming angrily at the sky cursing God and the like up there, to sobbing on the floor refusing to eat or drink anything. Her friend was in a right state and Rachel didn't want to leave her but when Joey called claiming he needed her there now; he had an accident, she had to go to him. He had cut his hand by accident when cutting some lettuce almost ridding him of a finger. She took him to the hospital and worried about him and Sid while the doctors stitched him up. She was on the phone with Sid who sullenly refused to say much claiming she was better now. Rachel knew she was lying. But Joey needed her and with his sad bright eyes, she promised to see Sid the next morning and she took Joey home.

Sid eventually picked herself up and threw herself into her work which meant a lot of travels for both Sid and Joey. Rachel didn't mind. That meant she could work in peace and on Joey's first out of town job she wrote the perfect song. She wrote it about Sid. How it was to see her best friend hurting. She struggled with the melody however and she worked relentless for days forgetting to call or respond to texts – even from Joey.

The result was Joey all of the sudden stood in their living room looking angry and worried as she was sitting on the floor with a small piano in front of her and sheets of music all around her scattered messily in heaps of discarded attempts to get it just right; lyrics and melody. She jumped up and threw herself at him.

"Baby, you're home early." He didn't return the hug or her enthusiasm. Letting go she asked him with her eyes what was wrong. He stared her down.

"Why didn't you answer your phone?" She looked bewildered and then around her to locate the device. Where was it?

"I was just writing this song," she said and a huge smile spread on her face. "I wrote the prefect song."

"You look like shit." Was his response and then she knew something was brewing.

"What's wrong? Just say it." She wasn't in the mood to bullshit and if he was angry he could just come out with it.

"You didn't pick up your phone." He said as if it explained it all. But she didn't get it at all. So? He'd done that countless times and when she complained he'd told her to just let him have his life, aight! He needed his space as a man. So she really didn't get it.

"No, I was working," she tried again. Maybe he'd get it this time. But no.

"So you can't write your silly songs and pick up once in two days?" She was sure she did pick up the day before so why all this drama? Her head was still humming the melody and it was almost there. Almost. He exploded seeing the off look on her face. He knew she was still writing the song in her head. She wasn't taking him serious. "I was worried!" He bellowed through the rooms of their flat. She was taken back with the sheer force he used to yell. It was like a roar of a bear. Gone was the melody in her head fleeting as fear and uncertainty came running onto the stage instead. She'd never seen him to angry. He yelled and yelled and yelled at her; first just angry she didn't pick up, then he accused her of not taking them serious. Was she even in this relationship? Or was she off to broad street the second a role came? Then what had she really done in the last two days? He went on and on, changing direction all the time. She was so confused. He expertly twisted her words and in the end she broke down crying. She stuck to her guns; she had been working but she could take no more. He left here there going back to work with Sid refusing to take her calls, ignoring her groveling texts of sadness and he didn't listen to her voice mails of apology and reassurance that she wanted this relationship, she loved him and would he pleeeeaseeee just call her back.

He forgave her after a week but she was sure he wouldn't forget and she did after that always pick up or call back as soon as she could. No phone forgotten any more.

Her song was gone. She lost it. She had the sheets still but the song was gone from her. She had taken it out a few times in the weeks after but it felt dead and cold to her. So she put in a drawer with stuff thinking one day maybe. Over the two years after that day Rachel was with Joey the drawer filled up with cold songs. Every time she wrote the perfect song they'd have a fight. She would get caught up in her work and he'd accuse her of something or the other. An affair, spending their money, going to auditions she wasn't supposed to and insane things she would never do. In the end she stopped writing feeling bad just seeing an empty music sheet.

While Joey didn't want her to write, he himself was touring the world with Sid. She let him take more and more pictures and in the end she let him take jobs on his own. She was letting him go. It was the worst thing that could happen to Rachel and Joey. Joey set up his own company and he had lots of jobs. He was working all the time. He often took Rachel with him after she graduated. He didn't mind she didn't have a job and spent her time rehearsing for auditions; singing, dancing and acting. He paid for it all saying he felt guilty he couldn't be there. They moved into a bigger flat closer to the city and she was happy. But the fights got worse. He was stressed and she tried to tell him. He refused but after 4 months of being independent he gave in confessing he needed help. She told he needed an assistant more but he didn't want one. He wanted her. She thought about for a week before she said yes. Looking back she wished she hadn't. There were so many things she wished she hadn't done but that was the one she regretted the most.

Working for Joey was the worst thing ever. He was a ball of fury with his staff. At first he was nice to her but then his other staff would complain he said, saying he treated her different. She had reluctantly agreed that it was fair and she went from girlfriend doing her boyfriend a favor to staff when they were on shoots. He would belittle her in front of others, he would comment on her person as well as body, telling her she needed to look her best. She tried every day. Compared to the models she was fat, he said. She needed to lose weight. She didn't need to try. Just being on the job did it for her. She was nervous all the time when around him burning off more carbes than a thoughbreed in a race.

At home with him or when they were alone together he would try to make up for his cruel comments soothing her ego with love but it never did work for her. She started to feel like she was swimming upstream. She wanted her relationship. She wanted the Joey she'd fallen in love back but she was scared to tell him. She knew it would anger him greatly. But when Sid scored her a job at a small theater she knew she had to and she had to go back to New York and more importantly; go back to being his girlfriend.

Like predicted he was angry with her. She'd be so far away. She'd gone behind his back. She didn't want to be with him. The list was endless with accusations but she didn't give in sticking to her guns; she was so into this relationship she was going home and back to being his girlfriend and there was nothing he could say or to persuade her otherwise. He accused Sid of meddling and he yelled and ranted for days but she still didn't give in.

He had sullenly accepted her decision and next time he left, he left without her. She felt free and like a small battle had been won. Little did she realize it was merely the beginning and as she took on her new job with enthusiasm and happiness, Joey was brewing up plans of his own. He would call her at all times to check on her. Jealous and not wanting to share her as she settled into the theater and starting to get friends again. He couldn't take it.

It all came to an end after almost three years of rocking the boat hazardly from side to side. They'd almost been overboard so many times they didn't recognize it any more. She was used to defending her every move, every call she made, what she used her computer for, who she saw, when she saw them, for how long and why she saw them. He allowed her no freedom and she was going insane trying to please but still she tried her best. Never used to backing down, she didn't back down with Joey either loving him despite all the reasons not to. He was a good man; he was gentle with her when he was home, he took care of her. And he loved her despite all her reasons not to be loved, he said reminding her of Finn Hudson's proclaims of love to her. It had to be right when he felt that way about her.

She had grown friends with a guy at the theater, Justin. He was sweet and charming but he accepted that she was in a committed relationship most of the time. He didn't play down or pretend he didn't want her and he thought Joey seemed a right plonker but he did respect Rachel's wishes and her adamant statements of love for Joey.

Joey had flown home one day to surprise her, he said, and had come to the theater to pick her up and he saw her hugging Justin who at that moment chose to jokingly grab her ass. He had done that before teasing her calling her a prude when she'd pull from him with a small shriek of injustice telling him "I am in a committed relationship, Justin." He'd mimic her by now mocking her resolve. She was just scared this would somehow get back to Joey.

Joey made a scene screaming at both Rachel and Justin and Rachel lost her job. He was angry with her for weeks after that. She'd beg his forgiveness like so many times before and she gave him all he wanted; in bed and outside it. She didn't care at that time what it was if only he'd forgave her. She was so depended on him in her life that she didn't see her person crumble to accommodate him. She wasn't Rachel Berry any more. She was Joey's Rachel.

It all ended when he proclaimed he was moving to Spain. It turned out that what he had really left in LA was a wife and a child and now they'd found him. From one day to the other he was gone and Rachel was left with nothing but the few items in the flat he left behind who she could put claim to.

The dreams, hopes and love were gone from one moment to the other. He had texted her he was leaving. The wife did the rest of the explaining. Rachel was lost. What do you do when you've given up all that you are for another person and then they leave you?

Rachel had become someone else. A lesser version of herself.

Lying in bed that day she for the first time remembered it all. Every detail and she cried her heart out. When she thought there were no tears left in her, more came in rushed gulps of water. It was almost a year ago Joey had left. She had never heard from him again. The wife had taken all the furniture except the ones that were Rachel's. Her Dads had helped her settle into the small flat she had now and Sid had pulled every string she had to pull to get Rachel a job. And Rachel hadn't wasted her time or Sid's efforts this time. She had kept what she had. Holding on to it like a child to his last and only toy.

But now it all came flooding and all Rachel could do was let it. There was nothing she could do to stop it and a part of her didn't want to. The day turned into night. Rachel fell asleep and dreamt of Joey waking up and crying. She cried for while then fell back to sleep and woke again with a dream of Joey.

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><p><strong>And now it's your time to write ;)<strong>


	10. Chapter 10 Process of Healing

**Thanks again for the reviwes :) I can't believe I almost gave up on this story. It's awesome to write. Hope you enjoy this a bit longer chapter :)**

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><p><strong>The Process of Healing<strong>

After a day in bed, Rachel felt no better. She felt drained and so tired she considered sleeping for days but sleep didn't come as her mind was dissecting her and Joey's relationship. She was going over it all, turning it in her head and mainly finding the signs of her own idiocy. Why had she not left him? It was a mystery to her. She had not put up with bullshit after Finn and his bullshit had been limited to teenage antics of finding out who you were.

With every memory it made less and less sense. Had she lost her mind? When did she stop believing in herself enough to get the fuck out when tings sucked? Could love really be this powerful? This destructive to one person? Joey had changed as well, she knew. He had seemed so carefree when they met and at the end he had been paranoid and controlling. The free and vibrant feelings between them of love and trust had been gone but Rachel couldn't for the life of her figure out what she had done to earn this kind of mistrust and at times distain. What on earth had she done to deserve that kind of treatment?

Hot tears spilled down her cheeks as the thought occurred to her that maybe this was the only kind of love she could have. Maybe that was it with someone like her; high strung and dramatic. She'd be doomed to either be alone or love would be difficult, hard and cruel?

She curled into a ball on her bed, determined never to get up again. She'd lie here and then she'd be skinny enough any way.

A knock on the door had her sit up. She didn't want to open but sat up to listen anyway. It felt better to consciously ignore whoever it was on the other side of the door.

"Rachel, I know you're in there," Sid's voice rung out in the empty hall. Rachel didn't move or answer her. Sid had a key anyway. After a few minutes of intense silence, the lock clicked and Sid stepping into Rachel's small hall. "Rach?" She walked straight to the bedroom and a soft empathic smiled spread as she saw Rachel sitting up in the bed looking at her, tears down her face and her eyes so swollen and red, Sid was sure it'd take days to pass or a hell of a lot cucumber. Instead of lecturing Rachel on anything despite that that had been her reason to come over, she sat down and hugged her friend. She seemed so small and frail in her arms. Sid wanted her safe and well again. She clearly remembered Rachel before Joey.

Rachel felt relief wash over her. Sid was here like so many other times, Sid would always come to her, find her and drag her out from under her rock of sorrow, join in her happiness, share her frustrations of just listen to sad music through a funk.

They sat like that for while, Rachel taking all the comfort she could from her friend. At the time she was sure Sid was the only true friend she'd ever have and had ever had.

"I think you need a shower, hun." Sid finally broke the silence with an amused chuckle. "I'll make you something to eat."

Standing under the faucet, Rachel felt a bit better. Cleaning off her tears and the greasy feeling of lying in bed for a whole day, she felt more herself. However standing there she realized that feeling like herself was far off still. More tears spilled mixing with the hot water. She felt so lost. She felt see-through, pale and like an alien. What was she going to go now? The blistering rot of a boil was now open and the entire puss was running out freely. There was no way to patch it up now. She had to jump out of the shower at the images flashing before her inner eye at the picture she was drawing for herself, and throw up. Emptying the last bits that was left in her stomach she sank to the floor. Lost, lost, lost! The word were playing over and over in her head relentless taunting her and horrifying her at the same time.

She had never in her life been lost. She had her dreams: Broadway! But now? Would she stand even the slightest chance?

Like on cue, the beginning tones of a song Rachel knew very well, found its way to her ears from the living room or kitchen. "Don't stop believing" was blasting out and as the song began a voice joined in to layer above Journey's. Rachel had never heard Sid sing and for good reason she figured just then. She got up, determined to stop Sid molesting the song that held a closet full of memories to Rachel. She forgot to dress or even wrap a towel around her, angered by Sid's false singing. What if the neighbors thought it was Rachel that sang like that?

"What is that!" Rachel yelled over the music making Sid turn to her with a smile so big it lit the whole room and Rachel got a rare glimpse of what had made her famous, till Sid saw Rachel and her lack of clothing and her face turned to shock.

"Erm..you're yelling at me?" Sid pointed to Rachel frantically as she screwed up her whole face to try not to look but still not face away.

"You were molesting that song!" Sid's face split into a wide grin.

"I knew you were still in here!"

Over the next two weeks, Rachel started to pick herself off the flow. She never realized she was on the floor thinking she was okay. Not perfect, but okay. As it turned out, she had forgotten what not being on the floor was like. She had forgotten her happy self. But now she had seen it and she was going to change. She was coming back with full force. She was going to take them all by storm. Well, when she had gotten her neurosis under control and when Joey was faded out and so pale that Rachel would shine through.

She started with singing her heart out. Walking around her apartment remembering her voice and also being reminded that her lack of training like she used to, her voice was rusty and she found the more complicated passages in the songs she once found easy before, hard now. But she didn't care. Singing again just for the fun of it made her smile and she had always loved a challenge. A real smile that lasted. She sang and hummed with her iPod glued to her ears for the duration of a week. She sang songs from Glee, remembering with fondness the camaraderie of her peers, the fun they had, songs they sang in anger, frustration, their love for each other, to help and support one another and her favorite; the song Finn had written about them. She didn't hold on to the feelings for Finn but the gesture she still found endearing and the song was great.

Sid gave her the breakup albums of her life, as she so adequately put it: Avril Lavigne's "Under My Skin" and One Republic's "Dreaming Out Loud." She listened to the two albums over and over between her Glee. She screamed and raved over "Happy Ending" and "Take Me Away." And she cried even more tears to "Say (All I need)" and for some reason "Come Home" spoke to her as well. She wanted her old self to check back in right now. She hated feeling like this; weak and teary all the time. But after all Sid was right about the albums they were great break up albums.

She started to unpack all the boxes of her "singing stuff" and "silly songs" as Joey had called them. She had just packed them up as she had to flee the flat she and Joey had together. And when moving into her own apartment she had just chucked them in the back of her closet to sit there with a lot of the other stuff that reminded her of Joey.

As it turned out all her near perfect songs were just that; near perfection. Her song about Sid was amazing now that she revisited it. She called Sid up and told her to come over immediately. Sid did as told and when Rachel sat her down to play and sing her now finished version of the song about her, Sid cried and hugged Rachel so hard Rachel didn't really know what to say or do with her normally chilled and cool friend. As Sid let go of her and stopped squeezing the air out of the small Rachel, she looked up at her. "I love it. It's beautiful."

Rachel beamed after that and after they had celebrated with wine and dinner, Rachel sat up all night writing the rest of the song. She changed a few things here and there wanting perfection both because she had always been a keen perfectionist but if the song could make Sid cry she wanted her to love it even more. She decided the title she had originally chosen for the song was the most fitting as well: "Standing on the Bridge of Sorrow."

Before going to bed at 6 in the morning Rachel made a recording for Sid and sent it to her. Rachel slept like she hadn't slept in years. She was utterly spent from working on her song but it was a good spent. She was tired from working on something she enjoyed and she had again found the joy in writing as her first listener had welled up with tears from her rough cut and gone was the fights with Joey about singing and writing. She was going back to loving her music and most importantly; she was going over that bridge of sorrow herself. Crossing it all the way to the land on the other side taking only the best things with her and leaving the bad stuff behind. Not forgotten but they weren't going to weigh her down like they had before. She felt free as she fell asleep.

The next weeks flew by as Rachel consumed herself with writing and hanging out with Sid. She worked as well but she cancelled all the appointments she didn't have to go to. She only did ballet once a week just to keep it up, she hardly called anyone and mostly she stayed indoors sitting on her floor humming and singing. Sid bought her piano to play at in the exchange of Rachel giving up perfecting and obsession over "The Bridge" as the song was now called for shortness. Rachel had grown to love that song like no other. She was humming it all the time, she was constantly correcting a line, then change it back, to change it again, then rearrange the verses, change the last note at the end of line and it went on and on and the more she changed, she always changed it back. She just loved working on the song. She loved singing it at the top of her voice at whenever time of day and any place. She had never felt like this when she sang a song. Every time she sang it, it healed her more and more. The lyrics were her journey. It had started like Sid's but it morphed into her own. She sang her pain, she hummed her humiliation and wrote her fears in one song that represented the beginning of a long road. A road she was halfway down already she realized. To her surprise she wasn't at the beginning of it any more. She had made progress.

Rachel worked on other songs as well but often she and Sid would sit and talk. They opened up to each and talked and talked. Rachel put so many words to all the things she'd never expressed that at times she felt all talked out. She told Sid how at times she had felt like giving up and not being was the only way out. It made her cry for a long time but tears seemed to roll down her cheeks all the time in this period that it didn't matter and getting that one thought out as well as the feeling of embarrassment, guilt and like even thinking about it made her coward made her realize that it might have been hell but she was out now. It had in fact ended and she was free from Joey and the emotional imprisonment that their relationship had been. There were so many other things they talked about but owning up to he own thoughts of ridding herself of this world, was a breakthrough she was high from for days. She wrote a song about it as well. She didn't feel good using the wording of suicide, it just seemed too strong as she had never thought the thought through and actually never in her mind called it that but that didn't change how she felt and the shame had burnt her. The idea that she was willing to give up over a guy was the most frightening feeling she had ever had to face. Someone could walk into your life and change every belief you had, turn your whole world upside down in the matter of months. It happened she knew, she saw movies, read the paper, girly magazines as much as the next girl but she had never in her life thought she'd be a victim as well.

No wonder she didn't believe in love. She had been feeding her bodily craving completely overlooking her heart. She had separated the two and ignored the one. Without her heart was merely a shadow of herself. But one thing was to realize that that's what she had done another and much for difficult thing was to change it. To change how she had learnt to act and more so how she had learnt to mistrust people around her. She had only few friends left and Sid was the only she was close to. She had used to having a lot of friends that she'd go out with all the time, watch movies and have dinner with. Chat, talk and laugh. She hadn't done that in a long time and after weeks cooped up in her apartment she called up Brittany and arranged to go out. Sid came along and Brittany brought a few friends and Artie, too.

She didn't dress up too much just a skirt and a top. She almost cancelled without knowing why. It was as if her inner turmoil was filling up her head and thoughts so much that she could barely endure having to pretend to be okay even for a night. Sid of course came over and dragger her out of her hibernation. "End of an era. Now get moving." So Rachel did and when Brittany gave her hug asking her if she fell of the face of the earth, she felt better. Artie looked happy to see her and soon they were talking about Glee as they sat down for dinner. It all seemed to work out fine till the last person she wanted to talk about was brought up.

"Did you hear Puck is in town shooting?" Her heart gave a silly little hop and she looked down into her vegan lasagna.

"Yeah, I heard." She caught Sid's eye and tried to convey the message that talking about what had happened between her and Puck that night was not a viable option for piping in. "Seems he's doing really well now."

"Yeah, he's done like 3 movies now!" Brittany went on and Rachel could nod and smile through it. Brittany and Artie had met up with Puck but it seemed Puck had failed to mention meeting her and a part of her was relieve and part of her was disappointed. Meeting up with hadn't been more than a bleep on his radar and soon forgotten. She zoned out and let Brittany's voice blended in with the background as she let herself fall into a too familiar pit of mistrust and assuming she hadn't meant anything to him until Sid kicked her under the table and she joined the conversation as they were deciding on where to go as they were done eating.

"I wanna go to Bar-It," Brittany said with enthusiasm of a child. She was still a bit slow on the uptake at times. "And Kurt and Blaine said they'd meet us there." Another set of friends she hadn't seen in a long time. At the first semester of college she had lived with the two gays before they had moved in with each other for real to try being a couple without her. Rachel hadn't minded at all a little tired of them being cute and she had no one. After that they seen less of each other and when Joey entered the scene they were the first to be lost occupied with their own.

They left the restaurant and made it to the mid-town bar with the inventive name of Bar-It. Kurt and Blaine were waiting for them inside already sipping each a cosmo and looking around the room. As they entered Rachel read a dreading sigh "Open Mic night – Wanna be a star?" She couldn't believe this. Sid gave her nudge.

"It's a sign." Rachel felt conflicted. Getting up there would mean she was done with her song. Showing it to the world – albeit the somewhat small cut of the world – would get it out there. She'd expose herself completely and there'd be no turning back to hide. She would be in the progress of making it as well as getting herself back. Could she really do both? It seemed getting lost in another process would be unwise and she could lose what she'd hadn't yet found. She could always come back some other time…later when she was more ready. She was just out tonight to have fun.

Kurt and Blaine greeted them and gave them an encore of the talents so far with comments and grading them. So far there had no one they expected to be played on the radio any time soon. Rachel eyed the stage. She could go up there – just like that. She had been on stages most of her life. A stage was like her bed. She knew how to use it to the full extend, fill it up and make sure the focus was no where outside of it. She quickly found the guy in charge of the list spotting him at the side of the stage checking people in and crossing them out. She looked around the room to spot if there were any scouts. There were no guy in a tight suit sitting looking bored nursing a coke on the rocks with a notepad in front of him. Or a woman for that matter. No point performing then. It was set in her mind. She didn't need to. No one would see her anyway. There was no need to get it all out there then. She drew a breath of relief. She could just enjoy her night out.

She refocused back to her friend as Kurt dropped the bomb.

"I got my first lead!" He exclaimed and his face lit up like a Christmas tree. Kurt had had smaller parts here and there fighting to get a whole foot inside the Broadway door and now it had seemed he had succeeded. She felt a pang of jealousy but smiled for him. He did deserve it of course. He had worked hard. And what had she done? She had an ex. Wow! Fucking wow. She joined in the celebratory round of champagne before she excused herself to the bathroom.

Looking in the mirror in the small room, she took a long look at herself. Rachel Berry, 25, citizen of New York City, no education she was putting to good use, more a broken dream than a person and at a loss on how to keep a man. She wanted to go home. She didn't want to see more of her friend's happiness. She couldn't pretend any more. This had been a mistake. She should have stayed at home. She wanted to go home and cry. She was pathetic!

Sid's arms wrapped around her like the protective shield she had been missing for too long.

"Hey, you know what?" Rachel shifted her gaze to Sid's bright green eye shaking her head. "I think Kurt made it because he would have owned that stage. Like you used to."

"But I can't…" Sid furrowed her prefect brow disbelief showing all over her pale face.

"That's a load of crap and you know it." Rachel unwrapped herself from Sid's embrace.

"Why do you have to push so hard! I'm not ready!" She hissed angrily. Sid crossed her arms with an almost mocking look in her eyes.

"No? Or are you not ready to have written a song that is so good you have to keep going once you start? A song that will no doubt get you a record deal. A song that means that you cannot fucking hide any more, Rachel? Joey is out of your life. He left a long time ago. Checked out like a coward but you're still standing there waiting for him to come back, aren't you? And singing that song up there to your friends and whoever else it out there means you have to move on. You have to let go. Writing it isn't enough for you, singing it outside your tiny little cave will make it true to you, won't it?" Rachel felt hot tears sting her eyes. How could Sid know all this? Things Rachel didn't even know herself really. She took a shaky breath.

"Fuck you, Sid. I'm going home."

She left Sid standing as she rushed out of the rest room. She wiped her tears even more angry at herself for letting them fall. It was silly. Sid was right but she didn't want to tell her or admit it. She had been waiting for him to come back. She had wanted him to come back even after 3 years of the horror show that was their life together. She still loved him and still wanted him back. She felt like a wave of water was running over her dragging her down to the bottom of the ocean that she had just fought free off. She had barely caught her breath before she was being pulled back down. It wasn't fair! Why couldn't she move on?

She didn't say goodbye to her friends, she just ran from the bar. She hailed a cab and held back her tears as she rode it home. The driver tried to chat with her but she didn't answer him and he soon gave up.

She had run. She had physically run from her friends and Sid but mentally she had run from the truth. She couldn't bear that Sid was right about her. Why was she waiting for him still? She didn't really want him back, did she? How could she? He had been manipulative, hard on her, put her down, had made her give up all the things she loved and in the end he had made her give up him as well. But the latter seemed she found hard. He had ripped himself from her. Like a band-aid ripped from a scab not even slightly healed. He made her bleed all over.

As she got home she put on her number one album to rage out and cry to; Kelly Clarkson's "All I ever wanted." She cried and sang the title song over and over. She wanted so much to get over him and she sang with all her might not caring that she had neighbors that might want to sleep. She was singing her one wish over and over and over again till she calmed, convinced she did want to get over him. Clinging to the empty dreams of him one day walking back was nothing more than clouds passing over a city waving as it went and a few hours later it would dissolve and not be there anymore. Those dreams should just sail away in the wind and her last ties to Joey would sail along with it.

She finally managed to go to bed after that. She slept dreamless from exhaustion.

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><p><strong>I promise I will move this story forward next chapter. And Puck will come back as well! Promise :)<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**Sooo here it is. Puck's back :D Enjoy!**

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><p>Rahcel didn't talk to Sid for the rest of the weekend after her storm out but instead barricading herself in the apartment writing again. She was writing a similar song to her mantra song. She wanted to get over Joey. She had started the morning after her night out. Finding all the boxes with Joey's stuff she still had, she had cleaned it all out. After that she deleted every single one of the pictures and videos she had of him, him and her and even ones with just her he'd filmed of her. She deleted all the pictures he'd taken of her and then deleted every email from him, every written letter between them and at last she deleted every single text they'd ever sent each other. It took her the better part of the weekend but at the end he was gone. She had mucked out a ghost staying way past its welcome.<p>

She went to bed on Sunday after talking to her dads and she felt at ease again. They were coming to New York in a few weeks for a long weekend and they wanted to see her. They wanted to spoil their daughter.

Monday morning she called Sid and apologized. Sid forgave her immediately and they met up for lunch later that day. They went back to things like before with long talks and Rachel writing. But at the back of Rachel's mind the open mic night was teasing her. And only a week after running from it, Rachel set a new goal. She was going to sing there the next time they had an open mic night. She didn't tell Sid or any other friend. But she had to go, she knew she had to. If Joey was to be really gone she had to own her song in public. She had to stop hiding being human and stop feeling so ashamed that Joey had happened to her even more she had to own up the fact she had let it happen. She wasn't a victim; she had willingly done it all and he had taken advantage of it but she had let it happen as well. She had to face up to that. She had made a mistake with Joey like millions of other girls before. She would not speak a new language to the masses; she'd be speaking on behalf of all other girls slighted in love and men as well. She would stand up and sing about it! She was going to win over this set back in her life. Joey was not going to win. She was determined like she had never been before. She was going back on that stage and she would blow them all away. Remind them who Rachel Berry was once and for all.

She had to wait a few weeks before they had another night, though. She took the time to practice playing the piano and writing more songs as well as get in contact with more and more friends. She called Justin from the theater and they met up. He had a girlfriend now but she didn't care. She wasn't looking to hook up, she was making friends and even more importantly; contacts. She reopened her Facebook, Twitter and Myspace and started using them as well. She knew a lot of people, she realized. She had contacts.

She had in the time after her break down, as she started to call it (It sounded loke what it was. She had cracked and finally accessed all that she had bottled up), written her weekly column not about her romantic conquests or down played the bad dates and made them comic, but instead she had written about what she felt and her editor had for the first time written her back impressed. He had never before thought she had the emotional depth to write anything more than her weekly column but now she was opening up like rose revealing that she did have an insight into being a human. "Keep it up!" Had been the encouraging end of the email and Rachel had smiled proudly. Maybe Joey leaving her had left her a better person? Maybe she had finally tapped into that which had been a weak point of hers; she now understood hitting bottom and the wide array of feelings she never did quite grasp as a teen and a child of two loving gay dads giving her all she needed. She understood now what struggling meant. She had always been ahead and the best but now her friends were all doing better than her. They were living out their dreams while she was an emotional wreck. But no more! She'd show them all and a more personal goal of hers; she'd show Joey she was better off without him. He could rot in Spain for all she cared.

At the night of open mic night, she counted that it had been 8 weeks exactly since she kicked out poor Noah. Two months had passed her by. It had happened so fast, she thought looking back. She felt better, healthier and stronger. She knew the wounds of her past would heal slowly and in their own time. Some faster than others, some already closed up and some still open but it didn't matter. She was getting there. She felt happier than she'd felt in a long time and she smiled at herself in the mirror again. She could look at herself and accept what she saw; a girl that had been down, tried to fail miserably and now going up. A rising star.

But sitting on the top of her toilet that night, she realized another thing; she hadn't had her period in the 8 weeks either. She was freaking out as she remembered this fact. She hadn't taken her pills either. When they fuck had that slipped? Had it slipped before Noah? After? Why couldn't she remember this? She looked in the small cabinet and the pills lay there left on the shelf. She checked the date and with terror she realized that she hadn't taken her pills for over four months.

She called up Sid as always asking her to buy a pregnancy test on her way over but hanging up before Sid could start to ask questions, start barraging her for being a fool or whatever the blond would come up with. She couldn't go down and do it herself. She was nailed to the cold toilet seat till Sid came finally carrying the trade mark brown bag over the threshold like a secret weapon of mass distruction.

"Are you sure? I mean you've been up and down, eating a load then nothing for days. It might just be…" She trailed off as she saw Rachel's face. "Okay, take the test."

"I don't have to go," Rachel squeaked making Sid give her an odd look.

"That's the least of your problems, Rach. Go drink some water." Rachel downed a liter of water and then they sat in silence flipping through the channels as they waited till Rachel had to pee. They looked at each other every now and then and then looked away. No one wanted to start that conversation. Rachel felt like peeing a lot sooner than she got up to do it. She was scared. She could be carrying his child. What should she do then? She could give it away for adoption. She didn't want to be another Quinn in his life besides no way was she going to endure the scars of a pregnancy only to give the child up. Her own mother had done that. She couldn't do that to her child. Their child. Or herself for that matter. She couldn't very well keep it, could she? She wasn't scared she'd be a bad mother. She'd love her child, she knew that but was she ready to be a mother? She was barely able to make viable choice for herself. She stayed with a man that made her unhappy for 3 years. What if she made that same mistake again? It wouldn't just be her then that'd be a victim of her bad choices; they're be a child as well. She shook her head driving herself mad with all the questions and possibilities. She had to know first if she had to worry.

She got up and gave Sid an unsure but resolute look. She was going to do it. Peeing on a stick proved to be more difficult task than first expected. It was rather hard to pee both straight and on a stick. She sat in the bathroom all the time she waited. She didn't feel it was death sentence she was waiting for. She didn't know how to feel at all. There were no feelings to describe what she felt because she didn't feel anything at all sitting there. She wasn't numb or not caring but what was the point before she knew?

15 minutes after peeing on the stick she came back into the living room with the stick in her hand. Sid got up and looked at her with an anxious look of question in her eyes. Rachel stopped in the middle of the room. She didn't know how to form the sentence. How could she?

"What did it say?" Sid finally broke the eerie silence between them. Rachel opened her mouth several times to answer but the words didn't come out. She was literally speechless. Sid lost her patience and walked over to look at the stick and seeing the answer she covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh my God." Rachel finally looked away from the test. Her eyes had been glued to it the whole time.

"I'm going to be a mother." As the words left her mouth Rachel knew she'd made up her mind. She was keeping the baby come hell or high water. There was no way she could get an abortion and she'd never give her child to someone she didn't know. She was going to be a mother. A mother! The word had a fuzzy and warm feeling to it and she took to it like a duck to water. Sid looked gob smacked just starring at her with wide eyes and an open mouth. Rachel smiled and putting a finger under her cheek she closed Sid's mouth.

"Close it, hun, a freight train can pass through the way you let it hang." Sid closed her mouth and blinked completely confused.

"You want to keep the baby?" She then finally formed the word but they were rid of horror or the mistrust Rachel had half expected instead Sid's voice was soft and taken back with something Rachel couldn't quite place. Awe? She nodded.

"I have to." Sid looked at her urging her to go on and explain herself. "I can't do what my own mother did to me. I can't give it up," she placed a protective hand over her flat belly. If she prodded she imagined she could feel a hardening under her palm. "She gave me up and came back into my life only to leave and adopt Noah and Quinn's baby. I can't do something like that to my baby. Never." Sid nodded understandingly. "And I can't go to clinic and get rid of it like it was garbage. This is human being. This is a mini me and Noah."

"What about that guy you slept with before Noah?" Leave it to Sid to spoil the fun with reality. Rachel had forgotten him. Jim. She screwed up her face in disgust and Sid gave a soft chuckling huff of amusement. "Couldn't he also be a possible dad?"

"God, I'm a slut," Rachel whined. If that Jim was the father she'd have to face up to it with a guy she had no intensions of ever seeing again. God. Ew. "But Noah and I had unprotected sex," she injected. She really didn't want it to be Jim. Sid's took on the most incredulously look Rachel had ever seen.

"You what?" Rachel nodded, not proud. That morning in the shower they had forgotten protection. She was ashamed to remember herself writhing in his arms begging with want. She had said she was on the pull but finding out today she wasn't made this look worse than it was.

"We had sex without protection," she repeated looking down with mortified. "And I just found out I haven't been on the pill for three months." Sid hiccupped with shock at that.

"Holy mother of…." Sid stopped looking at Rachel for a little while. "You little.." Sid started to laugh and then she hugged Rachel. Rachel's body was soon taken over with laughter as well. It was kind of funny, wasn't it? She the most anal person with stuff like protection, the most frigid person she knew, the most uptight legs closed girl she'd ever met had not only forgotten a condom in the throes of passion but also she'd forgotten to take her birth control for three months prior.

"Am I hussy now?" Sid pulled away mirth still displayed on her face.

"No, you're a gold digger. But this does explain your chucking up all the time and feeling queasy. It wasn't your food then. That's good news. "

They almost didn't go out that night but after all Rachel was actually happy she was pregnant. She was worried as well. She'd have to tell Noah somehow. She'd have to raise a baby most likely on her own. She'd have to raise a baby while trying to make it. Sid had offered to babysit all she but had also encouraged Rachel to try and write more for the paper or even sell a song or two should it be all bad. She was sure her dads would support her as well. She wasn't alone at all. She had options.

But leaving to go out that night she felt uneasy and nervous. She had to face her friends and not drink. Rachel always had wine and cosmos but she couldn't now. She was growing someone inside of her. It was the oddest feeling in the world. In her uterus there was a small child. A person that would grow up and live in this world. A person she already loved more than herself. She kept rubbing her lower belly. She couldn't stop it. It was amazingly scary and she had to check that the small bump was there the whole time. That minute hard feel to her stomach. Proof she wasn't mad and that she had just been handed an anchor that would tie her down. She knew a child wasn't going to be easy to have. She wasn't playing it down in her mind and she felt uneasy thinking she had every plan of walking onto the stage that night and sing her way to fame. Okay, maybe not fame just there and then but she wanted to put her feet on the ladder and start the climb.

They managed to get through dinner and Rachel merely used the excuse she had to get up too early to drink that night. No one tried to push the issue and she could just enjoy the company of friends and the meal. They'd gone to an uptown restaurant Kurt had said was the best for vegan food and he was right. She enjoyed every bite of her food and desert as well. For years she hadn't eaten sweets thinking she'd get fat but now that she knew she was indeed going to get fat she didn't have to watch it so much.

"So Rachel, I was thinking," Kurt turned to her. "We have one of the choir girls that fell and broke her voice," he made a death like wave with his hand and Rachel knew the poor girl had fallen out of grace. "You want in?" her mouth fell open. Kurt was offering her a way in. She couldn't believe it. Actually she could. Kurt was a nice diva. She wasn't a completion as such to him as he was a guy and she a girl. They'd hardly ever have to compete for roles should she make it. She nodded quickly.

"Yes! Of course. Thank you so much, Kurt!" She hugged him so tight she had a feeling the slight young man would break and he returned the hug with a slight hint of embarrassment at her enthusiasm.

"Are you up to par on it all? You can sing your ass of still right?" She nodded. "Good. You have to be at the theater at 3 tomorrow. Sing like you used to and the part is yours." He beamed at her and she returned the beam with a 1000 watt beam of her own lighting up the whole with the shine. She would be singing on Broadway! So who cared if it was in the choir? She would be singing. Someone would hear her and she'd get her chance. She felt her stomach to summersaults and she imagined her baby turning over with joy in there. This baby would be one hell of a performer with its parents she smiled to herself.

"You will love it," Kurt said and she nodded. "And the best part," his smile was so genuine she could barely contain her joy. "You will be there so see my first leading part."

"I'd have been there any way," she assured him.

"But now you will be there in rehearsals. We will have the stage to yourselves at time," he winked and she was taken back to sneaking in during her first trip to New York 8 years prior singing on the stage together. They could do that again. He put and arm around her. "You are back now aren't you Rachel?" She felt touched he could see it. "I mean that horribly man what's his name is all gone isn't he?" before she contain it a single tear slipped down her cheek and Kurt looked at first horrified he'd made her cry but then as he realized she was happy, he dried off the tear with a smile. "Good. He made your horrible. You could a horror before but she made you insane. I liked the old Rachel a lot better. You know he actually called and said you didn't want to see Blaine and I any more. I was really hurt. I thought we were friends." Rachel shook her head in disbelief. "Don't worry, Sid told me about it all. Joey did that to all of your friends. Told them you only stayed friends with them to have contacts in the industry or that you really hated them." Rachel's eyes flashed to Sid how was talking to a friend of Brittany's that was there for the first time. Sid felt the stare and looked at Rachel cocking her head to one side asking what was up. Rachel felt a wave of gratitude towards her friend. Sid was truly her best friend.

"I didn't know that." She turned her face to Kurt. "I didn't know he did that." Kurt shook his head.

"I know, darling. He was a monster. He was a monster that prey on young, pretty girls that want to make it hugging them in the wrap of his shroud of protection while what he really did was eat you alive and when you couldn't be what he needed any more he spat you out covering like a bad bowl movement."

"Ew, Kurt's the so fitting but so disgusting. You just called me a bowl moment. Ew ew ew!"Kurt laughed.

"But honey, it's true. And the good part is he's gone and you're still here." He lifted his glass and they shared a private toast between them to their friendship and Rachel knew she had another friend back in her life for good. Uncles Kurt and Blaine? The thought made her smile even more.

Rachel insisted on them going to Bar-It after the dinner and they all went there. In the fuss of entering Rachel slipped away from her friends to put herself on the list for the night. She was going up there. Here were a lot on before her and she was given a slot in two hours. She didn't care. She didn't suffer stage fright. She couldn't wait to get up there. Looking at the stage it was like seeing an old friend again and she couldn't wait to hug him.

They sat down at a table and listened to the want-to-be-stars on stage while chatting lively. Sid and the new guy, James, were talking all the time and Rachel had a feeling that James was going to get lucky that night.

Kurt, Brittany, Blaine and herself were grading the poor suckers up there going from discussing the bad dance moves, the horrible pitch and what seemed to be a fever that night spreading through the expectant talents (or lack thereof); they had all but two chosen songs they hadn't written themselves. They seemed too hungry for fame. No depth or understanding of the meanings of their song choices. Rachel felt nervous with anticipation.

Shortly before she had to go one she excused herself to the rest room but really went to stand back stage. The back stage was the size of her living room but she didn't care. She didn't have time to care. She was running through the phases of her song. She had given the sheets to the band and she hoped they'd do the song justice.

Taking one last breath as her name was said out load she took to the stage. She could see her friends get up and applaud her. Kurt almost jumping up and down and Sid's eyes were shining with pride. Their looks empowered her to continue and as the first tones of her song was played on the piano she stop seeing her friends and she was Rachel Berry again. Owning a stage and stealing the breath from the audience.

Nothing could stop her. Nothing. As she started the first verse one person caught her eye. Noah. He was standing at the bar looking at her with a smile on his lips. She almost lost her nerve but to her own astonishment she didn't. She wanted him to hear it. She wanted to explain with a song what she hadn't told him in person. She wanted him to hear her story. She sang the song to him. He had been the start of all of this. He had pushed like no other. Kicked her onto that damn bridge and she was now standing here because of him. And she let him know as she sang. She didn't break eye contact once with him and he held her gaze.

Puck was taken back when she sang. She sang of things and with an emotional depth he didn't think she had in her. She was telling him a story. She was apologizing to him. He could hear it and despite his anger towards her actions the song moved him. She had been through hell. He could read it all over her face and he couldn't stop himself from feeling proud of her for standing there brave like a lion telling the whole bar what her life had been like. She wasn't hiding anymore and even if he had tried he wouldn't have been able to look away. Rachel had that effect on him. She was mesmerizing and so beautiful he ached to touch her, he ached to soothe the hurt away from her and he wanted to fuck her.

When the song ended the whole bar erupted with applause and Rachel took it all in smiling silly and proud. He clapped, too but for a somewhat different reason. As she left the stage, Kurt made his presence know.

"She's breathtaking isn't she?" He said innocently. Puck shifted his eyes to the smaller guy standing next him also looking at Rachel as she left the stage. Puck nodded.

"Yeah." Why hide it? Like any fool couldn't see it on his face how much he wanted her.

"I think this is your chance, Puck. The chance of what you never could have back in Lima. All you have to do is not be an idiot." He huffed.

"This is me," he said with a humorous smile.

"And she is Rachel." Kurt said seriously. "You two are made for each other. Always have. And now Jesse is gone, Finns married, the plonker Ben is long gone," mentioning another one of Rachel's exes with an eye roll made Puck snigger. "And worst of them all Joey seems to finally have left her system and that poor boy Aaron, she is free for you to be with. She's all grown up and now you actually have a chance."

"Joey?"

"I think she just told you that story." Kurt pointed to the stage and it all made sense now in an odd way. They ordered a round of drinks and Puck joined the table with the rest waiting for Rachel to get back. She did come back a good 10 minutes later to the cheers of her peers.

"There was a talent scout here!" She almost screamed. "They're going to call." She made pirouette around herself in pure joy. "He loved my song and wanted to hear more. I can't believe this!"

"Why not?" Blaine cut in. "That song up there Rachel was in short amazing!" Rachel lit up even more her eyes shining wildly creasing up the skin around her eyes and her smile to bug and wide she felt her cheeks hurt from the strain. Didn't stop her, though. It was more than okay to be happy. She sat down at the only seat free; next to Noah. She felt uneasy being so close to him. The warmth of his skin next to her had feeling crazy on top of so happy. She could barely look at him she was scared she'd kiss him. So she threw herself into the conversation of the latest fashion.

The first ones to go were Brittany and Artie. Artie had to work. Then a few more left (Sid left with James) and in the end it was just Rachel, Puck, Kurt and Blaine left. Blaine and Puck were discussing a movie and Rachel was relaxing in her now tired joy leaning on Kurt's shoulder. She didn't want to go home and end this great night but she had to admit she was tired. She looked at Noah taking in his features. He was going to be a beautiful dad and their baby was going to look like him she was sure. She wanted it to. Not that she didn't want it to look like herself but somehow she just wanted a little copy of him. She rubbed her belly absentmindedly. It was funny how fast the belly had drawn in her hand now that she knew she was pregnant.

"Rachel, you're falling asleep." A voice broke her train of thought. It was Noah. She nodded. She knew she was about to doze off. "Wanna share a cab?" he asked innocently even though she knew his hotel was nowhere near her apartment. She found herself nodding anyway. At some point she had to face him. She was carrying his child.

They got up all of them and left the bar. Blaine and Kurt hugged them goodbye and left them standing on the sidewalk as Noah tried to hail a cab.

"So?" he said. "Pretty good night, huh?" She nodded with a tired smile grazing her full lips.

"Yeah I don't think it could be better." She stopped herself. "Or…" she left it hanging. This night could get better but she wasn't going to ask. She felt so bare already after tonight. If he didn't get it from her song she wasn't going to press the issue any further. She was talked out, sung out and strung out by her day. She wanted to sleep. "I'm so tired right now. It feels like the longest day ever." He nodded.

"I can imagine."

"Well, you must be used to long days as well," she said trying to keep the conversation going.

"Yeah some days we work 20 hours. We are wrapping soon and I have to go back to LA." He gave a saying look. He wanted her to understand that their time was almost over. He was leaving and with no inclination of anything from her that she wanted him in her life, he'd be gone. She nodded. She heard him but she was so tired. Her system was on overload from today already and then it just fell out of her mouth.

"I'm pregnant."

"What?" his response came before thought. "With who?" She gave him a look of 'who the fuck do you think, ass?'"You face is saying it's me but you said you were on the pill." She couldn't wrap his head around the idea of Rachel being pregnant. Well, she was a woman and of course was a carrier but a carrier for his child? He took a step away from her making her her face fall.

"I'm sorry," tears rolled down her cheeks before she could even get the 'I'm' across her lips. "I forgot to take my pills." She didn't even dare look up.

"You forgot! YOU FORGOT! It's not like you forgot lunch. This is a baby! A child! MY child!" He stepped into her and talking very low and threateningly voice. "And if you think for even a second you're leaving me out of this," he took in a breath to emphasis his point. "I'm fighting you for that it. You will never get to raise it." She looked up conflicted. What the fuck was he really saying? He was yelling and threatening her but he was saying the wrong things. He didn't stay however. He left her standing there on the street as a cab came.

"Weren't we sharing a cab?"

"I need some air."

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><p><strong>Do me the honour and lemme read what you think :)<strong>


	12. Chapter 12

**To everyone who reviwed; thanks! Made me so happy! In the future chapters (and this) the points of this story will come out :-) I am thinking up an endning as well. And writting a new story :-) **

**But for now; enjoy :D**

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><p>Many a tear later Rachel lied on her back, her hand rubbing her belly. She felt the most insane extreme ends of the emotional spectra. Was this bordering insanity? Was this why people lost their minds? She felt happy, frustrated, anger, hurt and hope all at the same time. She couldn't even really separate them from each other as they were a mix in her tired mind. What if she mixed them up and hated her baby she was supposed to love? A fat tears rolled down her cheek to join the wet patch on her pillow. Her whole body hurt with the pain of her emotions. She had to do something. She'd been lying there crying for hours going over her day again and again and she had an audition the next day. Well, later that same day. That would be the ticket, wouldn't it? It was what she wanted the most, right?<p>

An image of Noah flashed in her mind's eye and she felt the pang of separation like no other before. There had been no such feelings after Joey. She sat up as the very core of her shifted just then. Something huge had just fallen into her head and she had lost the thought the same second. She couldn't decipher the massage but she knew she had stumbled upon something that would change it all. A realization that would shake the reminders of grief and hurt but she couldn't for the life of her connect the two. She was too tired and still too awake to think more. But yet she had to.

She grabbed her phone from the stand and dialed a very familiar number.

"Hell will lick your feet with eternal fire if this isn't an emergency," Sid's crisp and tired voice answered as she picked up.

"I need you," Rachel whispered her frustration seeping through her voice.

"Are you okay?" Sid sounded more awake already and alert. "Is the baby okay?"

"Yes but I need you. I need to talk." A tired sigh on the other told Rachel she had called the right person at the wrong time but she had to talk to her.

"What's the time?" Rachel looked at her alarm clock. It was 5 already.

"5." A groan on the other end of the line escaped her friend.

"You're meeting me at that morning coffee place thing and you're buying." Agreeing Rachel got off the phone and got into her clothes leaving the small apartment only 10 minutes after hanging up with Sid.

30 minutes later Sid walked into the small coffee bar looking around wearily and rubbing her brow to try and rid herself of the hangover and heavy head from drinking and being up late. Rachel waved and pointed to the coffee she had bought her friend. Sid slumped into the chair and grabbed the coffee as if she was reaching for the Holy Grail filled with the elixir of immortality.

"So start talking," she grumbled moodily. Rachel for a moment was about to tell her to stop being so grumpy but thought better of it as the time was still before 6 and Sid would most likely tell her to fuck off and get real.

"I told him." Sid took an unusual second to take in the information before looking up at Rachel.

"And?"

"He left."

"That all he did?" Rachel sighed and looked down ashamed. She felt her cheeks flame and her heart sink.

"No," she looked out the window at the almost empty street as tears formed in her eyes. "He said that no way was I going to raise this child without him."

"Normally that'd be a good thing. Why the tears?" Rachel was taken a bit back with the bluntness of Sid. She was used to her honesty but not this clear written annoyance in the mix and she felt the strings of her heart being pulled as the beginning of a slow ache started to rise in her chest. She knew this kind of ache only too well but never with Sid.

"He left."

"Hmm, can you really blame him?" Rachel's eyes snapped to Sid wide with the shock of the question. "Did you really think he'd stand there pat you on the head and say 'I understand, baby. You had it rough and now that you're carrying my illegitimate offspring I didn't donate for followed by an intense declaration of love?'" The sheer sarcasm of Sid's voice was cutting at Rachel. Her words were rough and unlike the patient friend she was used to.

"But, I didn't mean to."

"Exactly. That just makes it worse."

"How?" Rachel bit her lips to keep the tears at bay. She didn't want to cry in this place. Maybe it had been a bad idea to go after all.

"Grow up, Rachel. Accept that you fucked up as well."

"But he left me. He did all those things to me. Broke my heart, played with me and let me burn myself out only to leave when I did."

"And you let him," Sid replied flatly eyes narrow and completely focused on Rachel as her voice was low, raspy and full of venom. "You never fought him for control. You handed over the reins with doe eyes and let him run rampant in your life, break your heart and extinguish your dreams with the wet, cold splash of reality. But you let him. Don't ever forget that you let him do this. You never left him and you forgave him for every idiotic idea, every hurtful action and you gave up being the person he didn't like. You're not a mindless victim, Rach, and you better fucking learn to accept that or your life will be hard as hell forever living in this bubble of post-Joey where you dream big but don't do shit. " Sid got up and giving Rachel one final shake of her head, she left her sitting there. Rachel fell back against the back of her chair taken back with Sid's quiet but ruthless outburst. A single tear rolled down her face before she covered her face gathering herself and what remained of her willpower. She eventually got up and walked home collapsing on her couch and falling asleep crying.

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><p>She woke to the sound of her phone ringing on the floor where she'd dropped it lying down. Discarded in her hurry to cry out her pain. God, she was tired of crying. She grabbed the phone and moved the little bar across the screen as she put the small device to her ears.<p>

"Hello?" A sound of rustling of movement before a soft and familiar voice broke the silence.

"Rachel?" Her heart froze and every ounce of her turned cold, then hot and then just plain uncomfortable.

"Joey?"

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><p>Dun-dun-dun-duuuhhhhh! :D Okay so a little predictable but I couldn't resist, he he.<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

**I am SO sorry that I haven't updates in this long but I offer excuses; my computer broke down, my horse threw me off (so I couldn't sit on my behind), 5 cats just moved into my house and despite kittens being cute and all I wasn't really taking in more animals (a kitten any one?), I started school and the guy I didn't like I like after all and now he's single but completely unavailable being a boy and partying sans moi…boohoo for me but (there's always a but to the first but as you are reading a chapter) someone (_Music is my Love and Life_) practically threatened me to get off my sorry aforementioned behind so here you are: next chapter totally from my post-Gossip Girl-I-miss-Glee-marathon.**

**Thanks for everyone else who reviewed and who are still with me on this. I love writing this story but I am ending it soon-ish :)  
><strong>

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><p>It was like time stood still as the silence ticked by and her heart galloped in her chest. Finally she heard him answer.<p>

"Yes, Starry." Joey's own nickname for her resounded in her heart with a thumbing echo and an ache of sorrow she didn't know still lived in there. The use of such familiar terms after what he'd done tore her heart in two and she could almost hear it happen. She didn't know what to say. "I'm home. Are you home?"

"Ye-yes," she finally managed to stammer unable to form anything but an answer to the question answered and nothing more.

"Can I come in?" She jumped and looked at the door, paranoid and spooked. He found her?

"You found me?" She managed to sound more worried than happy. Maybe because she didn't feel happy? She walked to the door and opened it to reveal a very real Joey standing there in front of her. Now that he stood there in front of her looking like he did when she first met him and her heart didn't skip, her stomach didn't turn in her belly like it had used to and she didn't instantly break into a smile either. It was clear that the actual Joey wasn't what she was prepared for. Then again, how could she be? He freaking left with no notice and didn't seem to have looked back at any point.

"Yes," he nodded with a soft smile playing on his thin lips. Had they always been that thin? Was it even good to kiss him? "Aren't you happy?" She looked at him mouth agape. Where was the big apology? 'sorry honey I know I left you…' what could you say when you left like he had? She didn't know but she knew he had to start saying the right things soon or she'd close the door on him.

"Am I happy?" she finally answered him with an almost sarcastic ring to her voice.

"I came back, didn't I?" The blood drained from her face in a matter of seconds and she felt like passing out until she finally remembered herself.

"Yeah, I see," she said coldly. "Where have you been?" Joey straightened up and squinted his eyes at her.

"I had to go…" He trailed off for a moment losing his confidence. "Look, sweetie, I had to go away for a while. We were insane…" he sighed deeply and took her hand. She wanted to recoil away from him but she stayed still giving him an undeserved chance. "Can we sit and talk?" She felt like puking but she managed to nod and keep her stomach at bay.

"Yeah okay. But I have to go soon." He smiled broadly and leaned in giving her a kiss on the cheek so close to her mouth it was almost an actual kiss. She stepped back to let him in and also to step away from him and the kiss she really didn't feel like being the recipient of.

He walked to the couch looking around in her small and somewhat IKEA slash flee market furnished flat. She had bought it all herself and in that there was a pride no one could take from her.

"You want tea? Coffee? Anything?" She asked politely increasing the distance between the two.

"One of your coffees would be good," he said sticking his hands in his pockets. She spun around as fast as she could to hidw in the kitchen. She started to make the coffee for him as she her mind was racing. He was here? Why? How? She almost grabbed her phone and called Sid till she remembered again that they weren't speaking and Sid's hissed speech came flooding back to her. Had she really been waiting for him all this time?

She made the coffee with shaking hands and moving around making everything clatter. She was so distracted she dropped a cup on the floor and broke it. She hissed with surprise as the pieces shattered all over her floor. She stood for a second frozen just looking at the pieces. Lying there being nothing but pieces and yet all of the sudden they were a symbol of it all. He had dropped her like she just did the cup.

Joey came out to her and he stopped looking at her just standing there.

"Rachel? Are you okay?" She looked up from the cup and met his eyes.

"Yeah, I think I am. Until you came along." He looked somewhere between offended and taken so far back his eyebrows couldn't find out if they were going up or down.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You left, Joey. You left me with nothing. Well, you did leave me to deal with your wife and her fury. You left me to see her take everything with her and I had nothing. You made my life hell and then you fucking left. You just gave up or hid from your wife. I don't care why. You just did it with no regards for me or what we had. And now that I'm finally over you, you come back. You dare to show you face here and act like I should miss you. Like it's the most normal thing to just walk back into my life again. Just like that."

"I was gonna tell you what happened. I got a divorce."

"So? That doesn't change that you moved to Spain. Without even looking me in the eye and tell me."

"I'm sorry," he stepped up to her and took her hands in his. "I really am. I was scared. It was all a mess. I did love you so much. It was so intense. I had to go away to save us. You wanted it all and I couldn't give it to you."

"So why are you here now?" She was surprised at the chill in her voice but she didn't feel as weak as she had before. There was more than some strength still left in her. Her old steely self that had rejected Finn so many times to focus on herself at the age of 17.

"Because I'm ready now. I wanna give you the world. I'm still in love with you and I'll do whatever it takes to get you back." With that he surged forward and kissed her. She didn't manage to move and he took her face in his hands. She lifted her arms in shock and disgust. She tried to voice her protest but by opening her moht he plunged his tongue inside her mouth and he strangled her squeal of objection. It was like being kissed by a snail. Ew! She wanted to get away so much her stomach turned. Ew ew ew! It felt like there was slobber all over her running in her mouth and propelling around chopper style. She was literally going to throw up and she tried even harder to back off from him but he brought his arm around her waist and holding her to him. There was nothing she could do as the bile rose in the back of her throat and the baby voiced his protest in a somewhat less polite way than his mother. Joey pulled back as he tasted the vomit in his mouth and she turned to to spit in the sink as she threw up.

"What the fuck Rachel? You just puked in my mouth?" If Joey hadn't sounded so angry she would have laughed. It was kinda funny.

She turned on the water and started to rinse her mouth and the sink. She heard him storm out of the kitchen and into her bathroom and the water come on in there. She felt certain he wasn't going to kiss her again. Joey came back a little while later.

"I can't believe you threw up in my mouth!" He shouted and she was taken back for a second by his temper. He hadn't changed at all. "I can't even look at you anymore. You're a whore and you always were. Such a little slut." She was unaffected by his words. She'd heard them before and once they'd stung but they didn't any more.

"Just leave, Joey. We're done." He looked at her mouth wide open and his eyes open in pure shock. She'd never told him to leave. "Now," she empathized her meaning as she pointed towards the door and he took at step towards it. "And don't ever come back." He left then and she stood there in her kitchen with the taste of vomit in her mouth but at least it overshadowed the taste of him.

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><p><strong>Okay, I wrote an actual chapter! What do you think?<strong>


	14. Chapter 14

**I'm so sorry about the long wait but I'm bearly keeping my head above water in exams. Who ever came up with bachelors and midway exam in October? Anyways, it's also short but least it's here. I promise you that Puck wil be in the next chapter! (I'm writting it already). Enjoy :)**

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><p>She didn't feel bad about it all much to her own surprise. She felt an odd sense of liberty and freedom. Joey was gone and not because he left her in a lurch sitting crying on the floor for days waiting for a sign of life. No, because she told him to. And it was kinda funny she'd thrown up in his mouth. She had stood in her kitchen for at least 15 minutes after he'd left letting the feelings of it all wash over her. She wanted to call somebody but remembered Sid had been mean and Kurt she wasn't sure she was on those kinds of terms with.<p>

Instead she took a shower and washed it all off as she sang along with the radio. By the time she was done she had only half an hour left till she had to go. She picked out her outfit with care. The small bump was small but it was still there and with her tiny frame it could be seen easily unless she dressed just right.

On the way, she felt the excitement like she'd had when she first moved here. The possibility of making it. Every audition had been laden with that and she had always felt drained after them but not in a bad way; tired with giving it all she had but left with hope. Hope. When was the last time she'd actually hoped?

She couldn't remember but she welcomed the feeling with a tiny smile she was unable to wipe from her face.

Kurt received her with the enthusiasm of a school girl on her first date. He had told the director all about her and all she had to do was to be as awesome as she'd been the last time he'd heard her. She wondered if that was last night or back when she'd been actively singing to be in a musical. There was no time to ask as she was rushing into a piano room where Kurt started to play scales and even had her sing Do-Re-Mi to get her in the mood.

She had decided to sing "My Man" with Barbra. She knew she rocked that song and even if she'd up till lately been somewhat rusty, she knew she'd kill it. Kurt nodded in agreement when she told him.

"I cried the first time I heard you sing that song." She smiled shyly remembering her own confidence in high school. It had been blown to the moon now. She knew that life wasn't a dream but she also gathered that she was a more wholesome and broken individual now; making her more interesting and also more apt to understand the leads in most shows.

Taking the stage, she looked around. The seats in front of her and the two men sitting half in darkness watching her intently. She felt tiny and the lights were burning in her eyes.

"Hi, I'm Rachel Berry. Here for the choir part," she stated as calm as she could only barely managing to conceal her nerves.

"What are you going to sing?"

"My Man by Barbra Streisand." A grunt of bored acknowledgement was a go and she took in a deep calming breath as the piano started. This was it. She closed her eyes and pictured Noah in front of her. She wanted him to hear her but there was no way he could. But she didn't care, she sang with everything she had for him. She forgot where she was and lived and breathed the song. She might have had an inkling of the feelings back when she sang it to Finn but now she really did understand. She wanted the man to be Noah but she knew that mainly it had been Joey. She had been like that and not in a good way. She had wanted to do anything to make it work and today she puked in his mouth. It was all a bit tragic-comic when she thought about it.

As she ended the song out of breath and only just managing to hold back her tears, she looked at the two men. They were off the edge of their seats looking intently at her. She blinked and found her best smile for them. She was waiting for them to say something but it seemed she had either terrified them with being horrible or dumbstruck them with being awesome. At that moment she wasn't sure which of them she had pulled off. She was used to people getting up and cheering or a few times throwing things at her. It was an eerie silence until finally one of the men opened their mouth and with a slight cough spoke;

"Do you dance as well?"

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><p><strong>Please leave your - hopefully - kind thoughts :)<strong>


	15. Chapter 15

**Actually I felt inspired and you guys have been so patient; here's the next chapter WITH Puck in it...and Rachel...together.. :D Enjoy!**

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><p>What could she have said to that? Of course she could dance…but. She let her hand rest on her belly. The tiny bump felt alive under her fingers with love and guilt. If she went on to dance could she loose the baby? How much did she want this? Both of the things? She bit her lip. She needed to see Noah. He was the only person she needed to see right now.<p>

She took a big breath as she found his number in her phone. Biting her lip again, she held it to her ear. She let it ring a few times and was just about to hang up, when he answered.

"You go for Puck."

"Noah," her trademark statement of name as hi and he knew who it was right away.

"Rachel?" She felt like crying but she held it back. She didn't want him to see her like pathetic looser right now. She was pretty sure he already did but she didn't want to encourage it more by crying.

"Yes."

"What do you want?" The harsh question had a softness to it that made her not hang up right away.

"Can we talk?"

"We are," classical sarcasm from him.

"I mean can we meet up and talk?" He hesitated and she could hear him shift around.

"Yes," a soft sigh. "I guess we need to."

"Yes," her yes lacked her old conviction and she fought herself not to end the sentence with 'if you want.'

"What are you doing in a two hours?"

"Nothing. Well, Kurt and I are going out to dinner in a few minutes but after that nothing."

"Okay, text when you head home. I'll meet you there."

"Okay." They hung up and she got up, picked up her coat and left her flat.

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><p>When she came back to her flat exactly two hours later, Puck was already there waiting for her. He sat on the stairs fiddling with his phone. She gave him a small smile as she climbed the stairs up to him and stopped a few steps below him as to be level with his eyes. He looked at her direct and hard. He wasn't here to pity her and it was clear he was still angry.<p>

"Hey," she tried softly and gave him her softest and most timid smile trying to get him to not be so mad at her. He stood up with a low grunt as hey and her spirits fell. She knew she had to do this but she really wanted him to be a bit more forthcoming. But what had she expected? She was pregnant after two times in the sack. She knew how it looked.

He walked up the few steps to her door and waited for her to open it. She gave him a look as if to ask him; 'remember last time here?' but he didn't smile back at her or give away if he did think about the last time they were here.

"You want anything? Coffee? Beer? Food?" He hesitated.

"A beer would be good. Been a long day and I have a feeling this will take more than five minutes." She nodded and left him in the living room to get him the beer. She wanted one herself but instead she put the kettle on to make tea. She went back in to the living room with his beer. He was standing by the wall with all her pictures on it. Pictures of New York, lots of her and Sid placed in one big frame, her Dads and a few others.

"Have a seat," she offered quietly. She felt really awkward with him. He walked the few steps to the couch and sat down. She sat down as well perched on the edge with discomfort. She didn't really know where to start. She was tired of saying she was sorry but she knew it might be a good start to it all. However, her mouth seemed to work on its own accord.

"You were right." He had been about to pick up the beer but stopped mid-movement to look at her with questioning eyes.

"About?"

"What you said that night I kicked you out."

"I said a few things."

"You said I wasn't being me," she looked away from him holding her breath in a tense stance of defense when she'd just exposed herself this much. Opening up to someone who you first; don't know too well and second; know is angry with you, was a thing that took some balls and she was steeling herself for his answer.

"I know," he said gently. She snapped her head back to look at him. It would appear she wasn't the only one that could surprise with an answer. He took a swig of the beer as she sat unable to figure out what to say to him. He held the bottle in his hands turning it around between them when he finally looked up to meet her eyes. "I knew Rachel. I think the only one that didn't know was you." She slumped down letting go of the breath she was holding.

"I know now. I was so lost."

"And you're not now?" To the point still and a bit harsh but his tone wasn't so brutal and the anger seemed to lurk behind patience rather than the other way around. How could he all of the sudden read people so well? Where was the half-jerk from Lima?

"No..yes." She took in a shallow breath. "I mean yes but not over the same things. Least I owned up to what was wrong, what I was avoiding."

"What were you avoiding then?" She knew the answer but she felt so frail even trying to say it out loud to him. She felt like even the smallest of harsh comments would shatter her if he said it after knowing the truth. But if she wanted him to stay she knew she had to. She'd already kicked him out and she'd let him impregnate her against either of their intentions and whishes.

"I was avoiding feeling the pain." He remained silent waiting for her to elaborate. She took her time before she did. Gathered her strenght and took one brave breath before she told him. "I was with a guy and I let him fuck me up. I gave up being me to be his. And then he left and I couldn't bare it. How could I? I wasn't me anymore. I was his and the person he'd wanted me to be. He molded me and then when I needed him to stay the most, he left." Saying it made it sound simple. That's what had happened to her like so many before her and undoubtedly many after her. She dared a look up at him. He was sitting looking at her waiting for her to look up at him. She wanted to run before he could crush her with some bad-ass hard remark that would tear her in two.

He however didn't say anything which was just as bad. She felt her story to him was so pitiably plain and ordinary that he couldn't even comment. She heard the kettle boil and rushed up to make tea tears stinging in her eyes.

Her kitchen felt like a small sanctuary where she let the tears fall as she found a cup, tealeaves and started to make her beverage. As she turned to reach for the kettle she turned around and right into him. She sprang back and away from him trying to hide her tears by brushing them away but he caught her hand.

"Don't." Her eyes went to his fear and questions burning in them. He hated that look on her. He let go of her hand gently and instead brushed the tears ever so tenderly from her cheek. "It's the first time you've been real with me." She looked so frail right there in front of him. More real than any other before her and so beautiful he felt an overwhelming surge to kiss her. Hold her. Make her better. She was going to be the mother of his second child and this time he wasn't about to have to scrape for time with it. He didn't know if Rachel was the one or the right one even but he felt drawn to her like he had since the very first time he saw her. In temple walking behind her father with pigtails and a pink dress, age 6. He teased and tormented her since that day but when he'd kissed her the first time, it had been special even if he'd played it down to be nothing.

He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her cheek so close to her mouth as he could go. He wanted to kiss her so bad it hurt but he couldn't get himself to do it. It'd be like last time. She was raw and hurting and if they kissed or slept together now he'd be taking advantage. Last thing he wanted to do.

She looked confused when he pulled back from her.

"We still need to talk," he let a hand run down her side which had her take in another breath as a rush of blood had her body tingle. He let it rest on her belly.

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><p><strong>What you think? :-)<strong>


	16. Chapter 16

**Thanks sooooo much for your reviews! I will let you know what happened at the audition, but all information should be used at the right time :P And, don't worry, SassyBR, they're not done talking at all! :) Enjoy!**

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><p>The warmth of his hand on her skin made her tingle all over with a mix of love and a sexual desire rising in her like a wave calling to shore. She looked up into his brown eyes. He wasn't really looking at her but at his hand on her belly. Slowly he lifted her top and exposed her toned and normally completely flat belly to what little light was in the kitchen. He let his thumb caress the soft skin and feel the small hard bump that was to be his child. He lifted his other hand to rest on her hip and a shiver ran down her spine. It had been so long since she'd been touched like that. She fought the urge to moan and let her head roll back and instead stared at his hands on her body.<p>

"Yes we do," she croaked out finally. He had to stop touching her like that or she'd jump his bones right there and then. He finally looked up at her and nodded as he let the top slide down to hide her belly again.

"What are we gonna do about this situation?" He went straight to the point not wanting to waste time trying to wade through pleasantries or feeble attempts to say what they meant or asked what they wanted to know. She shook her head.

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I wanna se my baby. I wanna be a part of its life." She nodded.

"I never said you couldn't."

"No…" They stayed quiet for a while just standing there a little too close for comfort, a lot of pent of emotion between them but none of them said it or dared say it.

"When do you go back to LA?" she at last broke the silence.

"In three weeks. I'm starting to shoot a new movie in 5 weeks."

"Where?"

"In Germany." She felt her heart sink. He'd be away most of her pregnancy.

"Okay." She didn't really know what to say to that. "Then we can't really be together." He stiffened and took half a step away from her.

"You think we're together now?" She looked at him with clear bewilderment.

"Yes…I thought you wanted.." She didn't want to finish that sentence and make a fool of herself.

"Wanted what? You?" She looked down at his feet unwilling to meet his eyes or answer. "Rachel, I.." He didn't really know what to say. He wanted her but then again after everything he wasn't too sure he could even trust her. She was torn and bruised from that jerk and he wasn't too sure he could handle Rachel Berry like that. She had been crazy enough before…what now?

"It's okay. I understand." He could see the tears form under her eyes and he wanted to stop them but this was his heart, too. She had always played with him and used him when she needed him and this time it seemed was no different to the last times except they were now grown up and she was carrying his child.

She stepped to the side of him and turned the kettle on again before she left him in the kitchen and went to the bathroom. He knew she was crying but what should he do? They didn't really know each other anymore and being together when he was in Germany and she was here was just crazy.

He stood there thinking till the kettle boiled again and this time he poured the water in the cup making her a cup of tea. He took the cup with him back to the couch and sat it on the table for her.

A few minutes later she came back looking red-eyed and like she was trying not. He pointed to the tea.

"Made it for you." She gave him a meek smile and sat down at the other end of the small sofa as far from him as she could without seeming like she was trying to but he saw it. Clear as day. He didn't mind too much and he even understood why she did it now. He allowed her the space and distance she needed.

"When I come back from Germany you'll be around th end of your pregnancy," he stated. "I'll come here to New York and be with you till you drop and to get to know him or her." She just nodded not caring much about the actual logistics of it all. She wanted him to be a part of her child's life and hers but it seemed she'd burnt that bridge before even crossing. he only wanted the baby, not her. "What are your plans till then?"

"I had an audition today in the same musical as Kurt's in. One of their choir girls had to stop so I tried out," she hesitated. Should she tell him it all now? He nodded.

"You get the part then?" She shook her head.

"No, one of the other girls had fallen that day and got the part now that she couldn't dance…" She bit her lip before continuing with a small voice. "I got her part."

Puck stared at her like she was mad.

"You got a part where you have to dance?" She nodded.

"Yes."

"Dance, Rachel, dance? As in parade around, jump and practice all the freaking time?"

"Not all the time. It's not that big a part," she protested. "It's not a hard part and I mostly have to sing."

"But you have to dance?"

"Yes I have to dance, Noah," she spat out annoyed he kept asking the same question.

"Have you forgotten you're pregnant?"

"It's only for 6 weeks."

"Only 6 weeks? How far in will you be then? 5 months!" He leaned forward towards her on the couch. "Have you lost your mind!"

"No, I haven't lost my mind," she stated with an equal force. "I want to have a job. You think money rains on my roof every month?"

"Don't they pay you to write?"

"Of course they do but not enough for a baby. And I always wanted to be on the stage. Now's my chance."

"But at what cost? What if you lose they baby? If you trip or fall? What then?"

"Pregnant women have worked before."

"Yes but they didn't take on dancing jobs!" He spat at her. "This is my baby, too, and as long as you're carrying my baby, what you do with your body is what you do to my child."

"You can't tell me what to do. We're not a couple as you just pointed out so you have no say in how I make my money or what I do to my body." She stood up. Gone was the soft expression of hurt and despair replaced with anger and defiance. "You can't just come here and think that because you wanna be a part of the baby's life but not mine you have any rights to tell me how to run my life." He stood as well facing her with equal anger.

"So because I don't want you, you're just gonna do as you please and fuck it all up? Is that it Rachel?"

"No!" She screamed and he was taken aback by her outburst. "I'm not doing this to you! I'm doing what I wanna do for the first time in years and no one gets to tell me how to run my life." She was out of breath from the excitement of anger and her chest rose and fell in shaggy breaths but she held his eyes with hers and the fire he once knew to be Rachel Berry was burning inside them.

"So you'll risk your child to become a star?"

"There's no risk. I'm already past the first trimester. It'll be fine."

"But what if it's not?"

"Then you don't have to worry about me or how you'll need to handle this anymore," she hissed her words filled with poison and disgust. She wanted him to feel the same pain as she'd just felt when he told her he didn't want her. He was merely tolerating her because she was carrying his child. It burned a hole in her heart but she wasn't about to let it also burn her plans of making it. No way was he or any other going to tell her how to run her life anymore. Joey had done it and that was the last time anyone told Rachel Berry what to do.

He shook his head at her.

"I'll see you when I get back from Germany."

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><p><strong>Whoops, not a happy ending just yet :P<strong>


	17. Chapter 17

**Sorry this is neither the most inspired or exciting chapter...I just finished my exams yesterday (I pass with an A+ woopppp!) so this is a sorta moving the story along. I am looking to finish it within the next few chapters...if I can manage to let them be together, he he. Enjoy :)**

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><p>Puck had not contacted her for the remainder of his three weeks in New York and she had been equally proud and angry with him to contact him. It had helped that she had been in rehearsals and on stage most of the time. She'd come in right before the premiere and she had to work hard to catch up but every part of her loved it. Kurt supported her and helped with as much as he could when he wasn't busy with his own rehearsals.<p>

Rachel's body found it hard to work but soon her old strenght and flexibility came back and she was feeling even better now that she was exercising. The morning sickness passed and she felt almost normal but for the hormonal outbursts and a more heavy feel to her body. Every second she didn't know where to put her hands; they went to her belly to feel the bump. Make sure it was all okay in there.

The day before curtain was about to drop and she had her Broad Way virginity taken, Sid came to see her. Rachel was standing on the stage with the group of dancers and for the first time, Rachel wasn't the holdup but one of the other girls. Sid sat down towards the back and waited as she watched her best friend do what she was clearly meant to be doing. She looked radiant and so much more like the Rachel she had known back in college. It made her smile as the tiny brunette twisted her body over the floorboards in sync with the other dancers. Sid wanted to hear her sing but she figured she'd come on the wrong day for that. Kurt had let her in but he had been too busy himself to sit. Sid didn't mind at all. She liked being the lonely observer.

The director stopped the group again and again to pick on the same poor girl and while the girls stood around and let him have it with the girl, Sid noticed how Rachel's hand found its way to her belly. She found her phone and quickly took a picture of her. She knew there was a certain someone who'd actually want that picture taken as he'd conspired against Rachel to being kept posted. Puck had come to Sid's office two days after he and Rachel had had their last fight. He had looked haggered and worried and Sid had decided that the boy was worth both her and Rachel's time

After a rather long discussion of pregnancies and that Puck really couldn't expect Rachel to do as told, Puck had settled for one little favor. "Please keep an eye on her and my baby." Sid had agreed and Puck had left her with an email address to keep him posted if there was anything he needed to know.

After about an hour of doing the routine over and over, the director finally let the girls have a break and the next set of actors have the stage. Sid got up and walked down to the stage where Rachel was standing talking to another girl. Sid walked into the end of the girl's comment.

"..was being hard on her." Rachel nodded but didn't comment further. She had seen to two kissing the other night and figured they had a fight. The girl saw Sid. "Can we help you?" Her voice stand offish clearly feeling above a low ranking whatever Sid was.

"I'm here to talk to Rachel." Rachel turned to look but just her friend's voice was enough. She could barely contain the smile and stay mad at Sid as she turned. Sid looked her usual dishelved self; a holed pair of jeans hugging her skinny frame with a bright blue top covered by a wrinkled knitted vest that made her look sexless. Her blond hair was uncombed and her face free of makeup. "Looking pretty good up there Berry," she said with her lopsided smile. Rachel sat down on the edge of the stage.

"Why are you here?"

"To see you. I just said."

"I haven't heard from you in three weeks."

"I haven't heard from you either," Sid countered unfazed.

"You were the one who left me sitting in that café."

"You needed to hear the truth." Sid countered quickly restraining herself from smiling as Rachel was at a loss for words. "Besides I was in bed with a hunky man. Hungry?" Rachel gave up with a shrug. Accepting the peace offer meant Sid was back. She needed the loony to keep her sane as fucked up as that was.

"Yes. Give me 15 to change."

"From the smell, I'll allow you 30. I need to see Kurt about a hummingbird anyway."

"Kurt?"

"Yes, your lovely gay friend. Remember? He got you…"

"5 minutes and you're deflecting already."

"Been watching House a lot these 3 weeks."

"Again with the deflection." Sid sighed dramatically.

"Fine, I have to see and talk to your friend Kurt about something that's none of your business and I was trying not be rude about but since you insist…" Sid's face broke into a wide grin. "I have secrets from you with Kurt. Now go change your smell to something soapy." Sid left before Rachel could argue and Rachel went down to shower and change. What could Sid be up to? Rachel knew Sid was most of the time up to something but usually Rachel was part of it or at least Sid would tell what she was up to. This was new.

She found Sid and Kurt sitting together with Blains as well. Rachel smiled happily and hoped the four of them would have lunch together.

"Hey guys. Are you joining us for lunch?" She asked casually. Kurt nodded.

"Yes." The three of them exchanged a look between them before they got up.

"What you all three up to?" They all feigned innocence as Kurt looked at her.

"What do you mean, Rachel honey?"

"That!" Rachel pointed to him.

"That what?" Kurt asked calmly.

"You're all conspiring about something. What is it?"

"Your birthday," Sid blurted out but Rachel caught the micro cringe from Kurt. Sid was lying.

"That's not true. My birthday isn't until December."

"We're planning ahead," Sid said with finality to her words that told Rachel she could ask from now and till her actual birthday and Sid, Kurt or Blaine wouldn't tell her a thing.

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><p>The weeks flew by and Rachel had her debut on the stage receiving much praise from colleague as well as reviews. But most importantly from her love once; her two dads and her mom made it as well. She and Kurt we singled out to be upcoming stars to watch and predicted a great future.<p>

Rachel was however by the end of the show not so sure she'd be able to take on another role of any kind soon. Her body was telling her that dancing and singing 5-6 hours a day was a bit of a strain while also growing another little person inside of her. Her belly began to really swell and at the last night of the show, she confessed to her friends that she was pregnant with Puck. Kurt and Blaine were chocked but congratulated her instantly groping her belly and asking her a million questions a minute. Kurt sobered up from the elation quickly though.

"What are you going to do now then? I mean you can't be in a show…I don't think there's any with leading pregnant women in it." Rachel couldn't help but laugh at him.

"I have to do something else, Kurt."

"But you only just got started."

"Well, I was offered a considerable amount of money for my song. Maybe I could focus on that."

"Did you sell it?" Rachel shook her head.

"No but I could."

"Or you could record it yourself," Kurt grinned. "And you could be like the new Celine of Barbra. Baby on the road and all." Rachel smiled.

"Maybe."

The show closed all too soon and by that time it was evident Rachel was pregnant to everybody around her. She had to admit she liked how she looked pregnant. She had always thought she'd grow a whole castle for her kid one day but turned out she was one of those annoying girl who stayed fairly slim. She figured it was because of all the dancing.

She took two weeks off after the show and then she started to feel restless and bored. She could only jog as many times around, in and through Central Park and despite that she loved it, she was tired of meeting up with people for lunch to hear about other people's exciting lives. There were only so many times you could talk about the show with the same person. She wrote some songs and even sold a few she wasn't all that attached to.

One evening she was sitting with her laptop on her belly as she was watching Top Model cycle 30. She felt Tyra was getting old. She was shaking her head at the girls on the screen when the small ping of the Facebook chat caught her attention. She was surprised to see it was from Puck. Her heart leapt.

_Noah "Puck" Puckermann: Hey Rach. How R U?_

She hesitated before she answered.

_Rachel Berry: I'm good thx. How U?_

__Noah "Puck" Puckermann_: I'm fine. How is the baby? _

She sighed heavily. Of course he only wanted to know about the baby. She couldn't help the feeling of hurt that h so clearly had no interest in her as a person but merely as the vessel for his child.

_Rache Berryl: It's fine. I went to the doctor the other day. You wanna know the sex?_

__Noah "Puck" Puckermann_: Do you?_

_Rachel: No but I can have him send you the details if you want. I don't want to decide if you want to know or not._

It was quiet for a bit before the familiar "…is typing" emergered. She waited patiently struggling with logging off and going back to ignoring him but she stayed on.

_Puck: I'd like to know. I'll text you the details. _

_Rachel: Okay._

A few minutes later she got a text with the details. Nothing else. She felt angry and lonely. It wasn't fair! She wanted him to want her. She refrained from writing anything back she knew she'd regret and instead padded to the kitchen to get ice cream when the small ping had he turn to the computer again.

_Puck: I have some days off. Mind if I come see you? I want the baby to hear my voice. _

She contemplated for a moment saying no. He didn't deserve to see her. He could see the baby when it was out and able to be held and take up the full focus of his attention not when she was fat, hormonally horny and up and down like a yo-yo. But on the other hand he was showing interest in their child and she knew what it was like to have parents that cared and showed they cared all the time. She missed out on having a mother. She never wanted her child to feel like he or she was missing anything when it could be had.

_Rachel Berry: I don't mind no._

She refused to be too enthusiastically about it to him. He wasn't allowed to think she was missing him or wanted him here for her herself. Even if she actually did.


	18. Chapter 18

**Thanks for the reviwes :) Means the world to me :) Puck is in NY - enjoy :)**

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><p>It turned out Puck flew into New York the next day and Rachel was jogging through Central Park when he called her in the middle of a round of rough cuts of some of her sounds. She'd found that listening to them as she ran helped her work on them. She pressed the earplugs for the phone as the call interrupted her train of thought.<p>

"Rachel Berry," she huffed feeling puffed.

"Oh did I catch you rubbing one out?" She recognized his distinctive voice straight away but decided to play it cool.

"Creep," and hung up. She was fairly sure he'd call her back but started to run again. She didn't take more than a few steps and then her phone rang again.

"Rachel Berry," she puffed again. "And don't be an ass Puck." A soft chuckle revealed it was him.

"Sorry," he didn't sound it. "What are you doing then?"

"Jogging."

"Not hurting the baby?"

"The baby is fine. Stop worrying that I'll hurt her."

"You know the sex?"

"No, I just have a feeling it's a girl," Rachel said a soft smile curled her lips and she rubbed her belly affectionately.

He answered her in a soft chuckle that held the same affectionate tone as her smile.

"Did you want anything?" She remembered that he didn't want her and her mood cooled instantly.

"Ouch, B. I'm in NY and I wanna see you." A flutter in her stomach had her speechless for a moment. See her? Just her. "And the baby," and her flutter died.

"Oh, I didn't know you would be here already."

"Actually I'll be at your place in about 15 minutes. Hoped you'd be home."

"Errr," she looked around trying to figure out the fastest way home and in a shower before he saw her. "Okay. I'll hurry home."

She ran most of the way home to try and beat him to her flat but he was sitting on the stairs as she came bouncing up sweating like mad and her hair all over the place.

"That's a sexy look on you, B." Was he flirting with her? She gave him a smile as she was too out of breath to answer him. "You run all the way back?" She nodded. He dangled at brown paper bag in front of her. "I brought you a treat."

She walked to the door and unlocked it fast.

"I just need a shower."

"No need. I mean it you're sexy like this. Pregnancy becomes you." She gave him a quizzical frown.

"I will just go shower but thank you."

She came back a little while later and found him sitting on her couch with two steaming mugs of coffee for him and tea for her as well as bagels from the local bakery. She felt her stomach turn with hunger after her run so she hurried to sit down. He smiled at her.

"I liked the other look better," he pouted with a cheeky smile playing in his full lips. God she wanted to kiss him. She mentally kicked her self. He had made it clear he didn't want her so thinking about kissing him was like planning what to do with the lottery wins when you didn't buy a coupon.

"Well, this is a little less messy on the sofa," she answered him coolly skillfully hiding her lustrous feelings. He didn't seem too dissuaded but rather smile and hinted at the bagel.

"Hungry?" She nodded. No point in hiding that. "How have you been?" She felt every question was odd. She felt awkward in his presence and she could almost feel the tension around then gathering more and more like fog.

"I've been fine thank. You?" He didn't comment if he felt her answer was vague but nodded with a confident smile.

"I've been great. Been to see Berlin, the wall and all. It's a really great movie. I think you'll like this one." She was about to say she hadn't see any of his movies just to spite him but felt she was better than that. Even if their last encounter had resulted in him leaving her again and she had been furious for days. She merely nodded putting her acting skills to good use with a show face smile.

"That's nice." They were quiet for a little while as they both took a bite of their bagels. She refused to open up this…whatever it was and he felt unsure how to breach the subject of his visit. He remembered the last time all too well. Anger and fury became her but fuck she'd been mad at him.

"How was it to be on stage?" He dared the question with a neutral expression not wanting to set her off. He could feel her hesitate contemplating her answer as she slowly chewed her food. Her dark brown eyes searched his face for any inkling as to why he was asking. Finally she answered.

"It was great. I loved it," she couldn't contain the smile and it lit up the room with the first genuine emotion showed. He smiled back. She looked radiant like that but she stopped herself and the smile faded, show face in place. The room turned back to tense and even a bit gloomy.

Rachel couldn't get herself to talk about being on stage with him after their fall out over the very same thing and containing her enthusiasm she took another bite of the bagel as did he. She had never been good with these tense situations and she wanted to break the mood, lift the fog or cut the tension out to serve as a nice and fluffy cake. But fuck him if she was going to make this better. He had been the one to overreact and she was not going to hand him any kind of truce. He had to dig himself out of this.

"That's good," he said trying hard to get her to smile but she instead took a sip of tea and refused to return his gaze. "Sooo, how it is being pregnant?" She gave an odd little hiccup as the question was completely unexpected.

"I pee a lot," she answered him dryly.

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><p><strong>What do ya think? :)<strong>


	19. Chapter 19 A New Turn

**A short one again :)**

**Thanks for all you kind reviews! You are awesome to take the time to let me know what you think :-) **

**Enjoy!**

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><p>He chuckled heartly at her.<p>

"Okay, B. I meant the question a little different but okay."

"I know you did," she answered and dared a almost challenging look at him. She had never really been good at this playing around the hot sauce and she didn't like it with him. She wasn't gonna give him one ounce of anything making this easier. He walked out on her three times in total over the last few months and she had in the meantime picked up her dignity and refusing to let go now. Even if he looked totally hot in his faded jeans and simple tight t-shirt and was sorta flirting. She refused to give in a make this easy and pretend their history wasn't there. He had to work for it.

"Are you playing hard to get?"

"I wasn't aware you were trying to get me," she answered him coolly and took another sip of her tea as she broke their eye contact.

"Maybe I realized that I made a mistake and I'm trying to make up for it." She almost dropped her cup. "But you see, you made some as well. I find it hard to forgive you for getting pregnant in the first place. I'm actually angry with you that you changed so much because of some asshole," he took a deep breath. "But I can't stop thinking about you, Rachel." She had turned her head as he'd accused her of making mistakes as well but now her jaw dropped.

"Noah…I.." She couldn't seem to find the words. Maybe because she didn't know what to say at all. There was a definite attraction there had always been she'd never try to deny it but could they see past all the things they'd been fighting about? Was she willing to? She felt the hurt of his rejection still burning with embarrassment of letting him know she wanted to be with him. "I don't know what to say." He let his shoulders fall an inch.

"A good you don't know or a bad?" She fidgeted around for a few seconds trying to gather her thoughts.

"I don't know what to think, Noah. You said it yourself, you're angry with me that I changed. I'm not the Rachel you knew in High School. I'm the grown up version. I don't think you want anything else than sex…" she tried to sound as soft and unsure as she could but his head snapped up and anger flared over his normally so soft features.

"Just for sex? You're carrying my child!" He got up showing his anger off even more.

"Are you going to walk out again?" She managed to insert before he blew more of his anger out in a verbal attack. He stopped and stared at her anger dispersed.

"It that the problem? You think I'll leave you?"

"Weren't you on your way just then?" She got up staring him square in the eye.

"No….Yes but," He took a deep breath. "Yes okay. You make me so angry! You're unbelievably sexy and God you just don't give me anything to work with or on. The Rachel I knew did…"

"The Rachel you knew grew up and learnt that boys are mean and if you give it all you got, they fuck you over and leave you so high and dry on the love that never was returned."

"One guy did that," he said pointedly.

"No, Noah, no. I've been a fool to always pine over guys…ever since High School. Where did it get me?"

"Who cares! I'm here now and fuck it Rachel I wanna be the idiot that fights for you for the rest of my life. I don't know you that well any more but I can get to know you. Right now all I know is I can't get you out of my head. I won't go away. If I leave I'll be back."

She stood looking at him unable to say anything. She wanted it all so unbelievably much her body physically hurt but her heart told her to run. That'd he'd hurt her and he would eventually leave. He took a step closer keeping eye contact as he leaned in.

"I will get to know you again and we'll do it for real. No rushed sexual encounters. I will be in New York for the next two days and then I'll be back here in 4 weeks. I will have to fly to LA and around and stuff but we'll make it work." She heard the promise, the hope and more importantly the honesty in his voice. She nodded slowly.

"Okay.."


	20. Chapter 20

**Thanks for the reviews - as always I love you for them :) Hope you enjoy this chapter as well :-)**

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><p>It was like the tension had been replaced with an uncertain promise but neither knew what to do or how to act on it. It was awkward but without the tension. She looked at him in front her. Like really looked. Was he the man to be in her life for better or for worse? She had never thought of Noah as the marrying kind.<p>

He gave her a soft smile.

"You are staring my skin off, baby." She felt a slight blush creep over her skin as he called her baby. Flashes of him in bed made her look away.

"Sorry."

He felt like a part of him died as he looked at her standing there; pregnant and blushing. It was like the end had come; at a journey's end. He had to touch her in some way or the other and stepping close to her he put his arms around her, hugging her to him pressing a soft kiss to the side of her mouth. Not an actual kiss but a loving gesture in a hug that was the beginning. For a moment she tensed up but then gave in and returned the hug. It felt good to them both and he held on for a bit longer than he normally would but eventually he did let go.

She looked like a shy schoolgirl and for a moment he saw the girl he once knew but then she smiled and she was the grown up Rachel.

"I'm sorry the baby's squashing my bladder," she gave him an apologetic smile and he couldn't help but laugh.

"Okay."

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><p>Standing in front of the mirror Rachel looked at herself. This was not how she had expected this but she couldn't help but smile any way. He was here and despite it being just a little odd it wasn't bad. They had hung out the rest of the day and then he'd asked her out to eat. She had dressed up hiding the bump the best she could as to not stir too many rumors about them. She'd worn a loose hanging blue shirt and a pair of skinny jeans and she knew she rocked the simple look.<p>

Applying lip gloss, she gave herself a last look and left the restroom and returned to Noah who was sitting waiting as he was looking around at the other people there. His eyes turned to her the moment she entered the room and she knew there were no other girls to him just then. The room was practically crawling with pretty women and he didn't really seem to notice.

She gave him a bright smile as she sat down.

"I ordered dessert for us," he smiled a bit nervous as he knew she had her set opinions about everything in her life but he loved this restaurant and he wanted her to taste his favorite desert.

"Okay. What did you order?"

"Chocolate Love."

"I'm gonna get so fat," she whined but she couldn't really contain a smile. She loved chocolate.

"No you're not. You'll fret so much about it that you'll lose the weight from fretting."

"I don't fret."

"No, you're a control freak. Completely different." She pretended to be insulted for about a second before she laughed.

"There's nothing wrong with planning."

"No as long as you live a little on the edge as well."

"Okay, I will eat your chocolate love and not worry, fret or plan how to lose the weight."

"Good. I do know a good way to lose it," he said with a wink that left little to the imagination as to what he had in mind.

"Noah!" He began to laugh and she looked around them to see if anyone had picked up on this more than a flirt thing they were sharing. No one was. The waiter came with their desert and placed it in front of them.

"We have to share."

She looked at the big plate with 6 different small portions of deserts with chocolate. Noah picked up a spoon and gestured for her to do the same. "My favorite is this one," he dipped his spoon in white chocolate mousse with raspberry sauce on the top. "Try it." He leaned over with the spoon to feed her and Rachel didn't hesitate to take the spoon between her lips. It was like an explosion of taste in her mouth; the overly sweet chocolate mousse and the bitter raspberry sauce.

"Oh my God," she breathed in a raspy moan. "This is amazing!" She closed her eyes enjoying the tastes in full. He watched her and moved around to try and relieve the strain his pants were beginning to be under. When she finally opened her eyes she smiled at him with one of her 1000 watt smiles mixed with a full on post-sensic orgasm sexy as hell smile. "Your turn." She took a good look at the plate between them before choosing the dark chocolate mousse. Raising the spoon to him she licked her own lips and he had to swallow to keep from moaning. He accepted the spoon but refused to close his eyes and look like a girl.

"This is better than pussy."

"Noah!" She said incredulously.

"Sorry not better than yours of course babe." She flushed crimson.

"Noah…I can't believe you just said that!"

"Really? You have great tasting-" He never got to finish the sentence as she leaned across and put her hands over his mouth.

"Don't you dare." He laughed and removed her hand giving it a playful kiss.


	21. Chapter 21

**As always; thanks SOOO much for the taking the time to let me know what you think about this story! You are amazing!**

**A light chapter again...ish. Enjoy!**

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><p>Shifting to accommodate her new form in the taxi she gave a soft sigh and placed a protective hand on her belly as Puck got in after her. They had been across the table all night but now the distance was closed as he sat right next to her. He leaned over to give the cabby the address of her place before settling back and placing his arm around her shoulders. She felt a jolt of nervous excitement by his touch. He leaned in towards her and placed a hand on her belly on top of hers with a soft smile. She felt her insides turn over in an affectionate burn of want. She wanted it all so much but she felt the restraints in her heart telling her this was the same feeling she had had with Joey, Finn and the rest of the jerks that had broken her heart. He'd be no better and now there was a child to take into the picture as well.<p>

Puck looked up at her his light brown eyes conveying the same emotion she felt her unborn child; excitement and unconditional love.

"I can't wait to see her." Her heart leapt. He did know the sex and he'd just said it. She furrowed her brow. She didn't want to know. Anger took over faster than wildfire and she pulled back from him. He looked confused.

"You know the sex," she said hotly her anger shinning through even more as she let it manifest in words. A leer spread on his face. He clearly didn't know what was good for him. She narrowed her eyes in a deathly stare.

"Baby, you said it was a girl."

"But you know!" She'd raised her voice and the cabby looked behind him to see what was going on.

"Rach," he tried to calm her down. "You said it yourself."

"But I didn't know."

"You still don't," he explained patiently.

"So it's a boy?" She gave her belly a questioning look.

"I didn't say. I'm not telling you what it is. But you said you thought it was a girl so I'm here thinking the same with you." It was kind of sweet but she was angry now hormones racing thought her body making her irrational beyond any reasoning. She crossed her arms across her chest in a defensive stance of coolness as she turned her head to stubbornly stare out the window. "You have no reason to be mad," he said softly only making her even more so. He leaned in very close to her and let his lips brush he cheek. "I didn't see the sex. I wanted it to be the same surprise for me as for you," he placed a gentle kiss on her cheek before leaning back and letting her stew. He felt sure she'd defrost at some point soon.

Rachel bit her lip. Her anger was draining as tears came instead. My God, she was so up and down with him here. She felt the first tear run down her cheek and lowered her head letting her hair cover her face from him. Her hands fell to her belly again cupping the bump with her arms.

The tears seemed to fall like small heavy droplets even if she stubbornly tried to hold them back.

He saw her little move with the hair; felt the distance again raised like a wall between them. The first tear dropped to her arm and he couldn't let her sit there on her own. He put his arm back around her and tugged her to him not saying anything or making her look up to reveal the tears. He gave her hair a kiss as she settled against him and burrowed her nose against his neck. Words were unneeded as he engulfed her in a warm hug. Mocking would be another time even if it was a bit temping to call her out on being this silly.

He breathed in the smell of her hair, the smell of her. He loved how she smell like fresh citrus and her own distinct smell.

The ride to her place wasn't long and soon they climbed out of the taxi and were walking up the stairs to her apartment. Flashbacks to the first time they'd been here had him smile and find her hand. She gave him a meek smile looking red-eyed and vulnerable. Her eyelashes had gathered into spikes from the tears and it made them look like small sad stars. He had to do something to wipe it away. He hated seeing her sad.

They reached her door and he stopped her before she could start fumbling with the keys. They both knew what he wanted to do the only question hanging in the air was if she'd let him. He felt the tinge of excitement. It wasn't very often he was unsure of women and their willingness to give into him. Leave it to Rachel Berry to be that one girl that made him nervous and unsure of himself.

He tugged at her hand gently pulling her to him. Her eyes were glued to his face with a guarded innocence in them. Her gaze dropped to his lips and her own parted slightly as her tongue darted out to wet them. It was the last point of restrain. He lunged in and captured her lips in one sweeping motion as his hands cupped her jaw holding her to him in a possessive kiss. For a moment he felt unsure she'd respond to him as she leaned back an inch.

Rachel knew he'd kiss her the second he took her hand. She wanted it with every part of her romantic heart but reason was rearing its nasty head of mistrust and uncertainty. He could break her heart again, he could be playing her, he was a player. Could he commit? The battle inside of her as he stopped her outside her door raged on but instinct launched him into the kiss. The classic move to look at the other person's lips and lick your own broke his restrain and the moment his lips made contact with hers she knew she couldn't postpone the decision any more. Either she wanted him and what all he had to offer her or she didn't.

The kiss was forceful and demanding. He wanted her. He was making it clear as day he was all in. The baby made a turn inside her and gave a kick. She took it as a sign and gave into him. Let him wash over her and take control.


	22. Chapter 22

**Took me a little time to get this done but here you go :) Enjoy :P**

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><p>He followed her inside; quick as a cat. No way was he gonna miss out on this even for a second. He almost slammed the door making her giggle.<p>

"Not exactly the best thing to do with Mr. Grumpy on the other side of the door," she said as she turned on the light bathing the room in a yellow glow and herself as well. She had never looked more beautiful to him. He flashed her a cheeky grin as he approached her. Placing his hands on her hips he kept smiling down at her.

"I don't give a flying fuck."

"Ohhh Mr. Badass." He chuckled lightly before he bent down capturing her lips between his in a kiss that managed to express his want for her. She responded immediately no hesitation this time wrapping her arms around his neck pulling him to her. She wanted this just as much as he did and having made the decision to give in, she gave in fully. She playfully bit his lip teasing him and at the same time egging him on. He pulled her flush against him deepening that kiss as he demanded entrance to her mouth and sought out her tongue.

She answered him with a soft moan as she raked her fingers over his skull seeking more contact with him. He let go for a second; just long enough to hiss out;

"If you keep writhing like that I'm gonna rip your clothes off." She smiled wickedly loving the control she held over him.

"Who's stopping you?" He didn't need much more encouragement than that; he lifted her up and carried her to the bedroom as she squealed at the initial lift. He contemplated throwing her on the bed but as she was pregnant he lowered her down and followed with her laying half on top of her and half on his side next to her.

She smiled up at him managing to only look slightly panicked before she lifted her shoulders off the mattress and kissed him. She wanted this and she wanted him. She lifted her hand to rest on the back of his neck to pull her to him to her. He gave in without hesitation claiming her lips with the passion of a man who was kissing for the last time in his life. She responded by pressing up against him as she rolled a bit more to her side dragging her leg over his hip. She wanted him right now! She didn't wanna wait any more. She moaned impatiently against him.

He let his hand travel up her leg at the slowest pace much to her dissatisfaction and she voiced her protests against his mouth as she bit his lip. Not a hard bite but hard enough to tell him she wasn't having this agonizingly slow pace. He chuckled against her as he moved his hand up to rest on her butt. He cupped it lovingly.

"You were never patient. Always wanting things right here right now." She furrowed her brow and gave him scowl as best she could with hooded eyes and swollen lips.

"Shut up, Noah and stop trying to be cool." She moved her hand to rest on the bulge in his pants that clearly showed her wanted this as much as she did. He chuckled in a moan before he gave caution to being cool, badass or even just more patient than her and attacked her next with the same fever she was craving.

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><p>Rachel woke with a small start as Noah's cell was blaring out the newest song by Ke§ha. She sighed and turned over to find the bed next to her empty sheets ruffled and crumbled looking as used as they had been. She looked around the room feeling silly and alone. The phone stopped ringing but almost immediately it started again. Someone must really want to get hold of him, she thought. She glanced at the phone as she sat up. It was an unknown number. It stopped again and just as fast started to ring yet again.<p>

"Noah?" She called out to the small apartment but all she got was the faint echo of the empty rooms. The phone stopped and started yet again and as her annoyance grew with the song and noise as well as waking up alone, she stared at the small device willing the other person to stop calling. It didn't help. The caller hung up and called again.

She got out of the bed as her bladder was about to burst from her child bouncing up and down on the organ. She rushed to the bathroom as fast she could and quickly relieved herself. When she returned to the bedroom the phone started to ring again and this time she lost her patience and picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?" A female voice asked anger coloring her tone of voice. Clearly the girl on the other end was as annoyed to have called this many times as Rachel was that she'd called.

"This is Rachel. Who are you?"

"I need to talk to Puck."

"He's not here."

"Well, then tell the fucker his fucking girlfriend called for the zillionths time and if he don't call me back I'm gonna saw his car in two with his retarded guitar," the girl hissed on the other end and Rachel felt sick to her stomach. He had a girlfriend? She didn't hear the end of the girl's abuse but after what seemed like an hour she realized that the line was dead a long time ago and the phone had even switched to sleep mode. She stood in the middle of her room feeling no different than she had for most of her life; humiliated and stupid. Why did guys have to be like this?

Puck hadn't needed to do any of this. She was happy he'd be part of their child's life. Why did he need to cheat on his girlfriend with her? Was she such a big fool to fall for the same shit twice?

The tears streamed down her face before she could hold them back. And where was the bastard himself? She wanted to scream her anger and humiliation out. How could he do this to her?

She spun around and took a fast overlook of the room and gathered the few items he'd left behind. She raged thought the rest of her apartment and collected the small amount of items that was his. She put them into a bag with his phone and put the bag out in front of her door with a note: "Your girlfriend wants to hear from you."

She quickly put on some clothes herself and then left. She needed to get out and away from where they'd been fornicating all night.

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><p>He called her a few times but she didn't pick up. She'd gone to Sid's to hide out and Sid being the good friend she was, had run to the nearest store and stacked up on Ben and Jerry's, Oreos and Mountain Dew. The two girls were sprawled on the couch as it seemed Puck had given up calling her and settled for a text message.<p>

'Baby, please pick up. I can explain.'

"What did he write?" Sid asked lifting a knowing brow. Rachel read the text out loud. "Can't they all?" Sid asked with a bored expression. "I can't believe the bastard. I thought he was a good guy…okay a wise crack and all but never the less a good guy." Rachel nodded as she kept her finger on her phone. She wanted to hear what he had to say..didn't she? Wasn't that what she'd wanted with Joey? Closure by hearing his painfully embarrassing excuses. She felt sure it would have made it easier to get over the idiot. She made up her mind and started typing. Sid started to protest but Rachel gave her a hard stare and Sid closed her mouth and raised her hands in a gesture of surrender.

'Explain that you have a girlfriend but shared a bed with me last night? What's to explain? I get it, Puck; you just see the same silly girl from High School.' It didn't take him to answer.

'No you're a better fuck now.'

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><p><strong>*Cackle* did you really think I was gonna let this be this easy? :D Please lemme know what you think :)<strong>


	23. Chapter 23

**I am sorry to yet again have broken them up. I can't help it. It's like second nature to me, he he. I do try to post as much as I can these days but fact is it's not every day I can sit down and write**

****Thanks for your honest and lovely reviews**! They mean the world to me :-)  
><strong>

**But I did write up a new one now :-) Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>4 months later<strong>

Waddling had become her new style of walking and she wasn't too fond of it all. Kurt called her Hippa with a loving smile.

She hadn't contacted Puck at all with anything and she even refused to answer any kinds of text, calls, emails or Facebook messages save but with one message: 'Due date is on the 25th of June.'

She read a few weeks after her unfortunately night with him that his girlfriend (some actress) and he had split and the girl was furious he'd cheated on her with some girl from New York. Having the truth confirmed she even more determinedly refused to have anything to do with him as long as their daughter was still inside her. She felt he had no claim of her time before the event of the birth.

However due date was today and there was nothing she could do now but pick up as he called.

"Hello," she answered the phone as coolly as she could, feeling hot and bothered both by the heat and the exhaustion of walking down the street. Kurt was by her side carrying a shopping bag filled to the max with baby clothes that the two had bought for the new arrival. Rachel was also hoping walking would make the baby drop. She could barely recognize her slender body under all the blubber and water. The little princess would feel her crib was claustrophobic compared to the comfortable castle that was the size of Rachel's uterus. Kurt shot her a curious glance.

"Today is the day. Are you about to drop?" His ever humorous soft teased. She felt a jab of anger and want. Not the best to feel as her hormones were about to drive her crazy; add the heat and her weight and she was a near lunatic.

"Not right now, no, Puck," she answered back pointedly.

"Any idea when? You must be as big as a whale by now," he chuckled.

"I have no idea. My water and baby are still inside where she seems happy to stay." Kurt gave her a knowing smile having guessed who it was. He took her hand in his and gave it an affectionate squeeze. He and Blaine had been a great comfort as they were almost as excited to see the girl as Rachel herself was.

"I take that back now. You look more like a duck." A buss passed them by and she could hear the same sound echoing over the phone. She turned around to look for him with a scowl as the realization dawned on her that he was close enough to see them. People were passing her by like a stream of water flowing around her in their haste to proceed with their shopping.

She quickly found him in the midst of people walking towards her with sunglasses perched on his nose and a broad smile plastered all over his tanned face.

"Oh my, the devil himself," Kurt said in his low trademark sing song voice as he'd turned around with her and also spotted Puck. Rachel hung up the phone and stood to the side to allow people to pass her easily as he approached them.

"Kurt hello. Rach. A sight to be seen," he said mockingly and it was clear he also was bearing some anger towards her still. He didn't take off the sunglasses but instead stood a little off from them forcing the traffic of people to go around him.

"Hello Puckerman," Kurt quipped calmly.

"Puck, " Rachel settled for not feeling he deserved a formal greeting after the insults to her less than a minute earlier. A duck! The sheer audacity! "What do you want?" Why hold onto a sense of civility when clearly he felt it unneeded.

"I'm here to watch you drop our child," he replied without ceremony.

"Okay I'll call you when my water breaks," she huffed hotly and stepped out in the flood of people to continue their shopping.

"Hey! What if I don't make it to the birth then?"

"I'm sure you will. It mostly do take some time for the baby to be dropped all the way out, Puck," she spat back over her shoulder as she set of in a slow waddle Kurt by her side. "Besides I don't want you to see me in there."

"Fuck that. I wanna be there for her."

"Well, she won't be there to be anything for until she's out of me that don't involve seeing me lying there screaming and what not happens in there that room," she said more quietly as to not contract more attention than needed from the people passing them by.

"I wanna be in there when it happens. You can yell at me."

"I don't want to yell at you," she yelled turning around to face him. "I stopped wanting you near me in any kind situations when you fucked me over. So," she took a deep breath to calm herself. "You're not allowed in there and that is my choice and decision alone. Nothing you can do about it. You can come in and see her and hold her when she's out and I'm decent." Puck wanted to scream at her but people were already looking at them and he even spotted a girl with an iPhone out already snapping pictures of them. He grabbed her arm and started to steer her away from the girl and walking made it easier to calm down. He hated it but she did have the right to exclude him from everything that included her only. He wasn't a part of her life just held a claim to their child's life. "Let go of me, Puck." He did but they kept walking down the street.

"We have to talk about a name."

"I already have one picked out."

"You can't just not include me with everything that involves my daughter!"

"I'm not," she hissed. She wanted to storm away but with the almost 20 extra pounds on her small frame, a storm out was a far off possibility and she had to settle for holding her belly tight and waddle as fast as she could to try and shake him off. Puck however wasn't about to give up even the least.

For the last four months he'd been thinking more and more about his child and the cracked relationship between him and Rachel. He knew he'd screwed up with her - from her point of view anyway - and to patch things up would be almost impossible. He'd called her more times than any other person and she'd not once picked up. Now however he had her here in front of him unable to escape and like hell he'd let it all go now.

"No way. This is my baby, too."

"I'm sure it'll be all the same no matter the nam. She's still your daughter." Puck looked like a thunder cloud and she was sure he'd be even more ominous looking did he take off those idiotic glasses and actually look her in the eye but he chose not to and it only angered her even more.

"That's not the point. This is our child and we should make the decisions about it together. Not you alone because you made up your mind I'm an ass."

"It didn't take much to make up my mind and you left it pretty clear that you were," she took in a deep breath to steady herself as she was beginning to feel quite out of breath from stomping along the sidewalk.

"Which has nothing to do with whether I get to partake in the decisions about my child!"

"I don't care. She will be names Madelyn Barbra Berry."

"I want her to at least carry my name as well."

"Fine. Madelyn Barbra Puckerman Berry."

"Berry Puckerman," he challenged. She pondered her options. He clearly wasn't about to leave her in charge of naming their child but he did come up with a good compromise. She despised that her daughter was to be called his name but then again her daughter would most likely love it.

"Okay," she nodded. "Fine. Berry Puckerman."

"Maddy Puckerman. I kinda like that," he smiled feeling like at least she didn't give their baby a silly name. Rachel just wanted to get away from him so she nodded burdened and feeling like she was swimming in sweat. New York was horrible being pregnant in in the summer.

"I need food, Kurt. Now!" Kurt nodded looking a little panicked. He had a feeling if Puck was gonna keep going she'd explode.

"Then let's go hun." Rachel nodded and shot Puck daggers clearly trying to convey that now he was more than excused. He was unfazed.

"I could eat something," he said and Rachel groaned deeply.

"Puck, I meant for Kurt and I to go alone and get food." He nodded with a teasing smile playing on his lips. Rachel turned to Kurt.

"I wanna go to that place." Kurt nodded with a question in his eyes. "Where they have that stupid lasagna. This baby," she turned to Puck this time. "Is craving meat all the time," she said with an accusation in her voice that was unmistakable.

"Good girl," Puck grinned.

Rachel was fuming knowing he was back in New York but her anger seemed to have little effect on her child and as she went to bed in the evening she felt the little person turn inside her seemingly enjoying swimming around inside her pool.

"Are you okay?" Sid's concerned voice called out from the floor when Rachel huffed and sighed for the 100th time since they'd gone to bed. Sid had occupied Rachel's apartment for the last two days to make sure someone was there when her water broke.

"Yes. Just thinking."

"About the father of the little princess?"

"Yes. He's just so!"

"Aren't they all?" Sid asked with her usual humor.

"But who does he think he is?"

"The father," Sid answered with dryness worth an older English gentleman.

"But still."

"Rachel, he does have a say in the name and anything that involves her from now on. Not in anything about you but don't you want him to care about your child? I mean your own mother gave you up. Do you want your baby girl to know those feelings in her life?"

"Of course not!" Rachel cried frustrated. "I just hate the sight of him. How am I supposed to be nice to him and encourage her to love him when I hate him?"

"You don't really hate him, sweetie," Sid said softly.

"Yes, he broke my heart again. I hate him!" Rachel stated with conviction.

"Hate is a strong word," Sid answered quietly. "It's when you wanna have someone blown up limb by limb."

"Lovely picture you're painting."

"I'm just saying; that's what hate is. Hate starts wars, Rach."

"In a minute you'll start reciting Shakespeare or something." Sid laughed a soft laugh that held love and regard for her friend.

"No but sweetie you're still in love with him."

"I hate you now."

"That's a bit dramatic."

"Oh, shut up." Sid laughed again.

"No you shut and start watering your bed so we can get moving in this."

"Once she's out he's in my life forever. We'll always have Maddy."

"Yes. It's easier to love him or at least tolerate him than hate him."

"Who died and made you so clever?" Rachel huffed annoyed.

"Well, you lost your head and put a person inside you so I had to take over steering this boat." Rachel took out the pillow from under her head and banged it down over Sid who started giggling.

As morning came and brought a particularly hot day with it, Rachel woke to the sound of voices in her kitchen. It appeared that it were two people arguing in hushed voices. She sat up with much effort and a heavy sigh.

"Sid?" She glanced at the clock; 7.40. Sid would leave for work soon and Kurt would take over baby watch at 10. Who could Sid be talking to now? She swung her legs out over the edge of the bed with a groan brought on by the sheer effort to manage the task.

"There's tea and breakfast in a minute," Sid called out.

"Okay." Rachel pushed herself off the bed and got to her feet. She was happy she had always kept in shape and was flexible. She padded to the bathroom and gave herself a once over before she sat down to relieve her poor bladder. Voice or no voice her body had needs.

As she wandered back into the bedroom, she picked up a robe before she went out into the kitchen with a sleepy yawn.

"I have to go now. There's someone here for you." Sid was already dressed and hurried out the door as Rachel went into the kitchen. "Byeeeee."

"Bye bye," Rachel called absentmindedly eager to find out who the person in her kitchen were. Turning the corner she stopped instantly feeling anger set the mood.

"What are you doing here?"

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><p><strong><em>What do you think? :)<em>**


	24. Chapter 24

**So I'm feeling inspire these days. Thanks again for you lovely reviews and thanks for the suggestions :D Enjoy! :) **

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><p>"I came with food," Puck offered knowing she'd most likely be torn between hating him and being hungry. "Bagels," he said pointing to the kitchen table with the food on it set out for her with her favorite tea arranged on a tray. She eyed the food and her stomach growled. There was no point in hiding that she was hungry as Maddy did a summersault to tell her she was hungry as well.<p>

"Fine!" she snarled at him. Mimicking a hungry bear she took the tray with food and setting it on her stomach for balance she took a bite of one of the bagels before she headed for the couch. He took in her form from behind as she waddled and a smile graced his lips. She placed the tray on the sofa table and took up her usual place in the sofa switching on the TV for the News doing her best to ignore him.

He followed her a little tenaciously. He was well aware that there might be a screaming match in the making as they both harbored more than a little anger and frustration towards each other. He sat down next to her but she didn't even look at him appearing to be fully engrossed in the TV. He let her eat a bit. Always best to let pregnant women have a full stomach before breaching a subject they most likely would explode over. As she sunk the last bite of food she finally looked at him.

"What did you really come for?"

"To talk. We need to discuss how this is gonna work." She nodded and seemed to think about it for a second.

"I am not moving from New York." He had known that before coming here. She'd stay in New York till she died and no way would he be able to drag her away from it. He nodded. It was a moot point to even argue about it.

"I know but I want to see her like any other father." She shrugged indifferently.

"I never said you couldn't." He felt anger rise at her indifference towards what he felt were his rights and she should want him to want to see their child.

"But you're already making every possible decision you can without me."

"I don't have to involve you in anything till she's born."

"But," he took in a deep breath to steady his temper that was threatening to flare. Yelling would make her even more angry and she'd kick him out. "I want to be a steady part of her life and I have the right to be involved in everything that goes on in her life."

"But you like the name," she stated matter of fact.

"That's not the fucking point, Rachel."

"I haven't made any other decisions without you yet that you can possibly be that angry about." He fell back against the sofa.

"I wanna be there, Rach. Not just some outsider that she sees sometimes. I want her to know me. I don't want it to be like Beth. It took me a long time to build up our relationship. I want this to be natural and I want her to know she can depend on me." Rachel felt her daughter was a lucky girl if he did really mean what he said and would follow through on these big promises but she wasn't sure he'd actually do it when it turned out that he needed to come out here all the time. "But with you fighting me all the way it's gonna get ugly." He had been looking at his hands until now but he looked up and met her gaze with a steady eye. "I will fight with you over every detail but I don't want to. But no way are you getting to keep her to yourself and make me the bad guy in this."

"I'm not keeping you from her!" Rachel nearly screamed at him finally having had enough of him feeling left out. "She's not here yet to be near. And you got to give her your name as well. I don't see what the fuss is?"

"You refused to pick your phone the last 4 months and all I got was a due date."

"You seriously expected me to want you around while I was pregnant after what you did?" She looked incredulously at him disbelief written all over her face. Did he really not think he was in the wrong with her?

"I didn't do anything to you."

"No? Having a girlfriend in LA not doing something?" She snarked hotly.

"We broke up," he answered her as calmly as he could.

"But not till after you'd been with me that night. Why do that? To prove you could have me? To prove you're a stud? That you can get anyone you want?" She could barely control her voice she was so angry and that hurt from his actions was welling up. "Or just because I was a better fuck?" His face crumbled for a second at her last question and for a moment she was sure she read regret in his light brown eyes.

"No. I did because I wanted you."

"But without regard or respect for me as a person to tell me you had a girlfriend in LA?" He sighed in frustration and ran a hand through his hair.

"We were ending. I was supposed to go see her in LA but I flew out here because we had a big fight and she told me to go fuck myself. So I came here to see you."

"Still doesn't explain why you seduced me. Told me you wanted to be there for me? Told me you wanted to fight for me? Why say that if you didn't mean it?" He got to his feet and Rachel felt it was a déjà vu from the last time except she didn't mind if he left now. In fact she would be relieved if he did. It was easier to just be herself with her friends that she knew were there for her. He was nothing but confusion in her life and heart. He didn't deserve her time or love.

"I felt it. I didn't feel that with Alice. She was always so," he could see on her face talking about his ex wasn't a scoring him any points. "We were too different. You and I aren't."

"Why not just tell me you had to end it with her first? Wouldn't that be the mature thing to do? Not make me the whore on the side." He paced the room annoyed and frustrated.

"I was angry with her," he finally admitted to her. "I wasn't thinking clearly at the time. I just knew when I saw you again I wanted you all over."

"So you treated me like shit because you were angry with her?" He had hadn't he? He looked at her beautiful face with those once to trusting and always hopeful eyes. She looked so grown up and serious now. He didn't bear the full blame but he had hurt her and along with more than just one other idiot he had taught her not to trust men. Her mistrust written all over her face right now. He felt sad and angry with himself to have done this to her.

"You could just have picked up the phone. I tried to call you all the time." Oh the joy of pride, he mentally chided himself. He should say he was sorry but the words refused to leave his mouth.

"I think the text you sent said it all," she said quietly before gathering her strength. "I think this is pointless." She got to her feet with effort and faced him with a determined expression. "You're a part of Maddy's life but you're not a part of mine. You made it clear that you don't respect me and I don't need that in my life." She picked up the tray and went into the kitchen with slow moments. She felt drained already and the day had only just begun. My god she wanted Maddy to get a move on in there. Her belly was hanging low now and she could feel the little person in there lying heavy at the lower parts of her abdomen.

"But-"

"No buts Puck," she cut him off impatiently and eager for him to give this up and leave. "It's over. You blew it."

"I'm not gonna blow it with Maddy," he said with conviction. She turned to look at him with a grave face.

"I hope not or I'll cut your balls off with my straight irons."


	25. Chapter 25  5 years later

**Thanks as always for your reviews! And for all others that read my story of course I haven't been able to update as my horse has been sick Long trip to the vet where we had to unload him at a gas station with trucks all around and they were fixing a roof. Thank God I have the most sensible horse in the world!**

**Anyways, I jumped a bit and it's a bit smutty. Enjoy!**

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><p>Madelyn Barbra Puckerman Berry was born on the 27th of June at 18.21 after a mere 3 hours in labor. The little girl screamed like she'd been kicked and looked around the room with big accusing eyes until she saw her mother and she screamed even more as if to say; 'This is all your fault.' Rachel didn't care about the screaming or her baby's accusing eyes, she took the baby and wowed to spend the rest of her life protecting and loving the child.<p>

Maddy's first 5 years were spend doing what most kids did; worry their parents to death. The little girl showed no talent for singing or interesting in dancing but instead loved to climb everything but had the unfortunate habit of falling down as well earning her an intimate relationship with the nurses at the nearest ER. Rachel often grew weary with her daughter after hours in the emergency room with a broken arm, leg, foot, cuts and bruises that had people look at them with accusing eyes and even when Rachel or Maddy herself told what had happened. The accusation didn't vanish but only grew in their eyes. The typical question was; 'How did you get up there?' Rachel was used to it by the time Maddy managed to climb the balcony fence and fell back onto the hard floor and earned herself a concussion for the 4th time that year.

Despite Maddy's monkeylike behavior and lack of talent in the theatricals she was an unbelievably smart kid. She could read when she was three and at the age of five she read children's books on her own. Rachel was astounded her daughter was so little like either of her parents but it made no dent in her love for her of course.

Puck stayed true to his word and made sure he was there as much as Rachel would let him the first 2 years to establish a solid relation to his daughter. After the first two years he started working more however but called Maddy every day to tell her how much he missed her and loved her. When Maddy was three Rachel gave in and took a vacation with Puck to a film set so Maddy could see what her daddy did. Rachel tried to stay away from Puck as much as she could but it was kinda hard when Maddy wanted to be around her dad all the time with her mom.

When Maddy was four Rachel had to work all summer and Puck picked her up in New York and took her home to Lima to see their parents and then on to LA to vacation in the sun and glory of Malibu where Puck had his house.

It was in the middle of March now and Puck was sitting on the front row of the Minskoff Theater with Maddy next to him. She was finding it hard to sit still in her seat. The show was about to start and even Puck felt a jab of excitement. The light went out and Maddy bit her lip to stay quiet. Puck grabbed her hand and she looked up at him her big brown eyes filled with excitement that made him smile. Her curls were unruly and framed her face making her look every bit like she was; filled with spirit and always trying to figure out her next move.

A soft hum of voices set the stage as the curtain was raised to reveal a street in New York with rain pouring down on a small form walking down the street. Rachel.

"Mummy," Maddy whispered quietly to him and he nodded. A soft melodic and melancholy tune accompanied the choir and Rachel began to sing. It gave him goose bumps and he couldn't drag his eyes from her.

This was her and Kurt's show. The two had managed to write the musical "Rain Day." They'd used a lot of Rachel's music and written so much more the whole of Rachel's apartment in the end had been swimming with sheet music. They'd written the story together and in the end managed to convince a producer it was the best thing to put on Broadway. They'd worked so hard for this Puck knew. The whole of last summer had been the process of writing as well as selling the idea.

He'd seen most of the show in pieces and Maddy knew all the songs by heart but seeing it all together on the stage was amazing. He almost cried. The story was a mix of Rachel's own and Kurt's mixed in a murder mystery. He'd never expected her to make this big but standing there on her stage with her own play he knew she was meant for it. She had it all and she gave herself so fully to it. She out shined every other cast member. This was big and he knew this musical would be a big thing. He'd hoped it for her all along but he hadn't been sure until he'd now.

Maddy was completely engrossed in the show for once sitting still and just watching the show. Even she wasn't musically verbally (yet) she loved to see either of her parents sing or perform. She'd watched any of his movies and she knew every song of Rachel's by heart.

As the musical ended every person in the room stood and applauded the cast for what felt like forever. Puck lifted Maddy up so she could see up and Rachel caught her daughter's eye and her smile grew from a proud one to a loving one. She waved to Maddy who beamed so brightly at her mother the lady next to them turned to the child and smiled as well.

They waited a while until they could go back stage to congratulate Rachel and Kurt and Maddy spent the time putting her ear to Sid's very pregnant belly. James wasn't able to be there that night but even if Sid's water could break any minute now she refused to miss her best friend's opening despite the one hour drive to the hospital closest to Sid and James's home. Sid had managed to persuade James New York wasn't all it was cracked up to be and they'd bought a small farm stead about two hours drive from New York where they had about 15 horses as Sid had always wanted to breed. Maddy loved to go ride there and Rachel or Puck would always make sure she went out there least once a week.

"I wanna have a little sister or brother, too," Maddy said and gave Puck an accusing look. She'd been plaguing him to get Rachel pregnant for ages. In fact she'd been plaguing him to get it on with Rachel since she could form a sentence. Maddy couldn't understand why they didn't and not at all why her family was a broken one. She picked up on Rachel's reluctance towards Puck and often tried to talk to either of them about it. She really couldn't fathom how they didn't love each other when they both loved her.

"One day maybe kiddo," Puck said like he'd said a million of times. He'd given up on getting Rachel to come around. He'd done everything he could to reach her, make up for his idiocy and try to get her to understand he was the one for her but she was too stubborn to open up or let him close. He felt happy when she seemed to stop hating him and the first she called him to tell him something about Maddy he felt elated. It was a huge step that had taken her three years to get to.

She'd had a few stray boyfriends but when it was time to get serious she backed out. They couldn't meet Maddy or get close to her. He'd had one serious girlfriend since Maddy's birth but he often hooked up to fulfill his needs.

Maddy sighed at him and gave Sid a pleading look. Sid was most likely Maddy's favorite person and the two had a connection that nether Puck or Rachel could seem to understand but Puck had the idea that Maddy was a lot like Sid hence the good connection the two shared.

Sid shrugged and took Maddy's hand and placed it on her belly.

"He'd kicking here." Maddy smiled as her hand was moved by the baby.

"It's amazing." Amazing was her newest word and she used it about everything nearly driving Puck insane. He'd been in New York up to the premiere to take care of Maddy as Rachel prepared for the opening. Rachel and he both agreed that as little time with a nanny was the best for Maddy so they tried to coordinate their schedules to be able to create as normal a life for Maddy. Puck had bought an apartment in the same building as Rachel making it easier for them all. "I can't wait to see him." Sid smiled down at Maddy.

"Me too. He's getting damn heavy," she laughed.

"Was mummy as big with me?"

"No, not as big but she did make good room for you," Sid answered with an affectionate smile as she remembered the time when Rachel had been pregnant. What a mess back then. Finally the theater emptied and they made their way up to see Rachel. Maddy knew the place as well as her own apartment by now and confidently navigated the way up to her mother's dressing room.

Rachel was sitting at the stool looking at herself in the mirror but she turned the second the door opened and she gave them all her 1000 watt smile as Maddy ran to her. Rachel picked her up in a big hug.

"Did you like the show?" Maddy nodded.

"Yes! It was amazing!" She laced her fingers in Rachel's hair like she'd done since she was a baby and Rachel gave her a kiss on the forehead.

"Thank you, sweetie."

"Are we still having breakfast together tomorrow?" Rachel nodded. It felt like forever since she'd sat down with Maddy and just had a normal meal. She'd been so busy working but tomorrow morning was for her daughter come hell or high water. Only reason to break it was if they had to go see Sid at the hospital. Rachel looked at her friend who smiled widely.

"It was awesome!" Sid beamed. "Like I knew it would be." Puck nodded.

"It really was, Rach," he agreed. She gave him a proud smile.

"Thank you," she said softly and held his eye a little longer before she looked back at Sid. "Aren't you about to die?" Sid nodded.

"God I want him out now! Like right now." Rachel laughed.

"I remember that feeling all too well." Maddy placed her head on her mother's shoulder. She was clearly tired now. She loved to place her head near Rachel chest or neck to listen to her voice when she talked. She almost always fell asleep that way.

"Lemme take her. We should get home." Rachel nodded a little reluctant. She knew she had to at least make an appearance at the party but she really just wanted to go home and tuck in Maddy. Sing her to sleep and sit in front of the TV and relax. That would have to be some other night she thought with regret. Her daughter was getting big and she wanted to enjoy every moment but she also wanted to make it big and that means a few sacrifices on the part of her child. She loved her job but she felt torn between it and her want to see her child. She couldn't hold the small sigh back when Puck took Maddy from her.

"Goodnight honey," Rachel said and gave her a kiss. "I'll see you in the morning. Sleep well and be nice to daddy." Maddy nodded. She was used to this and it tore at Rachel. The only reason it was bearable was because Puck took her home and tugged her in. She wouldn't have been able to live with it being a nanny. A child needed her parents.

"I wanna sleep at home," Maddy protested as Puck was about to say goodnight.

"It is home at Daddy's," Rachel said not really understanding the demand.

"No, our home," the girl specified. "So when I wake up I can come sleep with you." Rachel hesitated and gave Puck a questioningly look. It wasn't up to her if he wanted to spend the night at her apartment. Puck looked a little hurt the girl didn't wanna sleep in his apartment.

"Look how about I pick you up really early?" Maddy shook her head.

"No. I wanna sleep in my bed," she stated stubbornly. Rachel didn't want to throw it all over at Puck.

"But honey daddy lived just across the hall. You can call me when you wake up," Rachel countered. Maddy stuck her lower lip out in a demanding pout.

"No. I wanna sleep in my bed," she repeated with conviction.

"Fine," Puck gave in seeing there was no arguing with her now. "We'll sleep at mom's. I can take the couch. For one night," he emphasized. Maddy smiled tiredly.

"Okay," she agreed.

They left right after with Sid wishing her a fun night and congrats on her well earned success.

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><p>Rachel was more than a little drunk as she stumbled out of the cab and into her building giggling to herself as she climbed the stair clumsily. She had had too much fun being praised and one drink had taken the other as the night progressed. It was almost 4 o'clock by now and she really wanted to get home. She fumbled with the lock and dropped the keys to floor. As she bent down to pick them up she bumped her on the door and drew back with a pathetic squeak. She lost her balance as she reached for her head to rub the sore stop and sat down on her butt with another squeak of helplessness.<p>

She took in a deep breath to steady and gather herself to get back up. She decided she should pick up the keys first and as she shooted close to the door still her ass she found it would most likely be easier to also unlock it while seated. She could only just reach and she managed to get the key in they lock and turn the it. But the door swung in with her attached to the key and she was half dragged half crawled inside bumping her knee on the threshold.

She squeaked again and as she let go of the door she lost her balance for the second time and landed in a heap on the floor holding her knee.

"God Rachel. Try to be quiet," Puck's voice disturbed her from above.

"I hurt my knee," she whined. "Hurts." She looked up as innocent as she could and he sighed sitting down in front of her.

"You're too drunk to feel it," he said with a tired and annoyed voice.

"Am not," she countered. "Only a lil' bit drunk," she slurred. He raised an eyebrow at her and she bit her lip. She sat up fully and reorganized her legs before she tried to stand. He let her try on her own but she had to give up not even trying to use her arms and fell back down to a sitting position. "Okay…maybe a little drunk," She gave in and he offered her his hand. She took it and he realized it was almost a year since he'd actually touched her without Maddy being near. Last time was a hug when Maddy had fallen off the horse and broken her arm as well as getting a concussion and the doctor had suggested maybe the girl should be minded better. She's been crushed by the harsh remarks and the fact that her daughter was hurt and in pain. He'd stepped in and hugged her; comforting her. It had been a rare moment of weakness and she'd thanked him by being telling him she was sorry she'd been like that and seemed even more distant for weeks.

But now she stood swayed slightly and she didn't let go of his hand but instead stood there looking at him. Her brown eyes searching his and actually looking at him for what felt like an eternity. She seemed to be thinking hard unable to make up her mind about what to do now. He realized she was looking at his lips and back up to his eyes and slightly parting her own. Was she giving him the go sign? Fuck she shouldn't do this. He knew it was a bad idea to give into Maddy's idea in the first place and sleep here. He knew they shouldn't but fuck time had only made her more beautiful and she was the mother of his child not to mention that he loved her and had for years. The small ember that was his hope for her to one day give in and realize he was the one didn't need much to grow to a flame. No one would or could ever compare to her even if he'd tried to fill that void she left in him. He had wanted as much to be near her as Maddy when he bought the apartment in the same building as them. He stepped in close to her; testing her. She didn't move merely looked up towards him with big eyes expectant and searching.

"Noah-" it was all he needed to hear. She finally called him Noah again. It was so rare she did he was sure he could count the time on one hand. He swallowed what else she wanted to say in a hungry kiss closing the door behind them to press her up against it.

His want for her burned inside him. You'd think five years would dull it douse it down. It wasn't like that for him. Five years being the father of their child only made it harder to stay away from her, harder to let go again and again and accept she didn't want him. It had hurt like hell over the years but she was here now returning his feverish kisses with the same hunger and want.

She wrapped her arms around his neck fisting his hair with her left hand clinging to him desperate for as much contact she could get. He pressed her even more into her letting her know how turned on he already was. She groaned into his mouth and rubbed herself back against him. He didn't have time for anything right now and he felt like a teenager again when he grabbed her dress and pushed it up her legs to gain access to her sex. He tore her panties from her body and she merely whimpered with want. She was already wet and ready for him. She returned the gesture by pushing his boxers down letting his erection spring free and she grabbed it without any hesitation. She pumped him with surprisingly soft strokes using her thumb to rub his string. He bit her neck in small teasing bites which made her pump faster.

"God woman, you're going to kill me." He attacked her lips and rocked into her hand. He searched out her sex and smiled against her lips as she moaned into his mouth from the first touch. "Been a while?" She was too drunk to make out the teasing and just nodded setting a rhythm with her hips against his fingers. He soon lost patience and lifted her up positioning himself at her entrance. "Ready?" He breathed against her ear. Her response was to tip her hips towards him and he slipped halfway in eliciting a deep moan from her. He covered her mouth with his to quiet her down. He really didn't want Maddy to wake up right now that he was finally getting lucky with her.

He set a slow rhythm at first but she really wasn't having any of it and set a faster one against him with a disgruntled huff.

"Faster, Noah…please…" There was nothing he could do but obey when she begged and he picked up the pace. He knew he'd only last a few minutes in this pace but she didn't seem to care at all scratching at him and constantly changing between whimpers and moans. The sounds were making him insane. They were so damn sexy he was going to lose it even faster.

"Rub yourself baby." She did as told and quickly started to thrash and moan louder. He caught her lips. "Shhh, don't wake Maddy." She wanted to giggle but she was too turned on to master both and instead she sucked up his lip to keep herself from moaning out loud again. It had been forever since she'd been with anyone and it felt like heaven. One thing you could always count with Puck was a good fuck. Many a time had she thought about him and his skills either on her own or when her others lovers bored her.

He somehow managed to quicken the pace again and it pushed her other edge. He only managed to hold on a few more strokes before he grunted his release into her neck. He sucked on it to be as quiet as possible.

"Fuck babe…" He nipped at her neck letting her scent intoxicate his senses. She smiled lazily and squeezed his cock still buried inside her and he gave her a playful bite.

"I don't think I can wear this dress again," she said with amusement in her voice.

"Why not? I love it," he grinned and pulled back so he could see her face. She lifted an eyebrow at him and chuckled. She pushed slightly at him wanting to get down on her own two feet and off the cold door.

"Sleep," she yawned. He set her down gently and the dress slid down over her legs smoothly. He realized she was pretty much fully dressed but he was naked. He had the sense to pick up her panties and his boxers slipping the boxers on as she followed her to the bedroom.

Inside the room she stopped with her back to him waiting for him to get the hint. He stepped in behind her brushing her hair to the side and placing a kiss on her shoulder before unzipping her. The dressed fell to the floor with a soft swhoosh and pooled around her leaving her fully naked. He reached around her eager to feel more than at the door. He cupped her breasts flicking a nipple on the left one which made her arch her back and let her head roll back onto his chest.


	26. Chapter 26

**As always; thanks for the reviews! You rock! :D I have taken the time to write at bit on my other story so this one took a back seat while I figured out what to do with it. But here's the next chapter. Enjoy :)**

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><p>He woke first as her long hair tickled his face. He thought he was used to sleeping alone and the fact that only a few women out of all the ones he'd slept with actually had been allowed to stay the night didn't help to make him think he'd be good at it. But waking up with a hand on her hip his leg entangled with hers and his nose more or less buried in her shoulder, he felt maybe he wasn't the worst person in the world to cuddle.<p>

Despite the warm and almost fuzzy feeling he also had another feeling about all of this; she'd be pissed like nothing else. She'd been plastered and drunk off her little beautiful ass and he'd given in. Even more he initiated it. She'd done her best to show him how little she wanted him as a part of her life over the past few years but didn't last night mean something? She wasn't particularly loose when drunk from what he'd heard. It had to mean something that she'd let him take her to bed.

He sighed and fought off his want to be closer to her. It hurt like hell but fuck it if he'd give her yet another reason to brush him off and tell him to dream on. He sat up slowly unwilling to let go of her warm and soft body. He wasn't the lingering type and he hated feeling like this. He wasn't the clingy type. He was the one to let go. What the fuck was so special about her?

One look at her sleeping form and he knew it. She was Rachel. A whirlwind of personality, talent, low self esteem and temper mixing in with so much determination and ambition she could win wars by sheer will alone if she set her mind to it.

There were much hotter and sexier girls and women out in the world but none like her. No one who had it all like she did. None he loved like he loved her.

He couldn't help himself as his hand travelled up her leg memorizing every detail of how she felt under his finger tips and the palm of his hand. Her skin was silky smooth, warm and soft. Reaching her hip she stirred a bit and a soft sleepy moan escaped her lips as she turned towards him seemingly seeking his touch as she rolled onto her back. What little of the cover had covered her slender form slid off and she was lying next to him fully naked and exposed to him. What was a man to do?

His mind told him to stop. To get out before this blew up in his face and it would take another 2-3 years before she'd talk him about anything else but their child. His fingers didn't listen. They continued their slow exploratory investigation of her body. It had been so long and such a short romance they'd shared what seemed a lift time away now.

Softly pressing on her ribcage he continued up over her breast letting each breast weight in his hand for a few seconds before he moved on to her neck. There were more than one love bite on it and he knew she'd freak out about that as well. He could almost envision her now screaming at him, flustered and angry. She was sexy like that. But over the years she'd learnt a new tactic; indifference. Her slow rage masked by indifference was the worst thing life had taught her. He hated it. He preferred the hot bursts of anger. The real emotion instead of the hidden and passive-aggressive injections of spite.

He bent down unsure of why or what he wanted to do but it seemed his body had a will of its own when he laced his mouth to an erect nipple and she arched up seeking more contact. He bit down lightly knowing she was sensitive and didn't need much teasing eliciting a muffled moan from her. He could feel her waking instinctively as her movements became more stiff and aware of what was going on. He prepared himself for the bloodbath knowing there was no way in hell he'd get out of this one alive.

Rachel felt him move next to her. Felt his hand and his gaze in her half state of sleep. She knew it was him but she was sure if it was a dream or real. Hazy memories played in her mind egging the fantasy she was sure she was having on. It felt so real. When he bit down on her nipple it seemed like her consciousness wanted more control of this race and she reluctantly started to wake up. Only the feeling of real became just that; real. There was someone there with her.

She blinking her eyes open unsure if she really wanted to know who the person in her bed was. Did she really drag someone home from the party? Was she even home? She felt sure she was. She remembered saying goodnight to everybody still at the party but she left alone. Didn't she?

She found it hard to focus on the dark hair looming over her chest. He was too close to really make out much at this fuzzy stage of awakening but there was something familiar about him. Then it hit her; his cologne! She knew exactly who it was and she froze. What on earth had happened from the time she left the party till now? How had he ended up in her bed?

He didn't want to let go but he knew he had to. She was all stiff and it was evident she was awake and on the brink of a panic attack. He knew this was over before he even looked up and saw the horror in his eyes. She looked scared and in chock. Not the feeling you'd hope for in the love of your life's eyes when she woke up to find you in her bed.

His heart sank and he pulled back not saying a word. None were really needed were they?

She opened her mouth to say something but he held up a hand.

"Don't bother."

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><p>He'd left her! She was furious. Well, now she was anyway. She'd been too hung over to even muster anything but self pity and the great need for water till now. Maddy had soon got up and demanded their usual morning routine and Rachel had let go of her awakening this morning to focus on some quality time with her.<p>

But now it was evening and she'd just finished the show and she was boiling. No great reviews or praise could eradicate the feeling of his self inflicted rejection being a rejection of her as well. He'd picked up Maddy at 3 as agreed but when she wanted to talk to him he'd just said he and Maddy a date and she'd have to wait. She didn't have the time to throw a tantrum and she hadn't wanted to in front of Maddy but she was gonna rip him a new one when she saw him next.

Only problem was; it was his weekend. She'd have to wait till Monday or Tuesday. But how could he do this? He'd been pining for her since forever and then when he had her he just left? No goodbye or explanation just an assumption of how she'd feel.

Leaving the theater she took the time to write some autographs but her mind was miles away. What was she going to say to him? Did she even want to open this can of worms? She'd done all she could to keep him away but the feeling of him walking away had a different bite to it. He had left her and not for the first time. After five years she'd have thought he'd want to hold onto this should she ever give in. But even five years later she was still wrong. You would have thought she'd be good at it by now but the only thing she had actually done was refuse to get close to anyone not learn when to see or recognize the signals of being fooled.

She decided to walk for a bit letting her mind wander. Maybe she should pretend not to care? Wouldn't that deflate his ego? Wouldn't that be a better plan if she wanted to get even with him? Pretend it didn't matter to her at all that he got up and left. Like she'd pretended so many other things hadn't mattered to her.

She sighed tired and confused. What was it with that guy?

Entering their building she climbed the familiar stairs. She'd lived there for 2 years now and loved the building. It was close to the theater and there was room enough for her and Maddy in the spacious and light rooms. She had been torn when Puck moved in next to them. She knew Maddy loved it but over the years she found his company hard.

She'd let go of him and any hope that one day he could love her like she needed. And more so she'd given up she could let him. She didn't feel broken any more but she felt chipped. Like a corner had been broken off forever. Her innocence and the trust in men were gone and she'd accepted that about herself. But even if she knew she felt that way and there was nothing she could do to change that having him there stirred unwanted feelings in her. He was sexy as always and he was the loving father of her child. The more he did with Maddy the more she loved him for it but she refused to fall in love with him.

She stopped for a moment in front his door. She could hear music and she was sure they were singing and dancing around like they did a lot. Maddy loved to move anyway she could and she loved to hear her father sing and Puck was a happy to oblige her.

She gave the door a last look and with a sigh of disappoint she turned to her own door. No one was waiting for her tonight.

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><p>For a day or two she worried he'd got her pregnant again and she was going absolutely crazy counting every birth control pill and going over every detail she could remember. She was sick all the time and it was about a month after they'd slept together. First she was angry beyond anything acting like diva and yelling at everybody demanding strange things and getting on anyone's back should they mess up while throwing up and feeling sick when no one saw.<p>

When she got her period on her second day of throwing up she realized maybe she'd been PMSing like a bitch but was still without any explanation as to why her body was rejecting any food she got. On her third night of vomiting she almost passed out on stage feeling so dizzy she could barely remember the lyrics and Kurt pulled her aside during the intermission.

"What on earth is up with you?" he asked hushed but anger laced with worry evident in his words. She shook her head.

"I have no idea. I feel…" she trailed off and bolted for the nearest toilet emptying her already empty stomach. He followed her uncaring that she tried to push him away when he pulled her hair from her sweaty face.

"Honey, you're sick."

"No," she protested as she panted into the bowl. "I'm fine."

"That's not fine, Rachel," he said with a hard voice. "Tara will go on. You're going home." He sounded so hard and determined. She wanted to tell him she could go on but really she couldn't. She had tried to hydrate herself but she felt horrible. Her whole body was covered in a small sheen of sweat at all times and her stomach hurt all the time as well. She really did want to go home and just lie in her bed darkness around her where she could just be sick. She nodded defeated and didn't move. "Puck have Maddy?" Rachel nodded.

"Yeah I have her tomorrow."

"Good. I'd take you home but…"

"Show must go on…" She answered weakly but still with a bit of drama in her voice. Sick or not she was still Rachel Berry.

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><p>She woke the next morning and she felt awful! Her whole body was sore and every joint hurt from even the smallest movement. She felt like she was dying. She groaned as she sat up having to hold onto her head to keep it from spinning. The only positive thing was she didn't feel like hurling right now. Her stomach gave a faint jolt of pain but nothing like the last few days she noted.<p>

A knock on the door made her whimper in pain as it felt like her head was about to explode. She managed to stand and locate her robe. She groaned even louder when she had to wrap it around herself and the short rush of cold air made her shiver. She could barely make her feet walk to the door and when the person on the other side knocked Rachel wanted to cry.

She finally reached the door. The door handle felt like ice picks against her hand. She wanted to let go but again the knocker knocked.

"Mummy?" Maddy's little voice called out. Rachel opened the door to reveal Maddy and Puck. Maddy was holding her overnight bag and the second the door was open enough she ran to Rachel's leg and hugged it. Rachel wanted to get Maddy off but she couldn't push her own child away. She settled for placing a hand on her head.

"Wow," Puck said and she winced. "You look like shit."

"Thanks," she bit back at him. "What do you want?"

"Here with your daughter," he reasoned not letting her snappy mood get to him. "You really look like hell."

Maddy let go of her mother to give her dad an accusing look.

"Maddy can you go put your stuff in your room?" Rachel asked as calmly as she could fighting nausea and her pounding head.

"Okay. Bye daddy. Love you," she said and ran to her room.

"Now you've done what you had to so get lost," Rachel said the second Maddy was out of earshot.

"Hold on," Puck objected. "No reason to be like that."

"I feel like I look so I am really not in the mood to deal with you and your antics," Rachel stated matter of fact moving to close the door but he stopped her pressing his hand against the door.

"Hey," he injected making her stop with the effort and close her eyes asking God for the strenght to deal with him. "You can't take care of Maddy when you're like that." She felt offended and hurt right away.

"Not take care of her? What do you mean?"

"You're sick."

"So?"

"You need to be taken care of and so does she."

"Is she sick?" She felt worried immediately and he rolled his eyes at her. It was clear she was pretty under the weather.

"No you are." Rachel nodded like she only just understood now but then furrowed her brow again and opened her mouth to ask a question but instead she started to cough. She bent over trying to cough and breathe at the same time. She tried to lean on the door but it gave way and he had to quickly step forward and catch. He pulled her up to him just as she stopped coughing. She stood for a second getting her breath back.

"I'm fine," she tried meekly but he wasn't buying into it as she placed his hand on her forehead. She was sticky and hot no doubt running a fever.

"No you're not. You have a fever. Bed. Now."

"But Maddy…"

"We'll be here."

"No," she looked up a strange mix of neediness and anger. How did she manage to express two emotions at once? He mused.

She couldn't muster any other protest already feeling like she'd run a marathon standing here. She was cold and hot at the same time. Her skin standing on end to make her uncomfortable and all she wanted to do was crawl back to bed and sleep but no way was she gonna give him the satisfaction of saving her. He shook his head at her and then with a tired sigh simply picked her up and started to carry her to the bedroom. She squealed at first in surprise but then anger took over and she started to protest. "Puck you can't do this!"

"Stop being so stubborn. You need to get better and being up and about with Maddy isn't gonna help you."

"I don't need your help," she almost screamed at him an angry tear rolling down her cheek. "I don't want you here. You left me – again!" He'd made it to the bedroom but stopped in the door looking down at her. She was looking up at him anger, fear and hurt echoed in every feature. He hated seeing her cry. He really did. It broke his heart beyond repair every time. Her sorrow was his even if she only let him see it rarely like this. She was the type to wear her emotions inside out and he read her like a book whenever something was bothering her but she'd rarely own up to it to him whether he asked or not. The few words cut at him. He had left hadn't he? Again.

He hadn't been able to get the look from her face off his mind. The way she's looked at him like she'd just woken up with an alien in her bed. She'd looked at him like that. It had torn him apart and was again now. Her anger and resentment and hurt. She was crying over him – again. Why couldn't they just have their happy ending?

He blinked slowly and then set her down. She swayed and he grabbed into her immediately keeping her steady.

"Why?" she whispered her eyes searching his face for the answer they were always searching for. How many times had she looked up at him and thought the same question in her mind? She'd stopped counting now. He was a force nature like bad weather in her life and yet she burned to be near him. She wanted him as far from her as she could but despite her annoyance of his presence she felt an appeased satisfaction that he kept coming back so she could tell him to leave. It was a destructive pattern and she knew she should stop and move on but she couldn't. No one compared to even her hate for him. The emotional rise she got from him in any interaction with him topped the placid relations she'd had with other men.

He shook his head.

"Not now."

"Yes now," she demanded in a low but determined voice.

"I can't tell you," he whispered back as he raised his hand to wipe a tear from her cheek. He couldn't let her know how much it had hurt him when she'd looked up at him like she had. He'd hoped taking her to bed would be the end of this long drought between them. The water to extinguish her hate but she'd looked disgusted. He swallowed as a lump in his throat formed making it almost unbearable to even look at her. "You need to sleep, Rachel," he said with more conviction. "I'll take care of Maddy." He let go of her and left her so fast she almost fell. He didn't wait for her protest but went directly to Maddy's room and closed the door.

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><p><strong>Duh-dun! So I did - yet again - break them up, ha ha. Sorry. I just love the dynamic of will they- won't they. Lemme me know what you think and thanks for reading :)<strong>


	27. Chapter 27

**Thanks you all for you reviews! it means the world to me you take the time to let me know what you think of this story :) **

**This is short but I'm sick and looking at the screen makes my eyes hurt...Enjoy! :)**

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><p>She slept for the rest of the day unable to do anything else. At the end of the evening she was feverish still and coughing so much she couldn't sleep. She sat up feeling confused and disoriented. Soft sounds from the living room came through the half open door. He must have been in here to check on her. She shivered from being cold but felt the sweat roll down her back.<p>

She had to pee and swung her legs over the edge of the bed setting them on the floor. It felt like stepping onto a frozen lake and she groaned. How could she feel like this and not be dying?

She made it to the bathroom and sitting down on the toilet she whimpered. Everything felt cold to her heated skin and even something as simple as peeing felt like dying all over.

Coming back to the bedroom she didn't really want to back to bed. She was tired of lying down and she was even more tired of coughing but Puck was out there. She decided she had to go see him at some point anyways. She might as well feel like shit when it happened. Might keep them from yelling at each other. She waddled out to the living room. Puck was sitting on the couch alone watching TV flipping thought the channels. He seemed restless and unable to settle on something to watch.

She tried to be quiet but half holding her breath she started to cough instead and he flew up.

"Fuck Rach," he cried. She lifted her hand in an apology as she was unable to tell him she hadn't meant to startle him. He got up and walked over to her. "You want something to eat? I made pasta." She tried to shake her head no. She really wasn't hungry but he ignored her. "You need to eat, baby." She stopped coughing regaining her breath. His eyes were soft and full of care.

"I'm not hungry."

"You need food to get better. Kurt called. Said your understudy did well," he countered with a teasing tone. She furrowed her brow. She hated someone was doing well in her role. "I thought so. Better get you back on your feet quick." He left her standing and went into the kitchen as he continued talking. "Maddy is in bed. She missed you today but she understood you're sick. We took a walk in the park but mostly stayed here to keep an eye on you." She could hear him move around with plates and went to out to see what he was doing.

"My throat hurts," she said meekly. He looked up and seemed to think.

"Want some soup instead? Maddy thought you should have that." She nodded.

"Sure. Thanks." He found the stuff for her as she watched him. A question was burning on her lips and before she could stop herself it slipped out.

"Why couldn't you tell me why you left?" he stopped what he was doing and looked up at her. Her hair was tousled, her eyes red and puffy and her nose brimmed red as well. She looked like shit but to him she never looked more real and more herself. He shook his head. He really didn't want to tell her. It made him look like a sappy idiot. "If you don't tell me..." she trailed off to gather her thought and cough. "Then this will never be anything else." Straight to the point he thought a little taken back. Was she saying what he thought she was? He searched her face; she looked determined and clear on her point. She offered him a stick to hold onto and pull himself back onto shore.

"You looked like you'd seen a monster." Simple and true but no sappy feelings crap. She nodded dropping her gaze to his hands.

"I didn't mean to," she rasped hoarsely a far cry from the diva on stage. "But I was a bit surprised to find you in my bed." She gave a small cough. "I never thought we'd ever…you know again. I thought we were all over except for Maddy."

"Really?" She dared to look up at him. He gave her a hard stare. "I've been trying to get you to get over the shit that happened back when you were pregnant. It's been long enough and I know you want me!" He raised his voice and she backed up a step away from him. "Don't look like that. We both know we're perfect for each other. I screwed up but ever since then I've done everything to be a good father and I've been there the few times you let me," he took in a deep breath. "Fuck, I love you Rachel." She was taken back. She knew he'd tried to get close but love her? Her mind was finding it hard to process the information.

"Noah…I don't…" She hesitated as he took a step closer to her closing the distance between them.

"No, don't Noah me…stop denying it, Rach, or rationalize. I know you feel something for me. Just admit it." She knew she was gonna cry if he didn't stop. She'd kept it all to herself for so long she could barely tell if this was love. She knew she felt something for him but what if it was just the feelings of a mother who loved that her child had a good father? She sniffed. She was too sick to deny anything right now.

"Noah," she looked down trying to find the words that rang true in her ears as well as reflect her heart.

"What will take for you to at least give this a try?" He could see she was conflicted.

"I just feel really sick," she finally admitted. "I don't know how I feel right now 'cos just talking hurt." He couldn't help the smile as he softly placed his arms around her pulling her into a comforting hug.

"Okay. Food and then join me on the couch?" She nodded against him. It felt so nice. She drew in a deep sigh and closed her eyes. "I'll get you better."


	28. Chapter 28

**I'm sorry it took this long to update. Unfortunately my horse is sick, it took forever for me to get better and exams are over me. So buhoo for me.**

**Anyways, thanks for your reviews and for reading – as always. You guys are awesome! Enjoy! Finally some fluff, he he.**

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><p>She'd fallen asleep again almost instantly after eating a few spoons of soup. He didn't mind. She was lying up against him, her head had at first rested against his shoulder, her body tugged protectively under his arm but as she'd slipped into sleep she'd turned over and lied down fully stretching her body out. Her head was now resting on his thigh and he couldn't stop letting his hands run through her silky locks. It was both odd and so familiar to do this. This was so unlike her. No drama , no heated argument. He was partly dreading when she got better and had the energy to be herself again. What would she do? Would this have a happy ending? He looked down at her sleeping form and a smile tugged at his lips even if he tried not to. But why fight it? No one was here to laugh at him, tell him she didn't want this or in any other way ruin this.<p>

He focused back on the TV for a while till he felt sleepy. What should he do? Take her to bed and stay with her? He wasn't much interested in the same response as last time he'd been in her bed but he could really do with sleeping in a bed. Her couch wasn't all that comfortable to sleep in. It was mainly for burring yourself in while watching TV or a random nap but not for a good night's sleep. He could go to his own place. He pondered his options. He would be just across the hall and if anything was to happen Maddy knew where to find him but he felt reluctant to leave them. To leave her this sick and his daughter with her as well. He felt at home her with her and Maddy like he was the piece they'd needed all along. God, this woman was stubborn.

He slowly detangled himself from her as gently as he could careful not to wake her. She sighed in her sleep when he stood up stretching her legs and back. He was sore from sitting in the same position for almost two hours now. She whimpered and mumbled something in a low raspy voice he told himself it was his name. It sounded like it so what was wrong with thinking it was? He bent down and tenderly picked her up. Her head fell against his chest like this was routine and he smiled as he carried her to the bedroom where he gingerly set her down on the mattress. She curled herself onto her side. He reached for the covers and pulled them over her tugging her in lovingly like he tugged in Maddy. He stood for a moment hesitating. My God he wanted a normal bed to sleep in. He looked at the other side of the bed. Covers and pillows there almost calling out his name. He made the decision like so many other like this in his life; fast and no regrets. He stripped out of his jeans and t-shirt and practically bouncing over her, he got into the bed. He made sure to stay at "his" side not wanting her to freak out completely should she wake before him. Settling down he quickly fell asleep.

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><p>"Daddy?" An inquisitive voice woke Puck. The light in the room let him know it was morning. He blinked once to figure out where he was and why his daughter was standing in front of him with a sullen expression on her tiny face. He rubbed a hand over his face and started to stir but something held him in place; a hand around his abdomen. A small and very familiar hand. He turned his head to peer over his shoulder at Rachel. She was awake and looking at him with tired but somewhat less glazed eyes. A small smile tugged around her lips and he couldn't help but mirror it. She wasn't freaking out. She was smiling. His heart picked up the pace for an instant till the demanding voice of their daughter broke the moment.<p>

"Daddy?" She sounded angry. Puck turned to her face.

"Yes sweety?" He was ready for her to freak out. Having her mother's temper you never knew what would set her off in a stroppy fit.

"I'm hungry," she claimed and he realized she wasn't angry she'd found her mom and dad in bed with each other but simply because they two had overslept and messed with her routine.

"Okay. Give me a minute then I'll make you breakfast," he said and Maddy nodded turning from them with her teddy bear under her arm as she mumbled grumpy complaints. Puck let the figure of his daughter go as she turned into the living room and disappeared from his view. He turned around to face Rachel again. She let go of him letting him turn over. He didn't know what to say really so he smiled. They always said the wrong things anyway. Shutting up seemed to be the right thing to do. At least about the mushy stuff.

"How are you feeling?" He wanted to kiss her but settled for feeling her forehead. She wasn't hot the same way as yesterday.

"A bit better," her voice still sounded raspy and it was clear it hurt to talk. He nodded.

"I'll make you some breakfast and tea with honey." The urge to kiss was overwhelming but he didn't. He instead got up and made them all breakfast. Maddy was really grumpy as she sat on a stool watching him.

"Why are you so grumpy, sweet pee?"

"Cos I'm hungry," she huffed back at him.

"Just cos you're hungry?" he prodded fixing her with a stare.

"Yes," she picked at imaginary smudges in soft polyester fur of her teddy and he knew she'd spill in a second. She worried her lip and then she finally looked up right at him her brows furrowed and glowering. "Why do you get to sleep in mummy's bed? I never do." He almost laughed but then remembered Rachel once scolding him for laughing at Maddy's feelings. The girl was serious and it was genuine jealousy and she really wanted to sleep with her mummy. He knew they used to do that when Maddy was younger but Rachel had held firm lately that her they each had a bed and should sleep in it. He contemplated his answer for a while as he turned over a pancake.

"You know mummy's been really sick?" Maddy nodded still sullen. "I had to take care of her. Make sure she was okay. Like I did with you last time you were sick, remember?" Maddy had been sick about two months back and he'd let her sleep in his bed next to him to make sure he could be there if she needed anything. Maddy's brows unfurrowed and instead a thoughtful expression took over from the sullen one.

"So…" She was looking for the words in her vocabulary. "You take care of mummy like you take care of me?" He felt unsure how to answer the question knowing his daughter already had asked him more than once about his relationship with Rachel.

"Kinda, yeah," he answered hesitantly.

"Am I gonna get a little sister then?" A soft chuckle from the door made them both look up. Rachel was standing in the door with a goofy grin wearing her pink robe and matching slippers.

"Sweetie," She rasped. "How many times have we talked about that?" Maddy sighed.

"It's just Josephine and Jessica are both big sisters. I'm the ONLY one that's not."

"That were two girls. That's not all the girls," Rachel smoothly argued back. Maddy rolled her eyes. Rachel walked the few steps to her daughter and tussled her hair.

"I know you want a little sister but you're gonna have to wait and see." She looked at Puck from behind Maddy and he almost dropped a pancake from the look she gave him. Was she saying yes? Were they gonna be a family? Rachel took up the seat next to Maddy. "Are you going to dish out those pancakes or just stand there?" She said teasingly. She was clearly feeling better.

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><p>Rachel had a week more at home. Her fever broke by the evening but her voice seemed to demand a holiday and she had to let her stand in perform in her stead as Kurt had forbidden her to come to the theater as long as she had any germs that could infest the cast and infect them with "seal" as he'd taken to call her croaks. It was the best week of Puck's life. He took off as much time as he could to romance her and they had romantic lunches and dinners and got to know each other again without fighting. Puck could barely wipe the grin off his face and as they reached Friday evening his cheek hurt from smiling. They didn't kiss but just hung out. At first she just didn't want to get him sick, she said joking as she wouldn't have the time to take of him the way he had her but he felt it was more an emotional precaution and he was okay with that. He'd rather they went slow than wait another 5 years.<p>

Friday night Blaine stole Maddy for a uncle's date as he called it. Kurt was doing the show and Blaine said he needed to see his little niece and spoil her. Neither Rachel or Puck minded. Maddy loved to spend time with Blaine and Kurt or just Blaine.

"So we're all alone," Puck grinned as Rachel closed the door. Rachel smiled a little hesitantly but nodded.

"Yeah we are." She didn't really know what to think or say. Her mind had been reeling all week. Puck was amazing no doubt but she found it hard to figure out all her feelings for him and about it all. You don't just throw 5 years of more or less hating a person away to replace it with complaisant love. It was odd not be angry with him, to touch and more so to talk with him and not fight. They talked like grownups talk to each other; not just about Maddy but about their lives as well. He had tried to be romantic but it had been a bit limited what they could do as she had to stay indoors. "What do you wanna do?" She ventured. This was even more odd. No Maddy between them or in the other room. And she was more or less ready to go back on stage feeling like her normal self again. Not being sick meant the possibility of having a fight was present. Fever had made her soft and give into him - this. What now? She'd have to face her feelings. She knew he was dying to know. She needed to answer him.

"Take out and a movie like normal parents do when they send their kid off?" Rachel shook her head.

"No," he looked disappointed for a moment. "I want to cook for you. You've taken care of me all week. Let me treat you tonight." His face lit up with a childish happiness and her heart stopped for half a beat. It had been doing that a lot lately, she mused. "Let's go shopping." She turned and grabbed her coat.

"No," he stepped up behind her. "I'll go."

"No, forget it. I wanna go outside. I'm going back to work tomorrow. I'm fine." He seemed to think. "Stop fussing over me. I'm fine." He still hesitated. "Noah, stop being like this. I am not sick anymore. You can't keep me here forever." The significance of her words seemed to hit them both. This week was over and she was better. What now? His excuse to stay was running out. She didn't need him any more to take care of her. Would she let him stay? She broke eye contact. "I just need some air. Let's go shop. You can make sure I don't go up to sick people and have to start all over again." He seemed happy to still have a protective role and also to skip the serious subject for now. He wasn't sure his heart could deal with it should she kick him with an excuse of platonic feelings.

They left and walked to the nearest store. She almost bounced next him with energy. It was so good to be out again. Entering the market she determinedly walked around and got the things she needed to cook for him and he just followed her.

"Do you like tomato sauce with chili or oregano?" She asked him trying to choose from the many different types. He stepped up next to her.

"I don't mind. Like it both." She looked up at him a soft expression in her happy face with her hair to frame her shining eyes. She was radiant and had never looked for beautiful to him and before he knew it the words he wanted to say the most slipped out. "Marry me, Rachel." He didn't even ask her. He almost demanded it but his voice held such a plead in it her mouth dropped as well as the can in her hand. She stood in complete shook not knowing what to say. She knew he loved her but she had figured they'd go slow. This wasn't slow. This was like a cheetah's mad dash for its prey.

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><p><strong>******spoiler alert for ppl who haven't seen lastest eipode of 3rd season**** <strong>

**So not completely unlike the ending of the last Glee episode.. which was like OMG! She better not say yes! Hope you enjoyed this :)**


	29. Chapter 29

**So here we go. Final chapter :) Thanks to ALL of you who reviewed and read my story. It has neen fun to write it and I hope you enjoyed it and will now enjoy the last chapter :)**

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><p>The can rolled over the floor after dropping with a metallic clang softened by the content. Rachel stood nailed to the ground looking at Puck who was standing with a somewhat goofy smile on his lips. He had looked shocked at first but then his face had relaxed and that goofy grin appeared and the longer it took her to form any kind of response or even compose herself the more the grin widened. She was standing leaning over a bit towards him as she had been about to show him the can. It took her at least a minute to really look him in the eyes and then her jaw just dropped even more. What was he doing? Was he really proposing to her? Did she really hear what she thought she did? Or was this some post-sickness late onset induced hallucination from the cough syrup she had a few days before?<p>

"Rach, say something? Or at least move." She straightened up and looked after the can. She started to move about in order to pick up the can but he stopped her as she reached out by grabbing her hand. "Rach, baby?" She finally looked up and ruined the romantic moment completely.

"What?" His face fell, the goofy grin gone replaced by a bewildered look of sadness. However he didn't drop his gaze from her or let go of her hand. She bit her lip taking in his fallen face. There was something there. She couldn't bear to let him down and maybe she didn't want to let him down. Hadn't she been wanting a guy to commit all along? For someone to stick with her through everything? Hadn't he done that? She had for the first time in her life been the guarded one keeping her heart to herself refusing to acknowledge his constant attempt to get her attention and not to fight with her but to love her. That guy was standing there; the father of her child, asking her to love him even after all they'd been through and all the times she'd rejected him. "Did you just ask me to marry you?" He nodded slowly clearly unsure of her reason to ask him the question. She took in a deep breath and he straightened up. She hadn't even noticed how close he'd been till he moved half a step away from her letting go of her hand. She was all of the sudden realizing he was pulling away from her. Too used to her rejections. Without really thinking she stepped forward, stood on her toes and pulling his head down to her, she captured his lips between her own. It was perhaps the biggest rush of adrenaline she'd ever had as she kissed him and gave him the answer to the rest of her life. She was saying yes to being the future Mrs. Puckerman. Or perhaps Puckerman-Berry? Berry-Puckerman?

It took him about a second to return the kiss but when he did the kiss went from a monologue to a searing passionated conversation filled with promises and hope.

He let her go first. She didn't open her eyes as she was trying to hold onto the kiss and the feeling of him. She wasn't drunk and he had asked her to join him in the ultimate commitment. It was surreal in the most right way she could think of.

"Is that a yes?" he whispered against her cheek and she nodded slowly. She didn't open her eyes at first but a smile spread on her lips lighting up her whole face. When she did open her eyes they had that same spark and glow he'd always loved so much. This was HIS Rachel. They stood there grinning like fools looking at each other. "I will get you a ring." She couldn't help but laugh.

"I don't care Noah. I think we're past all that. We've done this backwards already."

"No," he took her hand and kissed her palm. "I want you to wear my ring. Show the world you're mine."

She stole a soft kiss from him.

"I am yours. No ring will change that."

"Maybe you need to be reminded you are from time to time," he said with a soft voice making her smile fade. He gave her a soft kiss reassuring her he wasn't mad. "You've been running from me for so long I have to make sure you remember to stay. Beside," he added with a cheeky grin. "You do want one. I know you." She felt both insulted and flattered. Of course she wanted a ring, a big wedding and all that. But on the other hand she'd learnt that love and happiness didn't have anything to do with any big gesture or thing on your finger. It was either there or not. Which also meant that if she felt it was there, by her own logics, a ring wouldn't make a difference to either of them. She nodded.

"Okay. A ring then." He smiled and took her hand to leave but she stopped him.

"I'm still cooking you dinner," she said with a firm tone. "Remember you told me I can't go out really." He stopped and sighed.

"Order in?"

"No, I wanna cook for you," she hesitated to smile. "For my future husband." That won him over.

"But I still get to have sex with you tonight, right?"

"Puck!" She shrieked and looked around to see if anyone heard them.

"What? We're not?"

"Puck!"

"Baby, everybody have sex. And you have a baby to prove you had, too." She gave up.

"My God. Yes. Let's get out of here before we're on E! tonight."

"They already think we're fucking," he said dryly.

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><p>He looked at her cook from the stool she'd set him on. She said before he got any ideas she needed to get the lasagna in the oven. From time to time she looked to the side and smiled at him. Her smile was genuine and held a happiness he wasn't used to have directed at him. Girls would mostly look at him coyly or flirting but the happiness in her gaze made him feel all warm. And horny. Not to forget. She was wearing jeans and a top; nothing fancy but he was already half hard just watching her.<p>

"I can't for summer," he interrupted the comfortable silence.

"Why?" She asked as she added some salt to the sauce.

"Cos you have the hottest legs and I can't wait for you to show them off." She sent him a scornful look but she had a smile on her face telling him she felt flattered.

He threw caution to her orders about him waiting and slid of the stool grabbing her hips gently as he pressed his body to her. He placed a wet kiss on her neck.

"You look sexy when you cook for me." She chuckled low in her neck.

"I feel a but…"

"You should be naked."

"Let me get this in the oven first…" she trailed off when he gave her neck a testing bite.

"I can't wait that long," he growled in her ear.

"You've already waited this long.." he cut her off by spinning her around to face him.

"Not because I wanted to!" He empathized his point by kissing her. Hard and demanding. He needed her now. Not in 10 minutes or an hour. RIGHT now! Fuck the food. He finally could have her. She could cook after. Turning the knob to make sure they didn't start a fire he moved her from the stove to her table. He pushed her up on it stepping in between her legs. He only let go of her lips long enough to tare her top of with her bra and toss it aside. He didn't have time for details. Latching onto a nipple he made her lean back and moan loudly. She held onto the edge of the table for dear life. He was already working the buttons on her jeans to get them off. He kissed his way down over her ribs, stomach and lower abdomen as he tried to pull them off. He cursed impatiently when they stuck and he had to look down to see what he was doing.

"I hate these tight jeans," he complained.

"But they make my ass look cute," she groaned. Had she not been this turned on by him she'd have been able to smile at him but right now she shared his frustrations. She wiggled her hips and legs to help him get them off and finally they pants gave way and came off.

"My God worse than a chastity belt."He attacked her lips against in searing kissed filled with passion and lust. Love and tenderness was long gone replaced by and aching impatience. She started to work on his belt buckle and made light work of it making his pants drop on the floor and he kicked them away.

"No boxers? Noah, were you prepared for this?" He chuckled against her neck dropping light kissed on her sensitive skin. She swatted at him and he looked up to meet her eyes.

"Yes and don't you dare get angry or some other fucking girly feeling about that. It simply means I want you all the freaking time. Be happy." He didn't give her time to answer but tore his t-shirt off before he kissed her again. She couldn't help to smile at him. It was probably as romantic as he'd ever been. She wrapped her arms around him and bucked her hips against his. He was already fully hard. Rubbing against him made him moan and press against her as well. He lifted her up in a sweeping motion and moved her to the small island in the middle of the room as he pushed down her panties. She was lying half off the edge of the table when he penetrated her and she nearly screamed.

"My God Noa…" her voice broke as he started to move. All she could do was cling to him in her position. She had nothing else to cling to. He wasn't gently. They both seemed to agree they'd have time for that later on.

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><p>"You're getting married?" Sid looked like Rachel had told her the world was flat after all.<p>

"Yes," Rachel answered proudly. "We are."

"When?" Rachel shrugged looking at the small baby in Sid's arms. It had been three weeks now since Noah proposed. They'd been searching for a ring but hadn't found one. Rachel didn't care about the ring she just liked to spend time with Noah. It was like the past had never happened. Erased from both their minds and replaced by this bliss. She knew it was what it was like to be in love; at first it was all pink and sweet and funny and exciting and then things got real and the colors turned pale and faded. But with Noah it was different; she already knew him. They had already broken up, fought and fought some more. Now all there was left was to be happy. And they were. A happy little family.

"We haven't set a date. We're trying to find a ring first." Sid's eyes travelled to Rachel's hand.

"He didn't have a ring?"

"No," Rachel shook her head with a girlish grin on her face. "I don't think he meant to propose…

"Wow this is epic romance," Sid cut in with her usual sarcasm that hadn't lessened with the arrival of her baby.

"No it was. It was like he couldn't hold it back. He just had to …" Rachel smiled even more now. It sounded silly but she loved it. "We're really happy this time." Sid gave her a small but genuine smile.

"That's what important. Does Maddy know?" Rachel nodded.

"Hard to keep it a secret when her dad practically moved in and refuses to leave. She just wants a baby sister or brother."

"She gonna get one?" Rachel couldn't help but laugh.

"Are you in this with her?" Sid shook her head grinning.

"No, for God's sake. I have my hands full with this little devil. No time to plot with your evil spawn."

"Good. Can I hold him?" Sid nodded and carefully handed over her baby. "Hey Noel." Rachel smiled widely. Holding the little guy made her want to have another baby. "I think it won't be too long before Maddy will get her wish." Sid laughed.

"My God. Why the hell didn't you two idiots not just stay together in the first place?" Rachel cocked an eyebrow at her. "Oh yeah. I remember. Fuck you two have been silly." Rachel couldn't agree more.

"Yeah." The door swung open and Noah and Maddy came bursting in huffing and puffing.

"We." Huff. "Were..." Huff. "racing.." Two huffs. "Up.. here," Noah gasped. Rachel shook her head as Maddy dramatically dropped to the floor lying on her back with a goofy grin on her face. Sid and Rachel surveyed the two.

"Right," Sid finally said. "Have a good ride?" Maddy stuck up her thumb.

"Amazing!" Puck looked up at Rachel with a loving smile.

"Nothing broken. Mint condition." Rachel just smiled and then looked down at baby Noel before looking back up at Noah. He eyes the baby as he came over to them. He kissed her hair.

"Want something to drink mini-Berry?"

"Yes," Maddy puffed and Sid got taking Maddy with her to the kitchen.

"How long before we're having another?" Noah asked knowingly.

"End of summer?" She looked up her eyes shining.

"That long?" Rachel grinned.

"We can practice till then." He shot her a devilish grin.

"I'm already an expert but don't worry baby, I'll teach you all the tricks before you get fat again." Her eyes shot him daggers.

"Noah! If I wasn't holding a baby…" He just smiled and kissed her.

"Then you'd start to prove you were better than me." She was about to protest but gave up.

"Just you wait!"

"Since you were so horny this morning, I can wait. But not for long," he kissed her cheek and the grin faded. "Cos I can't get enough of you," he added honestly. She looked up at him and smiled."Already back in High school. I'd look at you and those legs all the time. But you never saw me." She reached up and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

"But you're all I see now."

* * *

><p><strong>The end!<strong>

**I will start a new story very soon. Just putting the finishing touches on the first chapter. Hope you enjoyed the story, please review :)  
><strong>


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